JUST A GIRL.

Chilling in my bed, playing a new game on ps4 w a sleeping baby on my lap & rain outside my open window. Throw in a nap & this would be the coziest. 💕

I’ve been barely staying ahead of my toddlers next mess this week. We went to baby club at the library this morning because my coworker texted me that we should come, another coworker has been begging me to bring the kids to it, & I love helping boost their stats lol.

It was chaos. There were so many kids there & it was fun but it was extreme sensory overload. By the end, my kid couldn’t regulate himself, the baby was hungry, & I had to fill out a three page form for their grant records. As I sat there filling out the form as other families packed up and left, the baby started crying & my kid just kept making one mess after another. As he proceeded to dump a full cup of water down his entire front, a mom w a baby walked past & stopped to tell me, “you’re doing a great job”.

I know she meant support & solidarity, & it was kind of her to say, & I do appreciate it. But I felt on some level that she was saying it out of pity? Even though rational brain knows that’s not the case. I was just, in the moment, so overwhelmed & embarrassed & could barely concentrate on the form I was filling out, & all I could choke out was a quick smile & “thanks” as she walked away. I felt like a total failure who couldn’t keep it together, & I think that’s why the other mom spread kindness my way. She was so kind.

I ended up being the last family there, wishing that the forms would be available online in the future. I was able to get my kid a full shirt change because he was just THAT soaked with water 🤦🏻‍♀️, & fed the baby one side as I talked with my coworkers before packing up the stroller, backpack, & canvas bag of freebies they gave me due to the grant program.

I just struggle with perfection SO MUCH, & feeling like I need to never be a mess on the outside. Days like today, I feel so vulnerable because it WAS a lot & so outwardly a struggle. But I got both kids fed, out the door, to a fun kids program, socialized with coworkers who adore my kids, & got them home & fed again. Now I’m nap trapped with the infant. I’m getting out of the house while still in the “4th trimester”. I’m still on maternity leave, & I’ve been doing everything myself for three days while my husbands out of state. I was able to keep the house up until last night, really, & a 20 minute pickup will fix most of it. I think I can give myself a mental break & some grace, but I’ve never been very good at that.

It’ll be a relief to have my husband home soon, cause next week brings Total Eclipse Day in a major totality city (seriously, I’m not even planning on leaving our neighborhood, & if I could baby wear on a bike, I wouldn’t even drive). Then the very next day, I start back to work for the first time since I went into labor in mid January. Early next week will be a lot, but I’m ready for it.

I just need to remember that I’m doing great, & other people can see that too. They can see the beauty in my imperfection & they don’t think badly of it. My village has been checking on me this week while I’ve been alone & it’s not because I can’t handle it; it’s because that’s what people do when they care about each other. I need to be kinder to myself.

Hi, I’m freaking out over the weather forecast for tomorrow because I’m super scared of tornadoes and it’s the worst forecast in a decade and OF COURSE I’m alone w a newborn & three year old while my husband is off on a fucking work trip & im still on my maternity leave for fucks sake & I just need someone to tell me I’m not alone & it’s going to be okay 😭

The skies have been gorgeous lately. @thejunesky

445-545am: wake up with baby, feed, settle, go back to sleep til my alarm at 7

615am: get blasted awake by adrenaline from the air raid sounding siren that is the amber alert on my phone

At least it was local this time, and fuck whoever decides to take kids (most of the time, statistically, the non custodial parent), but I am so pissed that I just shut off all future amber alerts on my phone, negating what the alert is for.

Maybe don’t send middle of the night alerts multiple times a month, you fucks.

Toddler life:

My entire house smelled like men’s cologne for over 12 hours after my kid got into it.

Better than diaper cream, I suppose. No clean up (& we were able to open the windows today 😍)

The newborn haze has the days blending together so hard, I thought today was the 23rd. Fuck.

I love my kids, but I hate not working.

I hate thank you note culture. Some people take written thank you notes SO seriously. I don’t mind doing them for the most part as long as I can have like a month turnaround time or have people just not give a fuck at all about them.

The people who don’t care are the people I love, cause I always say a sincere thank you to their face & maybe some sort of verbal follow up too, & they are satisfied. The really old school people like elders automatically get written thank yous sent first.

I’ve been in touch w my boss while I’ve been out on leave and heard thru the grapevine that someone had mentioned a lack of thank you note from my surprise baby shower. She was like “don’t get mad, I’m just the messenger…”

This is why I wrote a thank you note THAT WEEK and had it sitting on the break room table for the team to read. I was planning on doing individual thank yous as I opened the gifts to make sure I was thanking for the correct thing.

But then I had the baby three weeks early, before we even had the dresser set up yet. Then we are adjusting to newborn/ two kids life and no sleep. But a fucking thank you note asap… this makes me never want to write one ever again.

I feel this SO MUCH right now, haha. My system actually has this book at the branch ten mins down the street… I’m tempted to pack up the newborn & go grab it off the shelf.

Why the hell did I sign up for text messages at every Plato’s Closet in the area, including the ones I went to once while on a road trip to the other big cities in Ohio 💀🤦🏻‍♀️

Just parent things…

I’ve been listening to the Spidey & Friends theme song since my kid’s been listening to it all day, & realized that it sounded like it’s done by Fall Out Boy. Sure enough, one google later & Patrick Stump does indeed sing it. 2006 me would feel incredulous at this info.

I like where I’m at in life right now overall. I like being in the having kids stage of things. 2006 me would also feel strange about that. I knew at that time that I’d probably have some kids at some point, but it was in a “that’s what other people do” kind of mindset. It’s also taken me until now basically to have my shit together & I feel like the more responsibilities I have, the better I function when it comes to getting shit done.

Three weeks today until my birthday.

Less than that until my due date.

I feel like I’m not going to make it to my due date, but maybe it’s just because I am feeling SO huge & uncomfortable. Sleeping has been rough.

We finished house renovations that needed to happen, & did a furniture shuffle to make all the bedrooms functional for who they are supposed to be for, but there’s still so much work to do. So much stuff to put away, things to assemble. And I’m just exhausted.

At the same time, I don’t plan on being pregnant again, so I’m trying to savor everything I like about pregnancy- the belly, the kicks, etc. I know I’ll miss it, even though I’m wildly uncomfortable because she’s out of space in there.

Im daydreaming about newborn snuggles & actually being able to have family come meet baby in the hospital this time.

Im just so so tired. I totally understand why people stop working at 38 weeks.

Someone brought a small dog into work & then a child tripped over it.

Last week, my child was so upset that we didn’t have time to go to the public library after school, he wouldn’t tell me about his day at school at all 😅 He is so my child haha.

My work bestie is leaving to work at a new location & I just feel 😩😭

I’m also 90% sure I’m going to have to give up hours permanently because we are probably losing half of our childcare with no notice besides a full grown adult had a tantrum about a CHILD. I was planning on reducing hours once the new baby was here but I guess I might need to do it like next week instead. 🙄😩

I haven’t super been active on tumblr in quite a while- I’ve heard this site is actually starting the sunset process??

I really keep coming back to check in all of you who always heart my posts & who I care about keeping up with. Dm me for fb info- that’s really the only other place I am. Unless everyone is heading to another site? Let me know!

To all of you I’ve met through here, even if we lose track of each other, know that I still think about you from time to time. Even those who fell off tumblr years ago- the gray haired Italian from Rome who was super kind- & the one person who blocked me years ago who we share a ton of mutuals. Internet friends are forever.

I’ll try to go down my list & touch base soon w people, but maybe I’m just shouting into the void, lol. If I’m not, dm me so we can stay in touch.

Loves, A

“The 3-year-old preschool’s building is in soft lockdown, but luckily they weren’t at school today because of COVID illnesses”

…is not a sentence I ever thought I’d say before having kids. I also thought we’d at least get to kindergarten age before our first lockdown notification.

Why am I bringing another child into this fucked up world again?

Oh well, off to vote to hopefully secure reproductive rights. Goddamn it, USA.

It’s sunny out but on the cold side. I just want to skip work and sit out in the sun for a bit like a plant.