420 catnip

I made this for my silly dumb Freaky Friday Rainbow Factory AU tiktok series. I had to share it I'm sorry

Ay!! Look at me using my emotion pics I got from @maritzac (go buy art from her she's great!!)

Anywhosies this here is a vent video post about my toxic ex (who is and will always be unnamed) and her backhanded feedback about my voice acting goals and dreams.Skip if that's not your vibe I totally get it

Remember when I was Aliza? Lol

Send me asks and/or replies and I'll make something

I'm so sorry...

So any mutuals remember my shapeshifting OC/sona thing? Yeah....

This is the tiktok I harmonized with

I just had the urge to record this and I couldn't duet it properly on my phone so....

Rag Dolly has two very different vibes between the animated movie version and the broadway musical version

No Girls Toy Cover

I PUT MY COVER TO ANIMATION!!!!

I maybe went a bit too far down the rabbit hole.

RF Wally belongs to Dodozoi

I drew this and...I kinda really like it??

I sang this song because in my head I can sound like him but I cut out all the parts of my speaking? Anyway this is a sort of voice update but also this song is trans vibes for me and affirming af!!

I decided to voice this scene solo. So its just Jane and some editing...

I haven't voiced something in like...a year? And I think it shows? Anyway its like 3:30am right now.

I believe you are in massive need of Leetle Kitties

I accept your offer of said leetle kitties!

I’m making a demo reel for my birthday this year.

I’m saying this now. I’m saying this out loud and telling the internet in an effort to keep myself to it. I’ve always wanted to make a demo reel for years! YEARS! If you’ve been an active mutual of mine, you would most likely remember me saying these things every year for a while and then chickening out last minute. 

I’m not gonna wuss out this time! I’m totally going to do it! Because now that my voice is changing, I feel POWERFUL!!! I’d like to think the reason I got too nervous to make one before I came out and got my proper medicine was that I kinda really hated my voice. I hated playing female characters and knowing that they would be sexualized and I’d inevitably historically would have creepy DMs saying they wanna fuck my characters. I had my former lover tell me I could make asmr pr0n with my own voice. 

Like yeah that is an incredible compliment and I indeed felt very complimented at the time especially because it was my then partner expressing that I could be desirable. Who WOULDN’T want that?? 

But then I started to feel...gross? I mean personally I never got being flirty/sultry/sexy/etc etc...It always just made me feel weird and gross and like...no thank you.

I tried to break out of that mentality because people would think its weird that I as an adult would think sex stuff was weird. Like I really tried real hard for honestly way too long to break out of my comfort zone and keep up with allosexual people around me so that I wouldn’t be infantilized and thought of as “too pure for this world”. I tried to keep up with my allosexual ex so that she wouldn’t feel the need to talk to other guys. So that I could prove I’d be man enough to please her only to later realize that it took her over a year to even accept my transition as something that factually is happening and I was being serious when I came out to her. I accepted her when she was questioning and I helped her every single step of the way but it takes more than a year plus a random youtuber for her to take my identity seriously...That’s getting away from my point here...

The point is that now that I’m transitioning and I’m gaining the relaxed elasticity I can finally sound cartoony enough for western animation! Something my ex was also so helpfully critical about. I wasn’t rubbery like her. I wasn’t cartoony enough but I could totally be a down to earth anime character! I could be the ditzy, yandere, princessy, uwu cutesy, bitchy, annoying, tsundere, sexy, sultry, fuckable, etc etc etc...All the things that made me feel both constrained and gross!

But now...NOW NO ONE CAN STOP ME!!!! I can sound femme, masc, and all the in between! I can be creepy or kooky or crazy or funny. Overly theatrical or nerdy and just fun. I can be fun! I can be characters that wont be immediately fuckable! I can finally be the sorts of voices that wont net in so many creepy anon DMs.

I can be ace and enjoy it. I CAN BE A CARTOON AND ENJOY IT

I CAN BE AN ASEXUAL MENACE CARTOONY WHIMSICAL SON OF A BITCH AND NOT FEEL GROSS

I CAN LOVE MY VOICE AND MY JOB JOURNEY AND NO ONE CAN FUCKING STOP ME!!!!!

Focus, Wandering, and needing to be Heard

I am not currently sure what I’m supposed to accomplish here. I have a list of things that I should be doing. A terrifying focus of should bes but never are. I should script, I should edit, I should focus on art, I should focus on family, pets, clean, focus, focus, focus…

Focus on what I need but what is a need when you live your life for others. For the focus and attention of others. The praise of loved ones or worse…strangers. What is a need without the knowledge that others would praise you for reaching it. Meeting it like an old friend or a new acquaintance in the sullen alleyway of yourself. Meeting an old aching need like agreeing to chat with a friend over coffee. The light jazz sprinkles our words with a special emphasis that says ‘this is here. This is now.’ Meeting aq new need that feels self-taught, self-created, innovated by the devil's idle hands. In the loneliness of quiet when there is no one to meet. No one to update but myself and the moon.

The moon feels like it could be a good listener. The waxing and waning crescents wipe away the old to gladly accept the new, the harvest at its fullest ready to sit and to ponder. To let the silence simmer and the stars shimmer in information shared like a secret betwixt lovers only to have the crescent become eager for knowledge once more. Am I afraid to continue shouting into the silence? Do I fear the moon not care for me anymore? The universe does not care for any one individual so then why must we be plagued by the desire to be heard. Why does the notion that the moon does not listen hurt? Why must I always hinge my creations on the praise of others? Of strangers?

Why must we crave loved ones? Humanity has been built on community and the instinct of pack mentality. Being Shepard'd as one of the herd. One of the herd begging to be heard. It’d feel like a joke if it weren’t so tragic. I’ve seen people put trust in the stars. As if the galaxy could tell anyone anything about themselves and how they can judge others. I beg the moon to listen to my cries of loneliness and yet I know the moon does not care. The stars were not built out of empathy. There is not a fortune to be spelled out amongst the stardust that dances in the night sky. No matter how many stars you manage to count, there will never be an answer. You will not gain access to self-knowledge nor will the galaxies give you any excuse to belittle others.

If the star signs give you personal stories to tell, tell them with your full chest! However, you should never forget empathy. You must always maintain enough empathy to know that you will never truly know anyone enough to judge, berate, or belittle them for being different than you. Never let those giant balls of gas traveling at the speed of light, being the measures for light speed, they are not built with empathy. Never let the stardust excuse your ignorance and hurt you cause others. Never let the twinkling lights in the night explain away your monstrosities. Stars can mean quite a lot to a lot of people, but they do not give permission to ANYONE to abuse.

Anything that gives you self-hope should not also fuel your cruelties.

But who am I to say such things? I’m but a lone stranger writing my thoughts into the nether because I cannot think of anything else to focus on. Who am I to request to be listened to?

I don’t know what I crave from doing this. I wonder if I post it, perhaps someone will read it. Maybe someone can tell me that I did a good job? Perhaps I can be informed that I made some excellent points. That I’m truly well read and poignant and artistic and creative. That I truly am smart and wonderful and friendly and courageous and all the things we always secretly wish we are.

Or maybe I’m searching for empathy? I cast my message in a bottle and toss it out to sea with the vain hopes that this reaches someone else who only has themself and the moon to open to. Maybe I’m reaching for another soul that reads what I say and feels a sort of connection. Someone that would hopefully not feel as alone as when they started. Is that selfless? Or do I still just want validation from strangers. ‘Look at that young man! He reached out to the lonely and the broken! What a good man that is!!’

Is wanting to hear that selfish? Does that defeat the purpose of compassion, selflessness, and empathy?

…Do those answers matter?

I’m left to think about that episode of Sanders Sides where Janus (Deceit) emphasized the importance of self-care. Selfish is bad but self-ish behavior can be lifesaving. You should not wait for a catastrophe to remember that your own self matters just as much as others.

Selflessness and compassion are wonderful virtues but what happens when you focus so much on compassion for strangers or loved ones that you run out of energy for yourself? And when is there “enough” self-care?

When is it ever enough??

When will I feel heard?

When can I focus on others?

When does what I want or need matter?

When will I make a sound?

When, when, when, nothing but when buzzing around in my brain. A static buzz begging for a timeline. A set date where everything works out and finally falls into place. I know wanting such things is foolish but without power, all I have is wants. Foolish, stupid wants.

Let me put my line in the sand. My pencils are sharp enough; even the dull ones will make a mark. Fuck it, let's do this!