𝐃𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐦𝐩𝐭𝐬.
Summary- It hurt to stay and fall in love with him, but you were desperate.
Warnings- angst, unrequited feelings, arguing, few cuss words, set after S4.
A/N: not very proud of this eee
It was a stupid thing really, a decision you didn’t think thoroughly about. Fighting Steve while battling your feelings for him wasn’t an ideal combination.
Feet in the pool cooling off the summer heat, while talking about the last events of the Scarring Spring the gang endured, and how you felt about it. This little routine started after the events of the Demodogs and Mindflayer.
Little did you know that was the start of your inevitable falling for King Steve.
You slept over at his house, too scared to be alone in your solitude, flinching at the slightest of sounds. You considered just toughing it out but settled on the conclusion that honestly maybe he shouldn't be alone either. So you picked your trembling body and drove over to him. And as expected your reasoning was right, Steve was awake and in the same frightened state you were in.
Ever since that night you and Steve were practically inseparable; stuck side by side by a string. You babysat together, helped him land his job at the mall, comforted him through the tearful days of his parents’ mistreatment, and all the more. And in exchange he was present for your cheerful and irritated moments.
Being friends with Steve was easy; Mathematicians would contrast its simplicity with how quickly the entire multiplication table could be solved. Astronomers would compare it to the facile discovery of Polaris, while doctors would contrast the basic comparison akin to finding a beating heart.
Loving him however, was miserable. Poets would weep at just a glance at your tragic love story, and kids would be confused: why isn’t the story lining up the way it’s supposed to? With every date he goes on, your heart breaks. With every glance at another girl, your stance falters. But Steve was your friend, and you stick by your friends, even if you are in love with them. Even if they subconsciously hurt you.
But this time was different. Very different. A kind of different that clawed your heart out and had him spit on it.
“I think I’m still in love with Nancy.”
Suddenly, your head goes quiet.
“What?” Narrowed eyes looking at him from your side of the pool.
“Maybe I never stopped,” Steve's eyes were trained on the waving water below.
How could he be so nonchalant? Like he isn’t stabbing his nailed bat into you repeatedly.
“I mean she mentioned her relationship with Jonathan isn’t at it’s best so maybe-”
After helping him move on, after your endless amount of advice, he still loved her? She broke his heart and he still loves her?
You ignore your own hypocrisy.
The scowl on your face deepend with each decibel that spilled out of his mouth.
“What?” the sound of your voice seemingly going down an octave.
Steve’s head whips towards your hostility. He’s seen you angry and it’s not a pretty sight, most people apologize before you start barking. But he’s never been on the receiving end, and this has him confused, and frankly a little scared.
“Well, we were talking in that little trailer we stole a-and we were flirting and I think she-” Voice almost brittle, Steve flies through the words.
Why is he so adamant on explaining his reasoning to you? He feels his nerves spiking, and skin trembling, it’s probably the heat, yeah, the heat-
“She broke your heart -and maybe Jonathan’s now- and you're drooling over what? Being a second choice?” You bark, white knuckles gripping the coping.
You know you're being cruel, you know you should stop, but, this is the first time since meeting Steve that you feel superior. The power of knowing you can control how this goes. No more flustered and smiley you, he’s added enough oil to the flame, and you feel yourself blazing; you're done chasing a lost cause.
Steve scoffs indecorously, as he pushes his ever perfect hair away from his face.
“Ah- what? Second choice? Do you really think so lowly of her? Of me?”
“No! I think all of us are scared and broken people but, that does not mean she gets to treat you like crap -and you to her- and then waltz in and fucking hint at a flirt!”
Suddenly you felt every prick of gravel on your skin. You feel every atom swaying in the water by your feet. You were tired and yelling. It wasn't helping that the humid air was making you dizzy.
“Her and Jonathan are basically broken up! I don’t know why this is such a big deal! I thought you would be happy for me?” He looks at you with furrowed eyebrows.
Both your voices are at equal volume now but there’s a difference in tone. His is pained and confused. Why aren’t you supporting him? Why aren’t you excited?
Your voice is angry and tired. Tired from the waiting, the ignoring, the being thrown off to the side. And angry from ever thinking waiting was a good idea, and trusting that Steve would ever look at you as a potential love interest.
That’s not who you are or ever will be. And Steve will continue to be blinded by the countless beautiful girls that aren’t you or ever will be.
“I’ve been happy for you Steve -for fucks sake- I’m always happy for you! Every damn date, every damn girl, every fucking time! And I supported you and helped you with every single one that caught your eye and I’ve been silent like an idiot through it all!”
“I never asked you to help me, that was your choice!”
“Cause that’s what friends do Steve! They help the people they care about!”
“If that’s your logic why aren’t you my friend now? You know how hurt I was by Nancy and how long I spent dissecting every single memory trying to see what I did wrong,” He takes a fast breath, “So her coming back and asking for a second chance at us is good! So why don’t you care now-”
“Don’t you dare Steve, the reason we’re having this conversation right now is because I care!”
“You have one hell of a way of showing it,” he murmured indecorously.
“A simple thank you would suffice you dick.” you all but growled at him.
“This wouldn’t even be a problem if you hadn’t gone and blew up on me!” he retorted almost jokingly. The situation wasn’t far from being a joke. You and Steve the bright stars starring in the circus called your love life.
You sat silent at that. Everything is crumbling; the love, the patience, the longing. All gone and vanished. Is this who you’ve been hoping for? Wishing and praying to every shooting star. Someone who takes takes takes and never gives? Have you really been this blind? Do rose-colored glasses really sabotage you this hard?
“I dropped everything for you Steve. Everything. To help you, to ease your pain -god I always drove to your house at the crack ass of dawn the second you call. So don’t sit there acting like I couldn’t -that I don’t- give a shit about you.”
“How stupid was I to let you walk all over me and think that in the end you would see why I did everything for you.” You breathe in sharply before continuing, “Steve…” You clench your hands into tight fists and try to calm the wobble in your voice.
“I don’t think I can be here for you anymore, not like this,”
Now it’s Steve’s turn to sit quiet, not knowing how to answer. He inhales deeply as he ponders where to take this argument. He stares at you and notices your bloodshot eyes and the painful bite of your lips; You were trying not to cry. You hate when people watch you cry. All Steve wants to do is bundle you up and apologize for acting so stupid. He knew sugaring up with Nancy was a bad idea; He knew you would oppose it and fight for his happiness but Steve liked it easy. Scared of anything that has him weird and tingly, stuttering over his words. He hated it.
He pulls his gaze away from you and wonders: Why were the two of you arguing? Why are you so mad about him getting back with Nancy? Were you scared for Jonathan? The both of you have always been close friends. Hanging out during high school, working together, teaming up together when Hawkin’s turns upside down.
He’s so confused it’s starting to give him a headache. How does one save his ass from a receptive friend's fury? He knows you. From the little and sacred time, he’s gotten the pleasure to truly see you. You’re so considerate and lovely; Always checking up on people, making sure you're the first to go down a scary path, throwing yourself in harm's way to protect the kids, and always making sure everyone gets treated before you. He doesn’t want to lose you, but the look on your face is tired. So tired that he’s scared that maybe he’s just noticed it now. How long have you been bottling everything up?
He says your name softly before continuing, “What…what do you mean by that?”
It’s quiet, so quiet you second guess if you actually heard it. But you did. You always do when it comes to him.
You finally look at him. With all your exhausted glory. You finally let him see what he’s created: sad, neglected, and unloved you. You need to get out of here before you do -or say- something more stupid; Something that could ultimately ruin what little left of your crumbling friendship with him.
With that you get up and gather your things, walking out of Steve’s home. He’s still sat silent, as his head glistens from the water’s beam gliding across his contemplating face. He hasn’t made a move or sound of protest at your departure and you hope it stays that way. You need to get away, far away from whatever you messed up here.
You close the door to his home not sparing him a second glance. And he doesn’t try to stop you.