I want you all to remember me with smiles

I'm afraid if I ever talk to you again, then I won't be able to ignore everything I feel. I silently deal with the missing you and I distract myself to forget. I love you, but I don't deserve what you did to me. Sometimes it's too much and I almost text you. Sometimes I get so lonely and miss you so much that I wish that I'd never learned to love myself and know what I deserve. But I did and I know that no matter how much my heart says 'We can deal with that fear that he'll leave if someone better comes along. We can live like that. We won't be lonely anymore.' My brain knows that we can't. That as long as I love myself I'll be okay. Lonely, but okay. I miss you. Not a day goes by that there's not something that reminds me of you. Fucking everything reminds me of you, okay? You entwined yourself into my life and heart and mind. Every part of me misses you. Sometimes I wish that you'd show up here and tell me that it's always been me, but it won't happen and I wouldn't know what to do if it did. You've torn me into pieces and I'm trying to put myself back together, but you still have some of those pieces and I don't think I'll ever get them back because you don't even know you have them. I never thought this is where we would end up. I thought you'd always be here. I never thought I'd be the one to walk away. My heart wishes we never walked away and my brain wishes my heart would stop fucking thinking about you. I just want an explanation. I want to know if you ever felt anything for me. You asked me once, if there was anything between us, and I lied. I lied my ass of because I'll always put everyone's happiness before mine. And I was scared. Scared of what would happen if I said yes and you said no. I didn't think I could've handled that. But maybe that would've been better than this. That awkwardness for a bit would've been better than not having you in my life at all. All I know is that I miss you and I want you in my life but I don't even know how to talk to you again. I don't wanna be a second choice. I know my worth, but fuck, you're making me not care that I deserve better. You're what I want, ya know? Because I don't. I don't know anymore. I know I love you and I haven't said that out loud because I can't have you. I just know I want you.