S C R E A M S

every episode of criminal minds

lady: walking down dark alley slowly and alone (everything a woman would never do)

white guy in hoodie: hey

lady: AHH

white guy in hoodie: u look like my mom *stabs her* *takes her toes*

—

emily: and then i got drunk and slammed that bitch’s head into the bar counter

derek: haha thats great-

jj: its a bad one *hands out files*

emily: let me eat you out

(in the conference room)

jj: so yeah this guy stabs ladies. but now, he takes their toes

spencer: hes escalating

hotch: 😡😡😡 wheels up in 30

(zoom in on the plane)

jj: if when you do, but i cannot for the yes of he was what i no 💖 -lil huddy

(in the plane)

emily: sexual sadist

spencer: the history of toes is actually a long starting with the ancient indians they used to-

derek: dont make me put ur head through the plane window pretty boy. although i know you would love that

spencer: 😳😑

garcia on the phone: okay so i made a list of all the white guys in arizona.

derek: i want to taste ur guts

garcia: impale me with ur cock

hotch: thanks garcia 😡😡😡

—

detective alzhiemers: we spoke on the phone and i invited u here but i just want u to know i dont trust a single fucking thing you say. wow agent jareau u got that barbie doll build.

hotch: 😡 where can we set up

(at the crime scene)

rossi: 👁👄👁 he took their toes. but u can see the bone here.

(camera zooms in on derek)

derek: *takes off his sunglasses* *flexes* hes devolving

(at the m.e)

doctor dr. : so basically he kills them. u can see because theyre dead. he takes their toes but its sloppy.

emily: he must be doing it because he doesnt have any toes.

reid: *calling garcia* we need a list

(music escalates)

—

spencer: yeah so basically hes white and a sexual sadist

hotch: mid 30s, his mother didnt love him

emily: HES IMPOTENT because his girlfriend cut off his balls

derek: and he does not have toes. we gotta catch him fast. *picks up a call from garcia*

jj: i will be telling the press so we can get calls about men without toes.

garcia: hey my 12 inch bad dragon dick. i found him- Ben Serialkiller, 54 creep lane. born without toes, his mom kicked him out when he was 5.

derek: thanks babygirl. remind me to kiss ur feet tonight.

rossi: god am i old enough to die

detective alzheimers: actually i think youre completely wrong.

emily: we dont fucking care shut up limpdick

other cops: okay we believe you now

—

(in a dark basement)

spencer: Ben, i get it. u dont have to kill these women. *puts the gun down and takes off kevlar for no fucking reason* my mom tried to kill me too. but im not a serial killer.

white guy in hoodie: you dont get it.

rossi: you dont want to kill her. we can let the world know of your struggle, ben. we will teach them of a world with men without toes.

white guy in hoodie: okay i guess. *lets go of lady* *cries*

hotch: 😡😡😡 *cuffs him*

—

morgan, on the jet: u did good today, kid.

reid: thanks. i wonder what my life would be like if i didnt have 3 lifetimes of trauma on my 27 year old back.

morgan: hahaha

emily, joining in: hahahaha. loser

hotch: 😡😡😡 i wish i had emotions

jj: i miss my kids

emily: can we fuck yet

jj: fine i guess

(picture of the sky)

rossi: And in the end, if I eated soap, no I didnt because I yes ✨ -hitler

wanna ride his face, respectfully 😘

My Boss’s Daughter (Reid Request)

Request: Reader is Hotch’s daughter & younger than Spencer but understood him better than others. And he meets her at Haley’s funeral & helps her recover. She goes to “visit her dad” but really she’s just there to see him and then they’re hanging out and they are like making out or something and almost get caught by Hotch.

A/N: This has been a long time coming. I hope you all think it’s worth it! Couple: Spencer Reid/Fem!Reader Category: Smut (NSFW, 18+) Content Warning: Adults with age difference (21/30), penetrative sex, fingering, unprotected sex, degradation, reference to “daddy issues,” references to oral sex, physical fight, choking (hand on neck - no pressure), breathplay (hand over mouth/nose)

NOTE: Reader is Hotch and Haley’s daughter, but there is absolutely nothing in the fic that stops you from believing that she’s adopted! Imagine away if needed!

Word Count: 11.3k

MASTERLIST

——————————————————

Being Aaron Hotchner’s daughter meant there were a few unfortunate and unavoidable truths about my life.

For example, having all of my family under one roof was a rare, special occurrence. Attendance at school ceremonies and holidays was never promised, and I had to enjoy every second with my father, because there was no telling when he would have to leave.

Pedro: *is surprised that the internet has a crush on the Mandalorian*

Also Pedro: *uses ‘bedroom voice’ to voice the Mandalorian*

PLOW ME PLOW ME PLOW ME LIKE THE PIECE OF AGRICULTURAL LAND I AM

LITERALLY FUCK ME UP WOW I WAS ABOUT TO GO TO BED OWHFBFLFNVK

Pedro Pascal for August Man Singapore Oct. 2019

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R2-D2 ain’t a snitch. He knew Anakin was Vader, pretended not to know who Yoda and Obi Wan were, and shut himself down when Luke didn’t want to be found. No wonder he was trusted with the Death Star plans. R2 is the ultimate ride or die droid.

bro ive thought about this sm

if r2 had just.. told everyone,,

Anakin & Anidala gif headers + Revenge of the Sith (requested by anonymous)

stability

read it on ao3 // masterlist 

-

The air in the room is hot. You’ve barely been home for more than a few minutes, but each of those had been spent with his lips glued to yours. 

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"Stop making the eyes at me, I'll stop making the eyes at you..."

okay first of all WOAH that was WOW

and second YOU DID NOT JUST BRING KLAUS INTO THIS ISDHCBQD I LOVE THEM BOTH SM

this made me so soft wow

I’m not saying waking up next to anakin and hearing his morning voice would cure all my issues but I know it would