Sense of self
I cannot lose my sense of self. I have often wondered what kind of person I am, and have laid out experiences for myself that have led me to questioning my identity. Am I someone I want to be? Not quite. But I try. But I bitch too often to make a change, which I attempt little by little. I think too much, I feel too insecure and self conscious. I focus more on the presentation and not so much on who I am as a person, and where I fit in with the rest of the world. I seek friends that I do not deserve. I reach out, but they pull away, and the reason they pull away is because of the presentation. He's depressing, he's awkward. But that's not the person I try to be. That is not who I am, but that is all anyone sees me as. You get to know who I am as a person, allow me to be comfortable, and I can be your most loyal companion. What I know of myself. I'm a drifter, a dreamer, someone who wants to live and experience but is too anxious and discontent to cease the day. Someone who wants to make people laugh and feel good, but has to be given the chance. I don't always have something to say, but I can talk for hours with someone I connect with. And that’s all I want. But connections always seem limited. You meet someone, make a connection talk for hours, and that's it. They want nothing more. And you want everything more. I am not quite shy but bitterly insecure, physically, mentally, emotionally. My self image is warped. If others think I look fine I think of every flaw. Even ones that exist only in self perception. I am an actor. Partially because I love the thrill and the opportunities it creates, but also because I can get lost in a character. Although every thought is about perfecting the presentation and portrayal, It's that focus that drives me. It's my chance to become another person. Change my body, my face, gestures, body language, and present myself as someone else. It’s my chance to make a connection to people that I can’t make in real life. Well, more like that they cannot make with me. I am a constant thinker. Thinking about everything. Aware of everything. To the point of neuroticism. Overthinking. But when you think about overthinking, you overthink it. Worrying. Creating delusions. Inventing problems for the sake of it because your mind cannot be content with peace, for whatever reason. Until someone is there to bring me to Earth. But I am too harsh on who I am, because I know very well the positive things. I’m an open, caring, honest guy. I will tell anyone the truth at all costs, but you have to inquire to get an opinion out of me, unless you’re my companion. I can accept anyone’s flaws and take them whole heartedly into my world. Insecurities are fascinating. I can make friends with anyone who can do the same. Some assume I am judgemental, but that simply is not true. I try to see the good in people, even if it’s hard to do so to my own person. But I am too hard on myself. I’m not perfect, never will be, but I’m a caring soul, I am filled with passion and I love to learn and experience with people. If I’m not experiencing life, I feel lost. But I need that solitude for self analysis. But I look too much into it. I write lyrics, or poems depending on how you look at it. For reasons I’m not totally sure. I fell into it, developing a passion and eventually a skill for it. Now I write songs every day. But I have no interest in being a musician. I view myself as an actor and a screenwriter, although I haven’t written a screenplay in 3 years. When I do get inspired, it becomes a song. I enjoy it, but I don’t view it as defining my characteristics. I love music, especially old music. I adore The Beatles, Electric Light Orchestra and Harry Nilsson. I love old movies like The Marx brothers and Charlie Chaplin. I want to be cared for, appreciated, but it’s hard to get close to me. It’s hard to get noticed in a positive way. If I speak, the reaction is nihl. A lot of the times I wonder if it isn’t me, but others. It probably is both. It’s extremely difficult to present yourself as who you really are. You talk to a girl, and you know because of all the experiences she’d had, she is assuming you are trying to hit on her. Get something out of her. Something impure. Something to take away from her own sense of self. When really you want to know who herself is. You want to add something to her life. As a person. As a human being. But she views you as a creep among a sea of creeps. And that thought shudders me. Being viewed as something I’m not is horrifying. I have an underlying sadness, with intermittent manic happiness when comfortable and accepted. Connected with another dreamer. But deep down I am not a horrible person. I do not intend to hurt people. I do not lie, cheat or abuse people, or manipulate people. I care immensely about the happiness of others. I want to add something to someone’s life, and breathe life in their own sense of self. But that is often not enough. Often the flaws detour others. When I could be a much worse kind of person. A person who generally is accepted. I am still figuring out who I am. But like Nilsson said “I’m going to where the sun keeps shining through pouring rain; going where the weather suits my clothes; Banking off with the northeast winds, sailing on summer breeze; and skipping over the ocean like a stone.” That is my self. Tell me, who am I to you?