Ships Weren't Made To Stay Safe In The Harbour

this is for a part-time job as a barista

on an application to work the front desk of a hotel

If minimum wage you'd like to make, This ancient quiz you'll have to take.

Step right up, but be prepared. Those who fail are poverty-snared. Question One! If your labor proves most fruitful, Raking quarters by the bootful, Who should excess profits reap, Me the wolf or you the sheep? Question Two! If, by merit, you're made pope, What will be your fervent hope? Law and order justly paired? Or mercy and the guilty spared?

Question Three! If a train should leave Topeka Driven by a solar squeaker, How then should the cat behave? Give it milk or give it grave? Question Four! Do you have a criminal record?

If minimum wage

you’d like to make, This ancient

quiz you’ll have to take.

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

what

There is absolutely nothing you could make up about American politics. Imagination is dead. It's useless.

important to note he is also offering to eat more worms as a test of valor

THE TWEET IS REAL??!?!

this is fucking frying me rn 😭😭😭

Pour one out for a real one.

Y'all can't just let him trip in here alone

Someone on Reddit keeps getting recommended the Jane Austen subreddit despite knowing nothing about Jane Austen, so they posted an Ask Me Anything. Best response so far:

Sorry JA, no longer a truth universally acknowledged.

absolutely sobbing at this one

they’re not Wrong

Affirming boys' right to be silly and women's right to blow shit up

i hate it when game devs put “fixed several issues” in patch notes 

no. tell me what you fixed. i wanna know what the glitch was.

you know those patch notes that are like “fixed an issue where if the player sat in a bush for too long, they’d become the size of a skyscraper” 

i wanna read those. tell me those. 

Adjusted value of Bees. Now that was a special one… because every item in the game had a minimum value, and a beehive was a container for bees, which each had a minimum value… which meant the moment one of your dwarves picked up a beehive, your entire fortress’ net worth skyrocketed… a value used in determining how powerful the foes that visit and try to murder you are.

Reblogging for the explanation of what “adjusted value of bees” actually means, because I know several folks following this blog have been wondering.

Okay but you’ve all forgotten the best Dwarf Fortress bug of all “Flying creatures give birth in midair, leading to tragedy” 

Actually I lied it’s the one where after a major update werewolves and vampires started climbing the nearest tree and refusing to come down. It turned out that he’d given evil creatures the ability to sense each other, but forgotten to set a maximum range on it, so werewolves were aware Hell was underground and trying to flee by climbing 

This has to be my favorite patch note ever

method actor this method actor that. toshiro mifune played a guy getting shot at by arrows by getting shot at by arrows

and yeah i believe it. ^ this is the face of a guy getting shot at by arrows

I just heard my mom tell my brother, “when you die, you will go outside and garden until your father says you’re done” and it took me a second to realize that my brother was playing a videogame and this was not a theological discussion.

Purgatory

The Garden of Death

Watercolor and gouache by Hugo Simberg, 1896

“Gone outside to garden” is a strangely affecting euphemism for death.

Concentration camp.

They built a concentration camp.

I don't think words can describe what this other than genocide.

i’m not the first to make this crossover, but it’s too good to resist <3

bonus farcille:

You live in a house decorated according to your url. What does it look like

It’s on fire

Full of candles and music stuff?

Yeah, that tracks.

A patchwork of organized madness, aka a scrap quilt.

you’re at the wrong house