It’s always something. My uncle was diagnosed with stage four lung and bone cancer. Our pipes froze in the brutal temperatures. Our furnace is slowly dying. An undignified death. My parents hate each other more than even but neither will leave. Now, I have to figure out how to cut a toxic person out of my life. But the problem is, she’s my mother. Is a break too much to ask for? Life has always gotta do its thing, doesn’t it? 😩 I’ll get back up though. I always do. Just gotta vent first.

Addendum

Wow, I didn't expect so many messages and comments about my decision. They're all good! But I'm absolutely starved, so I'm gonna eat and shower, then I'll answers your questions/comments. But I want to clear one thing up since I've already had it asked three times, I am not shutting down my Tumblr. No worries! 💙

Important Notice

I want to give a warm hello to all of my beautiful like-minded freaks, creeps, and horny little toads. We have had quite the journey together. It's hard to believe I started my blog and Patreon so long ago. Sometimes it's painful to reflect on because I was in a much better place when I started my blog. But we learn to live with the hand we receive in life, and that's what I'm doing. Which brings me to the reason I'm posting this today. This has been a long time coming, and I suppose I've been putting it off because I haven't wanted to admit it to myself. I've been in such a period of stasis. But I kept trying to convince myself that I could return to how I used to be—putting out content like the wind, writing commissions, having deep discussions and long conversations with my supporters, and so on. But the truth is, I just can't do it anymore. My body has taken a toll on me, and my fire has burned out. My physical health (and sometimes mental) has taken its course, and this is the path I have no choice but to follow. However, despite the war I'm waging with my body, there is good news. I won my disability claim. I'm not making much, but it's enough that I can support myself monetarily. So, I will be closing my Patreon. I'll also no longer be writing commissions for the foreseeable future. I've been delaying this part of my announcement because I hate letting people down. My Patreon aside, I made a lot of promises to people that I couldn't keep. For that, I'm sorry. I never accepted any money for work I didn't start, so I owe no one anything in a monetary way. But I will be letting people down, and that truly bothers me. If you were in line for a story, I give you my sincerest apologies from the bottom of my heart. If you feel like I let you down in any way, I'm sorry for that too. That said, to be fair, I didn't know this was going to happen to me. I hold no control over the turns my health takes, and if I could change it, I would. I will still post from time to time. I'm not giving up on writing. But what once took me one to two days now takes me weeks, sometimes months to finish. I will still be around, and I will still engage with my followers. I'm not disappearing. My health may have won this round, but I won't let it take me down. I've come too far to give up what I love. I actually have a very detailed story in the works, and come hell or high water, I will finish it. I want to thank everyone who has stuck by my side. To everyone who has supported me, shared talks with me, read my works, liked my stories, and left comments—thank you. These things have helped me through some of my darkest hours. As for my Patrons, hopefully, by closing my account this month, you'll be able to have some extra money after the holidays. I want to give a special thank you to you. You kept me afloat by helping me pay for necessities like my medication, food, gas for medical appointments, and more. Without you, I truly don't know how I would have reached this point in my life. I hope there are no hard feelings. I'm doing what I need to for myself, but also, what I feel is best. If I get a second wind, I might write those stories still jotted down on my whiteboard. You never know. Lastly, I want to share another piece of good news. My parents surprised me with a new friend. I will post pictures of her below. Her name is Luna. (Not after Luna Lovegood, but our Lord and Savior, The Moon.) She has certainly kept me on my toes, and I'm not sure she's been the best thing when it comes to my disabilities, considering I can barely keep up with her. But I'm in love, and I know that ultimately, she'll be well worth the hassle—which she most definitely is right now. She's a right pain in the ass. I'm pretty sure she's a quarter Gremlin, a quarter Audrey 2, and two-quarters Piranha. I'm sending all my love to everyone. I hope you have a wonderful holiday season. If you have any questions or just want to shoot me a message please don't hesitate. Please take care of yourselves. It's dangerous business out there. Much love, Kai

Thank you so much, love! I appreciate your kindness. Sending back a hug along with the best vibes! 💜🤍

Thank you, Serah! I hope so too! I wish you all the best! Sending my love. 💜🖤

Thank you so much, lovely. I hope you're doing well! 🖤🤍🎈

UPDATE

Hi guys! I hope everyone is doing well. I'm sorry for my long absence. Things have not been going well for me. For starters, my therapist was fired, and while I didn't think she was doing much to help me, once she was gone, I realized that she was. (Don't know what you got till it's gone, right? I love Cinderella. The band. Not the Disney... It doesn't matter.) But my mental health is still better than my physical health. I was in the hospital two days ago. Turns out I have severely low thyroid levels and an infection. The antibiotic I'm on has been wreaking havoc on my body. I've developed every day headaches, worse than ever. Some of my test results are inconsistent with what's supposed to be normal for me. I feel like I have the flu all the time. I'm just not doing the best. In other words, a lot of shit is going on. However, I still wanted to drop in and say hi to everyone. Today is my birthday, and I'm determined to take it easy despite all of this. I hope you're all having a good holiday season and that you continue to do so. If it's been shitty, I hope it improves. If you've been the reason it's been shitty, stop being a Grinch. I love you all. Take care and happy holidays! Much love, Kai

NEW STORY ON AO3!

Hi guys! I posted a little something for you today. I don't think I've posted any Nijimura on my AO3 account yet, so if you're interested, here's the link! Also, I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions for an html editor or script. For some reason, when I post into AO3 my formatting gets really janky. I used to use the posting script but mine seems to be broken. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I'm usually pretty good at figuring this stuff out but I've lost my touch. Thank you~~

Hey there lovelies,

It’s been a bit. I wanted to hop on and let you know what’s going on. I recently had my MS checkup and so far my physical is not showing MS. We can’t rule it out with just that, however. I’ll need a lumbar puncture to know for sure. I’ll be getting a T Spine MRI first since it’s less invasive. My physical exam is abnormal, but my neurologist can’t pinpoint exactly why. I’ll be seeing a specialist next year to determine what is going on, and why my neuropathy is getting worse. My body aches have been nearly unbearable lately. For the past month I’ve also felt like I have the flu. I’m not sick. It’s just a part of whatever’s going on. As for the pains, it’s hard to even walk some days. 😩 I am working on something new for you guys, though. I truly want to get back into the swing of things. I miss writing so much. 😭 I hope you’re all doing well. I miss talking to you. Take care and stay safe! 🤍

Hi sweet cheeks! Happy to hear you're back in basketball hell! I did not write that, but I'll be posting this so hopefully someone is familiar with it. Please point this lost soul in the right direction! 💖

You always know exactly what to say. You're honestly one of the sweetest people I know. Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm trying to balance self-care and healing with productivity because I do know that occupying the brain can help, but it's been hard. When you spend every day with a person or an animal, it's like losing a piece of yourself when they pass on. I miss that little dog every minute of every day. Thank you again. Sincerely. 🤍

It's taken me a bit to get back to this because I received this about a week ago and yes, I'm still grieving. I understand you've never had a pet before, but losing a pet is like losing a family member. It's not something you just get over. I feel like your message is a little backhanded. I have been working on a project for Patreon, but I'm also taking necessary time for myself. I might be misinterpreting your intentions, but using someone's loss as an excuse to suggest they work on your request comes off as pretty insensitive and self-important. I hope I'm misreading your tone, but regardless, I'm not working on any inbox requests right now.

Thank you so much! Your kind words mean a lot to me. I'm sure Otis would have appreciated that. He loved a nice compliment. He was nothing if not spoiled.

Dear Otis

I wrote this little thing today to help myself heal. I’m not sure if it did much, but I wanted to share it with you. So without further ado, here it is. 

A letter to my dog, who never learned how to read, but somehow always knew what I was thinking. I like to think of myself as a pragmatic person, but writing a letter to the deceased feels quite the opposite. However, I have too many emotions with you gone, so I hope this proves to be a therapeutic exercise. Some people say death can be cathartic—I think those people never knew a soul like yours. Because the thing is, you weren't just a four-legged friend. You weren't just a furry beast who shed all over everything I owned. You were the epitome of love. You changed who I am as a person. I will eternally remember you for that and so much more. You were there for me at times when no one else could be. You taught me how to be selfless. You taught me patience and kindness. You taught me how to not take things for granted. You gave me unconditional love and always cheered me up, even on my darkest days. You were there for me through some of my sickest days. You stood by my side when I was diagnosed with chronic illness after chronic illness. You were very short, but you always stood tall. I truly believe small dogs have the biggest hearts—but I promise I won't say you were compensating. It was strange to me, how you barked at every little thing, but you never failed to be quiet when I had a migraine. I didn't even have to scold you. You just knew. You muted my fatalistic nature and calmed my totalitarian points of view. You made my conditions not so bleak. I would look at you, and my day would inevitably get better. You taught me to be wary of strangers, and even though I didn't hide behind your legs as you did mine when meeting someone new, I think you were proud of me for that. You taught me to look at the finer things in life. You taught me that a tiny dog could occupy more space in a queen-sized bed than another human. You taught me how to breathe during panic attacks. You taught me that the worst pain is just that—and that one can overcome it if you put forth the effort. You taught me that life is hard and cruel. But you showed me that it can be beautiful too. You taught me what love means, and I will forever be grateful to you. I miss you like the moon misses the stars when they fail to shine. I don't know how much I believe in a conventional afterlife, but if any soul made it through those pearly gates, I know it would be you. Shine on you crazy diamond. I hope you're receiving all the love you had here and more. Sincerely, Your anguished human