To the fic writers and artists in the YoI fandom...
This is going to be a long and personal post. I apologize for rambling, but It’s something that I had to get off my chest.
A few years back I was diagnosed with Endometriosis and had undergone surgery to remove it back in 2014. While the surgery was successful, I was told I might have trouble conceiving due to the damage already done to my reproductive system. The doctors couldn’t say if and what kind of damages I’ll have but since I have a high risk of remission, my husband and I started fertility treatments in 2015.
The long days of getting up at 5AM to take tests and rush off to my high pressure job as if nothing was going on, the pills that screwed with my hormones, the endless doctor’s appointments, examinations, planning everything I do according to my cycles, the two week wait each time only to be disappointed when the pregnancy test results came back negative and eventually the injections and full blown IVF treatments, had me in a very bad place mentally.
After the first failed embryo transfer, my husband and I decided to take a trip to Japan, a years long dream of mine, to try and cheer ourselves up. It was amazing and we loved every second of it. It also made me miss Anime. I’ve been a fan of animation and anime in particular ever since childhood, so much so that it influenced me to get a BFA degree in film and 2D animation.
In recent years I had abandoned anime for a bit. I couldn’t connect to any show like I used to, was disappointed by lack of originality in the stories told and paint by numbers designs. No plot gripped me and I couldn’t relate to any character I was seeing.
But now I wanted to find something that moved me again. In February 2017 I came across posts about Yuri!!! On Ice on Facebook and decided to give it a try. From the very first animation sequence, not to mention the incredible art of the OP, I was hooked. I rewatched again and again, finding new things to enjoy each time. I felt good. More relaxed. I had something else but my health to focus my attention on. I rediscovered my desire to draw. I Enrolled in a concept design class. I was happier than I could remember being in a long while. Even my tests came back better than ever.
And I guess that did the trick. My latest embryo transfer took. After almost two years of trying, I got pregnant. We were so happy. In my mind I dubbed it my Yuuri baby. I had no doubt that if I had not discovered YoI and got into that good headspace, none of it would have happened.
Initial tests were good and I was replaying the YoI soundtrack everywhere I went. I felt like it gave me good luck.
Unfortunately by 7.5 weeks the baby’s heartbeat had stopped. It was no one’s fault, the doctors said. It just happens sometimes. But I couldn’t get over it.
Exactly one year ago, on April 3rd, I had my D&C. I was a wreck. In my mind I felt like I had one chance and I lost it. How do I get that good headspace back? It’s something I couldn’t replicate. I felt betrayed by life. I couldn’t get out of bed. Couldn’t think about what happened without sobbing. Couldn’t bring myself to care about anything. My sister in law gave birth to her daughter on the day of my D&C and I felt envious. Cheated. And I hated myself for feeling like that. I even shut my husband out, not bothering to make conversation or tell him what I’m thinking and feeling. We were scheduled to go to London for a week a few days later. Instead of cancelling, I hopped on the plane as soon as I got the OK from my doctors. I didn’t want anyone’s phone calls or visits or questions. I just wanted to be left alone and grieve.
I desperately wanted to hang on to that optimism I had. I was craving new YoI content to try and recapture that feeling. I don’t know why, but I decided to look up fic recommendations for YoI.
I was never into fics. I was in one other fandom before, when I was younger. The internet was a relatively new thing then and I didn’t really care about content that wasn’t canon, so I never read any fics. But I decided to try anyway. I picked two that were highly rated, downloaded the PDF off AO3 onto my Kindle and took it to London with me.
Those fics were “Until My Feet Bleed and My Heart Aches” by @kazliin and “Winter Song” by @borntomake. And I was hooked again. It took my mind off things. I didn’t need to think about what happened, I could focus on new stories about characters I cared deeply about. When I got back home I immersed myself fully in AO3, looking for new fics every day. I spent every single free minute I had reading. I got into Tumblr to keep track of updates and found a wealth of inspiration in gorgeous artwrork created by YoI fans. I was still not willing to go out and I couldn’t bring myself to think about things yet. But I felt better. I had something to get me by.
We started a new round of tests. I had lost hope and my tests reflected that. They were horrible. My doctor wanted to try another embryo transfer, but given my results both my husband and I refused, not wanting to waste precious embryos on a bad cycle. I kept taking tests to see if anything improved. It didn’t. My doctor insisted on more tests. I went along with it, but didn’t have hope.
I was at work when My bloodwork came back. My doctor had requested a pregnancy test, just to see. And it came back positive. A spontaneous pregnancy. I couldn’t believe it. I thought it was a mistake. I finished work and school and ran home to tell my husband. He couldn’t believe it either.
We were anxious for every test but I used my newfound love of YoI fics to get me through the fears and the uncertainty.
And now, when my 12 day old baby girl asleep in the next room, I’m writing this to you: All the beautiful artists and writers in the YoI fandom. You make a difference. You cheer people up. You give them hope. In every update and new piece, you make someone’s day. This is something no kudos or simple AO3 comment could possibly relate. Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, for this past year. It’s been hard one, but you made it better. I can’t possibly tag all of you, but I’ll try to tag as many as I can, so you know you matter, your work matters. And though it’s given to us fans for free, it’s priceless to us.
@kazliin @borntomake @diedraechin @victorsporosya @three–rings @witchsbane @iwritevictuuri @shysweetthing @ebenroot @actualyuuri @spookyfoot @cuttlemefishwrites @lavenderprose @chessala @captain-erwinmerica @omgkatsudonplease @kiaronna @thetwoguineabook @thehobbem @feels-like-fire @victuuriplease @pencilwalla @alykapediaaa @vntya-archive @orchids-and-fictional-cities @dreaming-fireflies @the-tortellini-man @yuripaws @maydei @xyloophones @phoenixwaller @iwritebetterthanispeak @saltycaramel1394 @lucycamui @crimson-chains @saniika @lamenart @lovelytitania @iruutciv @enjin13 @nae812 @aithusaaaa @nikiforoov
What an amazing thing to see when I log in after so long 😭 congratulations! Thank you so much for tagging me in this list, it’s an honour and I’m so glad my work could help you in some way. This has really made my day, thank you for sharing your story. Best of luck to you and your family 💓
