Psychosis Support

I'm 32 years old, I have a master's degree in psychology, I'm diagnosed with schizophrenia and adhd, and I'm passionate about community support and disability rights. I'm a greyaroace bisexual, genderfluid femme-transmasc-agender-leaning gay hegirl whatever queer.

I'm openly polyamorous and I have several partners, a couple of whom I live with in a house with our tiny dog and our three cats.

Beyond genderfluidity, my self-experience itself is fluid and plural in nature.

Quinn (he/they) (who is writing this) is the "default", and most directly aligned with our actual body/history/age etc. Aside from Quinn, there is also Elias (25, he/him), Cadia (10-20, she/her), Mahni (??, they/it), Jamie (adult, he/him) and Findus (5-ish and 12-ish, they/he).

Of course they all help me cope and heal in different ways, but I don't like to reduce anyone to mere "tools", and we all certainly have our own stuff going on.

This blog has been run under the names Kit, Cat and Quinn in the past, but going forward I'll use Glitch to refer to "the person+ behind this blog", I'll specify who is talking if ever relevant, but you can think of Glitch as our collective persona.

Main blog @neuroglitch

I believe people are the experts on their own lived experience, and I am not a fan of dictating anything for anyone.

I'm inclusive of weird and unexpected mental phenomena, and I don't think that experiences that don't align with consensus reality are inherently bad, as long as they are not causing harm to anyone (including yourself).

I think the diagnostic manuals are guidelines for a very simplified taxonomy of what we call neurodivergency, and for the most part, I think that getting lost in the finer details of diagnostics does more harm than good. I try to have a "symptom first" approach to mental diversity and suffering, though I don't deny that diagnoses can provide beneficial validation, treatment and accomodations.

I think the goal for any person should always be to live their own best life, and I don't think anyone gets to decide what that looks like for anyone else.

I want society at large to recognize that being crazy and weird may be out of the norm, but that doesn't make it morally bad or dangerous. I want all of us crazy kids to be able to take pride in being abnormal - even when it fucking sucks.

👽🌛🧠❤️‍🩹🦾

Peace out ✌️

Oh no! I just found this in my drafts, I'm not sure when the question is from. So sorry!!

So I can't tell you exactly how to figure this out, but I still wanted to have given you a timely answer.

I think the exact borders between diagnoses can be kinda fluid and that getting lost in the semantics thereof isn't always helpful, so what I'm about to say is more from a practical pov than a dsm or icd exact definitions pov.

So I think the question is first of all whether there's something you'd want to do different if it turns out that you are experiencing mania, is there some coping skills that might make life easier? And if yes, is there any danger to testing them out if it turns out to "just" be the combination of schizophrenia and adhd?

Another question is whether you experience what might be manic episodes outside of psychotic episodes? I would say that if you do, it might be especially worth it to look into, bc it points to it being a separate issue of its own. It could also be that it turns out that your psychotic episodes only ever happen when you seem to be having a mood episode. That would also be potentially useful knowledge, bc then bipolar might be your primary issue, and it's actually that your mood episodes come with psychosis.

I think ADHD and mania are sometimes mixed up yes, but an important distinction is that with ADHD it's a kind of constant presentation of symptoms, while mania is something that comes in episodes. And it can look a bit like adhd, and it can definitely make symptoms of adhd worse. But it's definitely episodic.

Anyways I'm so sorry I somehow lost your question in my drafts and I have no idea when this was from but... Yea

Hi there!!

Thank you for the message, it means a lot me!! I fought very hard to get my degree, because university is a bitch for the mentally ill (and possibly everyone but it was definitely hard for me). I have been on sick leave since finishing my degree so I haven't had the chance to be the professional I want to be, yet.

But I really hope that one day I can be a psychologist/therapist who actually GETS it and knows how to speak to brainweird people.

I'm so sorry you've had such distressing experiences with therapists and psychologists - I know that there are genuinely good ones out there, but all too many are incompetent when it comes to psychotic issues, if not downright scared to engage with us.

I am struggling to keep up with this blog these years, or rather, I'm not sure what to say or share with y'all always. But asks like yours encourage me to try. Because I care so much about our community, and I wish as much information and support as possible to be available to us. So if I can play a small part in that, I'm happy.

"Also forgot to clarify that the person is recently discovering/coming to terms with that shes schizospec too so thats why upon reading that im pretty much going "....huh!" Bec this implies this may not be normal (i mean of course not but. Never really bothered to say or think anything about it until now)"

Hi there anon! I'm glad you're reaching out, and I hope I can help you a little on your way!

What you're describing, intense fear of hypothetical scenarios and "closed eye hallucinations" are both things that I can definitely relate to as constants in my life. I don't have enough information from just this ask to say whether your experiences are full blown delusional/psychotic, but regardless, it sounds like it's taking a toll on you, and have been getting worse. It's common for this type of experience to worsen with stress, so it's no wonder it worsened when you were going through something traumatic.

When I first talked to a psychiatrist about some of my beliefs, they wrote something that I later found kind of interesting, that some of my beliefs were like those of a scared child. As if I had never quite learned how to regulate that type of fear and my imagination would get the better of me. I don't know if your experience is anything like that, but from the way you described it, I thought that might be relatable to you.

The line between fear, anxiety and psychosis can be hard to define. One thing I've learned is that most people with "pure anxiety" are not having anxiety about bizarre or paranoid things, but about more mundane matters that have been blown out of proportion. But obviously there's variability. But I remember when I met my partner of now... 9 years ...? I wasn't diagnosed with anything yet, and we were both like "yeah I have anxiety" and thought we knew what the other meant by that. And then they were confused when I was like "yeah I'm anxious that the spirit of the lamp will steal my soul, and that people are putting poisoned coins in public spaces". But like the anxiety was similar, it's just that the things I was anxious about were odd, I guess.

Anyways, I'm rambling, sorry!

About the images you get when you close your eyes, that is most often described as a type of intrusive thought, and I've also heard people call them "closed eye hallucinations". I get icky and scary images like this sometimes, and it can be really distressing.

I hope your symptoms don't get worse, and I hope you can feel at ease knowing that no matter the exact cause or name, you are definitely not alone with having these experiences, and they are common experiences for people on the schizospec and people with some other related difficulties.

And if you find that you relate to the schizospec experience, there's space enough for everyone, and you are welcome here. Even if you don't fit any specific disorders or you conclude that your symptoms are "sub-clinical" or more related to something else, I believe in an open door policy and I think anyone with this type of experience can benefit from spending time in/with the community, and can bring unique insights to the table themselves.

I don't know if I'm making any sense, I'm super tired today, but yeah that's my two cents I guess ^^

Edit: It might give you some insight to look into other symptoms associated with the schizo-spec, like negative symptoms, cognitive symptoms and ipseity disturbances :) I think that will give you a stronger idea of whether you are likely to relate to most of us 🌼

And since that post I reblogged from myself is kind of general, yes, among other things, that post is about how I think psychotic people have been overwhelmingly thrown under the bus, silenced and hurt in the so-called "syscourse" that's been happening on this site (and presumably elsewhere) for years.

And I think we get to have emotions about that.

I'm so sorry to everyone who's been made to feel like a bad person for experiences outside their control, or anyone who has been pushed into a delusional headspace to "justify" their experiences.

Psychotic and schizospec people have always had a complicated relationship with our "self", and there are a plethora of ways in which psychotic disorders can cause experiences referred to as "plurality".

There's nothing immoral about these experiences, and it's pretty fucked up to suggest that there is.

(I'm not saying that atypical plurality is always related to psychosis btw, I'm just saying that atypical experiences of plurality are huge in the psychotic community, and that's something that's near and dear to me)

Hi there! Double bookkeeping is when you hold two opposing things to be true at the same time, for psychosis we use it to talk about a specific type of insight that many people experience.

Insight is when you are aware on some level that your delusions might be the result of illness, and insight can exist at various levels and in various ways. Often there's an internal fight related to insight, so one day you might feel like "I think that my beliefs might not hold up with reality and that I might have a problem" and then another day maybe you think "oh no, I nearly fell for the conspiracy by thinking I was suffering with delusions". And there can be many in between states and more extreme states as well. It's not either or, it's a spectrum.

Double bookkeeping is when you at the same time do feel convinced of the delusional content, but you are also aware that you have a disorder that causes delusions and that your thoughts might be the result of that. Often this allows you to act in a way so as not to "arouse suspicion" about your delusions, bc you are still aware how it looks to people around you.

So you could say that you are keeping two "books" on reality at once, and they can't both be simultaneously true but you feel rather convinced that they are.

As an example I used to have a long-standing delusion that I somehow personally was the cause of the suffering experienced by living beings on this earth, it caused me a lot of guilt and self-hatred because I did believe it, but at the same time I didn't go ahead and "save the earth" by committing suicide, because I was aware that my beliefs didn't make sense in consensus reality and that if I was wrong, I would simply cause more suffering to my loved ones.

I hope this was helpful!

Hi there!

It sounds like you had a really scary episode of paranoia, I'm sorry that happened to you! It's definitely recognizable to me as an experience, and I completely understand why you are scared of being that irrationally afraid again. It's very scary to lose control of your own mind in that way.

It always sucks when the MH professionals around you don't seem to quite understand your difficulty. While they may be right that this sounds like it could be an episode of "micro psychosis" that could be associated with bpd (or other disorders), that doesn't mean that it isn't a type of psychosis and that you can't benefit from resources geared more at that.

I would say about medication that the professionals may be reluctant around antipsychotic medication, because those are very side effect heavy medications, but if you continue to have experiences like this, it's not to say that it couldn't be worth it for you. Everyone responds very differently.

As for how to "deal with it" it's honestly very hard, especially in the beginning, and it's not something I can easily summarize in my current state and everyone is very different. But I think that trying to find things that make you feel more safe in the moment is important, even if it's "silly". Like for me, if I'm having a bad time when I'm going to sleep, I'll sleep with my lights on to avoid the worst of the paranoia. And I know some people have a teddy they consider protective, stuff like that. It might seem like "leaning into the crazy", but I don't personally think that it's harmful to use the "crazy" logic of these episodes to find a bit of comfort as well.

I hope that you can start to feel more safe.. and if this continues or gets worse I hope you can find some help from the professionals in your life.. otherwise I recommend looking for communities of others with similar experiences.

I hope this answer finds you well,

Glitch

Difficulty sleeping can be a side effect of stimulant medication, though it doesn't happen for all. I think if you do end up trying it, it's important that you start real slow, and see how your body and mind reacts before potentially upping the dose. I understand desiring the potential positive effects of the medication, but it's also important to protect the stability that you have built for yourself so far.

I do think that it's a good idea, regardless, to look into non-medication based coping for adhd. If you don't have access to someone who can help you one to one, I know that there's many people on YouTube discussing life hacks for adhd and so on. I wish you the best of luck in any case!

Hi there,

I don't personally have the bandwidth for DMs at the moment, but you are welcome to join a discord server I have for people who are schizo spec/experience psychosis or are questioning. There's a bunch of nice people there (me included) who won't judge you for discussing your experiences. If you send a DM to my main, @neuroglitch, I will share a link with you when I see it.

I've had a bout of physical illness and now I'm travelling to Hungary to visit my partner's family. I have a heap of relatively new asks but it will probably be a little over a week before I'll have a chance to respond to them, I hope I can respond to a few on mobile during my travels but that might be optimistic