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@sated-joy / sated-joy.tumblr.com

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signed a new job offer

things i'm happy about:

  • considering the current state of the market, getting an offer is an achievement!
  • <100 applications, 6% interview rate, 3 final rounds, 2.5 months from first application to offer are pretty solid stats for someone 1 year into their career
  • i'm confident that i interview well. i've had a lot of practice over the last year and a half, and though it was so awful spending weeknights and weekends prepping, it paid off! my 2024 jobhunt was much easier than my 2023 one, largely due to the work i put in a year ago. here's to hoping that the next time i start looking, it's even more painless

things i wonder about:

  • if i could have held out for longer at my current job (so detrimental to my emotional well being though...), would i have found a better offer in the coming months? i wish i knew how long i would need to wait in order for that to happen
  • will i ever break into a big/prestigious company? it seems like getting an internship during college at a name brand org really sets people up for success, but i just don't have that. i don't care so much about having that job, but it'd open doors for future roles and would guarantee a higher level of compensation
  • will i hit six figs at the next role? i don't know how much that money will matter to me to be honest - i'm not someone who wants much. it's more so to feel like i'm being compensated fairly and to feel like i can catch up financially to the people who've been making that since they were fresh out of college at 22

final thoughts:

  • i'm upset that i feel the need to quantify these things in the first place. of course, i'm very grateful to have a new job and think my sense of pride is well justified, but i'm annoyed that my career is something i value so highly right now. i know it ultimately means so little in the grand scheme of things
  • my dad is a high earner, and he's never felt satisfied with his compensation either. the bar will continue to move. either i can learn to be happy with what i have or i can spend a lifetime thinking about the next pay bump. my parents have shaped my relationship with money much more than i thought, and i resent them a little for not being more laid back about it.
  • i desperately need to take time off, and i will in the gap before the new role. the last time i took a true break (no productivity whatsoever) was for 5 days in september 2023. since then, personal or 9-5 work has leaked into my weekends. i spent my winter break creating my portfolio, and i haven't taken PTO outside of sick leave since then... not something that i feel good about. looking forward to enjoying my life a little more!
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my favorite toxic behavior lately is searching who got the job when i get rejected at the last round. this time i can’t be mad because the person that landed it had an additional 2 years of experience on me :(

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let it be known that i wrote this in 2019 about someone who later cheated on me, was/is a pathological liar, broke up with me multiple times, and mailed me numerous letters and left multiple gifts on my car post breakup

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  1. decentering work, if not for myself, then for others. replacing "how's work?" with what i really mean, which is "how have you been? what have you been doing?" it's fine if i let career rot fill my brain, but my friends don't deserve to feel the same way
  2. i want to feel more hope this year. hope that i will have a better job (so my day to day feels more tolerable, so i don't dream of work to wake up to work), hope that i will be able to allow myself to have more fun (the short version of this is to simply have more fun, but i think i need neuronal rewiring to believe that i am deserving and financially capable of it), hope that life, generally, could be better than it is now. not that it's so bad now, but the thought that this is all it is, that i will be doing this forever is sickening
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many jumbled thoughts

1. there is so much want and jealousy in my life and i wish it weren’t there. it’s helpful in understanding what direction i should grow in but so detrimental in the long run

2. growing up is realizing that you will need to make peace with the mid boyfriends your friends keep (i have also been guilty of this so i should exercise patience)

3. being overly career/money oriented is not sexy. this does nothing but foster a culture of competition. what if we all loved each other a little more instead

4. having a dog is so different from wanting a dog. i’m realizing how impactful sleep is on my mood and how thin my patience is compared to my mom. makes me second guess how good of a mother i’d be one day. not sure if mom was always that patient or if raising two children mellowed her out

5. justin and i are misaligned on some big life things, which worries me. as he adds to the nest egg for a down payment, i feel like a fawn learning to walk on its new legs - retirement funds and a stock portfolio are so foreign to me. i don’t want to worry so soon, but he’s a little older and feels the pressure of family expectations, peers hitting that milestone, and the thought of paying off a mortgage as he retires.

6. i will probably feel like a girl up until i die. seeing old friends makes me feel especially young, but my default state is girl and not woman. i don’t mean this in a self infantilizing way; i just feel like i’m fully developed yet, and i don’t know if i ever will be? i think this is a good thing?

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got what i wanted and am still unhappy … haha. what now

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reblogged
ryebreadgf

Eventually you too will be 30 and other women will be 20, and it will happen far sooner than you think

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sated-joy

the opposing tags here LOL

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reblogged
ryebreadgf

Eventually you too will be 30 and other women will be 20, and it will happen far sooner than you think

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being a woman online that is perceived by men is so disgusting. i could be talking about anything: career family personal life being sad literally ANYTHING and men would find a way to hit on me or insult me. i am an attractive woman so they will watch me but i am still a woman and a punching bag. i know i’m thin skinned but why on a video of me talking about struggling do i need to delete comments calling me a sugar baby, directing me to onlyfans, telling me i’ll find a white man to care for me soon, telling me i was too stupid to become a doctor, insulting my degree (they don’t even know where i went to school or what i studied??), or saying that the jobs i’m searching for are useless, which is why they’ve been cut?

i don’t understand what happened to these men and why they 1) hold so much hate for strangers and 2) feel comfortable saying it directly to strangers online. i’ve received an immense amount of support (especially from women!) that i am so so grateful for, and there have been numerous kind men too … but i hate internet culture and how normalized it is to say insane things about people you have never and will never meet

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the beautiful thing about my brain is that it does a good job of blocking out bad memories. i know that i was in the worst place i’ve ever been two years ago but i can’t remember all of the details anymore. i used to be afraid to have blank periods of life but after deleting photos and journal entries of awful horrible heartbreaking events i feel much better - not sure if this qualifies as repressing or letting go of the pain but at the end of the day i feel better with it no longer in my body!!! if i could get a lobotomy to selectively remove all of 2021 from my brain i would in a heartbeat

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logged onto instagram today and experienced intense jealousy for things that i assume others have and i don’t (debatable?): financial freedom, ability to travel, large friend groups, interesting hobbies / accomplishments

all documented in perfect film photos - grainy happy smiles and new people in each frame? i wonder how people are able to keep so many friends around, even though i’ve never wanted a large group. i think about what i’ve done since i graduated and whether it even counts because i haven’t taken beautiful photos of it all. i used to do that — i don’t know why or when i stopped.

but with a new job (hopefully … soon …) on a different career path, i think i’ll be able to restart postgrad with a clean slate. i will always feel disappointed in my lack of decisiveness and poor timing, but a literal pandemic happened, so i should be forgiving. here’s to feeling the freedom to live life for what it is - not a transitional state, but a permanent playground i live in!! i can do anything i want!!!

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so hurt from the job search that i hate the sound of my gmail checker notification

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“No. Asexuality is a normal, healthy orientation just like heterosexuality, homosexuality, etc., and your experience is valid. Many asexuals go through a period of feeling like they are broken, but in reality it is our culture that is broken. A society that responds so dismissively and apathetically to you being authentically yourself is clearly not functioning properly.“

i found this quote in my drafts from 2 years ago when i was dating someone i was so not attracted to that he convinced me i was ace 

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falling asleep to the sound of drizzle with the window cracked open

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learning is so fun … sewing reading teaching myself webflow doing my silly little ux boot camp all make me feel like the weeks don’t blend into each other anymore

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