I Don’t Write Dystopia: A Reaction to the Philando Castile Injustice.

Philando Castile’s murderer was found not guilty today, adding his name to a growing list of injustices expected to be swallowed by Black communities everywhere.

This list of injustices is the reason I can’t allow my writing to be categorized as dystopian.

I write young adult novels that imagine near future outcomes based on past atrocities and present crimes against humanity. Specifically, I write what will happen if America continues bullshitting about anti-blackness.

That’s not dystopian; it’s real and present danger. Confusing the two is a sign of privilege.

When I describe the plots of my books to people they’ll often say, “Oh! You write dystopia.”

Honestly, I never considered this when I sat down to write my first manuscript. I thought, “How long will this go on?”

This referred to the physical violence of police shootings; the geographical and economic violence of gentrification; the legislative violence of the criminal justice system, and all other forms of violence perpetuated by systemic racism. It was fall of 2015. At that time we were still communally grieving the loss Sandra Bland and many others.

My writing began to center around a counter question:  “What will it take to make this stop?” For my own sanity I needed to brainstorm ways to create the justice Black people have been denied in this country and abroad, while reminding us that our ancestors NEVER surrendered; we’ve ALWAYS rebelled.

While the likes of Katniss Everdeen are championed as leaders of rebellion, those of us facing similar circumstances as the fictional citizens of District 12 are often silenced because the face of revolution is only heroic when it’s white and/or occurring in an unknown place and time. The current face of American rebellion is a black woman, from the leaders of Black Lives Matter organizing from a place of Love, to Congresswoman Maxine Waters speaking truth to power, to Beyoncé and Serena Williams dominating mediums that have excluded and/or exploited our bodies. Writing main characters that embody OUR story as Black women and leaders of social change isn’t dystopian; it’s historically accurate.

On days like today when another police officer is acquitted for killing someone who could be my blood relative, and is my ancestral kin, I recommit to writing stories that challenge oppressed communities to reimagine what revolution looks like, and to envision life without their oppressors. The terrorists in my stories aren’t brown. I write them in the white skin I know them to wear and dress them in hoods no matter how many badges or suits they own. I remind white America of their November 2016 exit polling numbers with the hope that they’ll claim their ancestors and the legacy of violence they’ve inherited and continue to perpetuate. That’s not dystopian; it’s strategic.

One day I may write about something else, like butterflies or some shit like that. Sadly, I can’t see that day in my lifetime and I’m reminded with every not guilty verdict that my role in this fight will only shift when society does.  As long as folks in America have Wi-Fi and air conditioning the majority of Americans will remain convinced that the water isn’t poisoned, that tax paying citizens aren’t being targeted by police states and murdered, that justice is for all, and that if we wait patiently, discuss race politely, and turn more cheeks than God gave us, we will become a perfect union. That’s not dystopian; it’s delusional.

My commitment isn’t to being provocative or fulfilling the stereotype of an angry black woman by engaging these essential questions. My commitment is to writing my people out of the dystopian novel we were written into against our will.  

So long as the list of names continues to grow I will resist being narrowed to a genre that relegates the real struggles of my people to a fictional what if. 

Some of us don’t write dystopia, we survive it.

The Four Psychological Stages Of #amquerying.

For the past year and a half or so I have had the pleasure of participating in this social experiment known as #amquerying. 

For those who haven’t spent the last few years of their life refreshing their email inboxes and swimming through waves of rejections, the querying process is when writers place their literary children on the alter of agent representation and await a thumbs up or thumbs down. A thumbs up (which is the golden ticket of our Willy Wonka writing kingdom) looks like this:

But it feels like this:

And this thumbs up comes in many forms. It could be like, “Sure I will read a chapter!” Or it could be the Adam Levine of all thumbs up:

Sounds freaking amazing right?! Yes! Yes it is! 

The problem is that the Law of Polarity dictates that if there is this amazingness known as a thumbs up, then there must also be a polar opposite. Here is where we discover the maddening abyss of thumbs down.

Yes. What goes up, must come down. I didn’t make the rules. Thumb down feels like:

And...

....and definitely...

And this is where this post and my intersection as a therapist and querying writer come in handy. Trust me, I have researched hours and hours of Twitter feed to come to this very sound scientific conclusion....

There are Four Psychological Stages of #AMQUERYING, and I have been through all four, multiple times...so, yeah, I get it...

Here we go!

STAGE ONE: BLIND OPTIMISM

Query Letter...Check!

List of agents from online resource available to millions of aspiring writers...Check!

First draft of MS.....Check!

Quote from favorite author taped to computer screen for the “difficult” moments...Check!

The hard part is behind you, right? I mean, geez! Do you know how long it took to get that word count to an acceptable number? But you have it in your hands now! A product. A book. Now all you need is someone who believes in your baby as much as you do! Yes! You got this!

You are in this phase if you:

Symptoms include:

Treatment:

Unfortunately, the only cure for STAGE ONE, is STAGE TWO.

STAGE TWO: PANIC

A mountain of rejections later, after you realize that the feeling from that dream agent’s profile pic was only gas, blind optimism is replaced with a soul crushing panic attack. 

Maybe I am not as good as I thought? Maybe my MS is shit? Why don’t they like me? Is it my profile pic? Am I wrong about my destiny to be a writer?

The answer is yes and no. You are not wrong about your goal of being a writer, but you were wrong to think that all that is required to be a writer is...writing. Think about it. Professional athletes have to do more that play their sport. They have to train, eat right, connect with other athletes and adjacent professionals, tweek their process, change their style, and even smile for the cameras! 

Writing is hard, but it’s also what we love to do. It is our version of play. And no professional anything becomes successful through play alone. STAGE TWO is about coming to terms with the reality that there is a difference between loving to write and becoming a professional writer.

You are in this phase if you:

Symptoms include:

This was a very difficult phase for me. Querying kicked the crap out of my ego and I found myself wading in a puddle of self-pity and borderline bitterness for nearly two months. Not because I am typically a negative person or because I consciously expected things to happen for me overnight. It was because I thought that getting an agent was my reward for all the insecurities I pushed through to write the book in the first place. We all have them.

 I don’t have an MFA. I haven’t written before. I’m a stay at home parent. I’m LGBTQ, black, muslim, and/or woman. This world does not want to hear my story. Who am I to write a book?

To paraphrase Marianne Williamson, Who are you not too?

Cheer up! Here is what can help to raise you out of STAGE TWO.

Treatment:

Do this and there will be an ocean of writers welcoming you back to the querying arena with arms wide open.

STAGE THREE: TRIBING UP

Yes, I made tribing a verb. 

Tribing (v).: The act of finding and connecting with one’s peoples.

Tribing is perhaps the most important stage of the #amquerying process. It took tweets from writers like A.C. Thomas, Meredith Ireland, Sheree L. Greer, Rebekah Weatherspoon, Fiona Zedde, Frederick Smith and countless others to drag me back into the game from the pits of STAGE TWO. 

Ironically, much of this occurred through a Twitter contest, #DVPit, the brain child of Beth Phelan of The Bent Agency. I happened upon the hashtag the day of the contest. 140 characters later I had my first taste of life out of the slush pile! Thirteen agents liked my tweet and just like that I was sending direct queries. I have to say that emerging from the slush for the first time was like,

Not only did it connect me to agents, (who I immediately followed on Twitter along with a host of other writers), but authors held me up and tweeted their support for my entry! Soon I was stalking these contests and anyone hashtagging them. Not just for the opportunity to get out of the slush, but also for the chance to connect and grow my tribe.

Here, in this competitive gladiatoresque world of querying, I was discovering alliances! And why not? Who best to understand the struggle of the writing-to-writer transition than our fellow comrades who also know the bittersweetness of STAGES ONE and TWO!

My world was opened. My mind was blown.

And here is where we need to talk about relapse.

The flood of validation sent me soaring back to STAGE ONE, which by now you should know inevitably leads to STAGE TWO, and that ain’t good.

But what is good is that this time I got out of STAGE TWO in less that two months. I began to use the feedback from the rejections to revise, and I let go of the idea of having a “FINAL” draft. I realized that I had some serious issues with the first few chapters of my book, which is exactly what agents typially request. Agents were attracted to my premise, but something in the first few chapters was sending up red flags. So I found CPs (thanks Meredith!) and WOW! On my own I would never have caught it! I needed fresh eyes and a subjective person to show me what I was doing subconsciously, and to help me to fix it.

Fellow queryers, these manuscripts that we hold dear are living breathing things that must be allowed to grow and change in order to become our best work, and that is a beautiful thing. Revising is a beautiful thing.

If you embrace STAGE THREE you will gain:

Which brings us to the final stage.

STAGE FOUR: PERSEVERANCE

You have your tribe.

You are on draft five or six thanks to feedback from agents.

Your author quotes have exploded across your office/bedroom/kitchen wall.

You check your email as needed.

Now, all you can do is..........

Not give up.

Not when you slide back into STAGE ONE.

Not when you slide into STAGE TWO.

Not when your “dream” agent doesn’t “get your voice” (Remember the gas?)

Not when you are lost in revisions and cannot seem to remember which way is up.

Not ever.

There is only one guarantee in this #amquerying process. 

One.

If you don’t query, you don’t get an agent. 

You know this. 

You had to conquer this during the #amwriting phase. If you didn’t finish your MS, there would be nothing to query.

Same thing applies. No query, no agent.

Now that your tribe knows how awesome you are, they are never going to let you slip back into oblivion. Why? Because they want to celebrate with you! When one of us leaves #amquerying, it feels like a victory for us all. It restores our hope, and we get a healthy dose of the optimism of STAGE ONE, minus the crash and burn of STAGE TWO. 

Look, I have made strides in my querying process. I have grown creatively and personally. On any given day I could be in any of these stages, and I have accepted that. What I refuse to accept is defeat. I cannot stop. 

And I cannot let you stop either. 

So no matter what stage you are in, consider me a part of your tribe. Let’s kick ass together. 

When you finally find your dream agent, I promise to stop right in the middle of what ever stage I am an and do this,

Promise.

Solidarity. 

Love, 

Thea

#PitchWars Mentee Bio: Thea Monyee´

Here is what you should know about me and why we will make perfect #LEMONADE together!

Before finding this twitter space I was literally a floundering hot mess of a writer...

Then I found other hot messes who were really much better than they thought but just needed a little love and support...like me!

Since there are so many amazing mentors to chose from I decided to follow the lead of some of my fellow writers/mentee contenders (what’s up Audrey!) and tell you a little bit more about me.

First, I’m super west coast!

Which means that I love writing from where I live, Leimert Park, South Los Angeles, Crenshaw District. Yes, I am a very black woman, and I have love for my EAST COAST Fam!

Second, I go hard for Social Justice issues...because it’s 2016 and I’m over hate and ignorance.

Third, Beyonce.

Yes. My life is Lemonade. She literally sang my life..sooooo...I go hard for Bey.

I suppose it is also important to mention that I am a mom, wife, and a therapist, but most people who know my writing met me through HBO Def Poetry’s original Dust to Side Chicks spoken word anthem. 

Yup. That was me with a press and curl. 

But since then I have performed all over the country, appeared on television a few more times, dabbled in radio, self-published a collection of poems, “Murmurs of a MadWoman”, and finally pushed myself to pursue my real dream, writing novels.

Which brings us here!

My main writing influences are:

Current Reads

Favorite Films

It pains me to decide on specific films but here is a general overview:

Current Television Addictions:

Okay.... so this does not give you very much insight....or does it?

I am the very definition of eclectic. I DESPISE boxes so genres have always been hard for me. I read as much about the metaphysical and psychodynamics as I do fiction. I watch as many documentaries as I do superhero flicks. I have never been good at choosing just one thing, because...why should I?

And this is what I have come to accept as one of my greatest strengths! I work intuitively and connect things that seemingly should not be connected and suddenly...

Which also makes me a great mentee because NOTHING IS OFF THE TABLE and once things click I go into BEASTMODE! I cannot rest until I have completed the task!

The manuscript we would be working on together is a YA Spec perfect for #ownvoices mentors! Moles of Malaika is about the life and challenges that seventeen-year-old V faces living in an underground black village, secretly built beneath gentrified South Los Angeles. Did I mention it’s 2027 and a race revolution is underway days before her eighteenth birthday? 

So if you are looking for a mentee who is ready to get in FORMATION and CHANGE THE WORLD through storytelling ...

Until then my friends...

With LOVE, 

Thea Monyee´

Join me for my summer workshop! It is time to identify the toxic people and situations in your life and say “NO”!

Spaces are limited!

The latest piece from Thea Monyee!

Thea Monyee's latest feature on For Harriet! A realistic perspective on the relationship between black people and white culture.

One of my works featured by For Harriet. Thank you for making a safe space for our voices.

My Journey to Motherhood

By Mark Winkler © 2015

 D-day, February 26th. I learned that my well paying job was abruptly ending.  My first reaction was sharp fear.  I was a new husband with three daughters, one biological and two stepdaughters. My first thought was, How would I financially maintain my family? My second thought was , I must find another job…tomorrow.  I took the long road home that day.  I needed to be alone with my thoughts, and frankly, I dreaded telling my wife the news.  How would she react?  With fear, anger, and or resentment? Actually, none of the above happened; instead, she was calm. Too calm, I remember thinking. She said, “Okay, I guess it’s time for you to expand your 501c3 youth mentoring program and finally get that business idea off the ground.”  My first thought was confusion.  I did not respond immediately.  Was my wife, who normally reminds me that financial security is one of her biggest concerns, telling me not to go out and find the first compatible job that crosses my path?  She must have sensed my confusion. Her next words erased my confusion and set me on a journey that would change my life in ways that I could not foresee.  She said, “I believe in you and I trust that we as a family will be okay”.

 The next day we started to rearrange our life to accommodate this new circumstance. The first major decision was to let our after school daycare provider go. It was a very difficult decision because the provider was more like family then a hired service.  She had been caring for my wife’s children since they were very young and my daughter over the past two years.  Thankfully, she understood. The next decision was that I would become the new after school provider while developing my two businesses.  A simple enough adjustment, so I thought. What I did not bargain for was the enormous amount of energy that three young girls can exude.

My first few days with the girls were not all that bad.  I thought, Heck what’s the big deal, this is easy.  I can handle this.  My excitement level was increasing.  I would finally get to work on my two projects while spending quality time with my three lovely girls.  

 Reality check!

Around the start of the second week, I was feeling the full impact of this high energy level referenced above. “Daddy the girls won’t play with me; Mark (as my stepdaughters call me) Lexington is bothering us, again.  Daddy I am hungry. Daddy/Mark can we go outside and play.” This of course required me to be out there with them, and present in ways I had not previously considered.  These request seemed to intensify as the days continued.  Also, I forgot to mention, in addition to watching the children I was now responsible for preparing them afterschool snacks (this was not such a simple tasks because they all like to eat different things), cleaning the house, and occasionally cooking dinner! Now I know that to many of the women readers this may sound like an everyday walk in the park (or at least that’s what I thought it was for women). For me, expecting to perform all these duties, daily, was starting to seem like much more of a distractive burden. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my girls and I can and did cook, sometimes.  However, like most men I naturally leaned those “domestic” responsibilities towards my wife. Not necessarily because she was the better cook, (although she is), or a more efficient home keeper, I was just indoctrinated to believe that those household duties fell under her role. I felt this even when we both worked full time jobs.  My programmed response each night was, “Honey, what’s for dinner”?  However, circa the eighth night into my “sabbatical”, my wife chimed back, on her long trek home from work, “What is for dinner, honey”? I was not only watching the children, cleaning the house, now I was expected to cook dinner, more often. What was happening?  

 I began to feel uncomfortable in this new role.  Was I a self-employed businessman or a stay at home parent? Initially, my mind rejected the idea that I could successfully merge the two roles. My ego began to tell me that the parenting role was somehow an impediment to developing my businesses.  Like most “brave” men I decided to work this dilemma out myself. I did this in spite of the fact that my beautiful wife is a licensed psychotherapist, trained to help people out with such situations.  I worked it out by folding into my emotions, closing out my wife, and being increasingly curter with the children. Yeah, I handled it like a “real man”.  Surprise, this strategy did not work so well with my wife or the kids.

 Finally, I mustered the courage to talk to my wife.  I told her that I was feeling like I was losing direction and feeling less confident about parenting and developing my two businesses. She asked why. I tried to explain but I did not even make sense to myself. My wife said that it sounded like I was struggling with my new role as a stay home parent because of my long held beliefs that a man’s role was more a provider and less a nurturer.  That made sense to me.  I was feeling like my socially established and acceptable role was somehow being reversed or vanishing. She was right (again).  I was experiencing an internal struggle:  How could I become a “successful” independent businessman while taking my girls to volleyball practice, play dates, cleaning the house and cooking dinner? The two dynamics seemed like an oxymoron.  Over the next few weeks I wrestled with this dilemma, until I finally I had a major breakthrough; an epiphany of sorts.  

 I vividly recall the day. It was a Tuesday.  I remember this because the girl’s schools dismissed early on Tuesdays and they typically liked going to the park before heading home.  Most days, I admit, I did not take them.  I would redirect the conversation to them doing their homework first and playing on the front lawn afterwards.  Being at the park would prevent me from having immediate access to my workstation! But for some reason, I begrudgingly agreed and headed to the park on this day.  

 As the girls started to play, I received a call from my 501c3 business partner.  He needed to discuss our agenda for this coming Saturday’s life skills class. During our conversation, it hit me.  I can do this. There I stood in the middle of that playground watching the girls harmoniously play and discussing business without stressing or feeling “less” a man.  I found myself smiling and saying to myself, Perhaps I am becoming a good mom.  A good mom not because I was “born” to perform this role; but because I was now ready to accept this role with less hesitation, more resolve, and peace of mind. That night, I celebrated my new found motherhood with a wonderful sautéed Asian styled chicken dish.  Much to my pleasure, the girls and my wife told me they loved it.  

 To say that I am now totally comfortable in this new role would be less than honest.  Long held misbeliefs do not quietly disappear.  I do struggle from time to time.  However, I am much more inclined to process these feelings with my wife when they do occur, and I allow myself to embrace the belief that I can be happy and successful as both a full time parent and independent businessman.  

B-More

Validated communities do not have to set themselves on fire to be acknowledged. Neighborhoods with access to basic resources do not burn with pain. Citizens that benefit from the dehumanization of others are not murdered on camera. Civilians who are daily intimidated by the police sworn to protect them are tired of raising their hands and running. Eruptions...take...time. Someone must invest in them. Systems have to nourish them. You are shocked because you believe that you alone define violence. Our warning signs remain greeted by silence. That is, Until the boom.

Lessons Lost in Shades of Grey

When you inadvertently enter the erotic world of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey, it is damn near impossible not to lose your bearings amongst silver balls, neckties, and leather restraints.  Candidly speaking, E.L. James controls her readers with delicious sexual encounters every ten pages throughout the trilogy, as evidenced by her strong fan base of women over 30 and in desperate need of a decent spanking or two.  Reviews of the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy are riddled with comments about her technical writing skills, overuse of word choices, and declining plot as the books progress.  I have refrained from reading the books until the movie emerged, simply because I did not have the time to get lost in a book, as I tend to do.  But in a twist of fate I was gifted the trilogy for my birthday and finally surrendered to the 50 Shades craze.

As I dove head first into Christian Grey’s playroom, my fiancé asked me, “Why do you think so many women love this book?” Based on the criticism of the trilogy, it was a fair question. It wasn’t until I read the final sentence of 50 Shades Freed that I was able to share with him the lost lessons I found in Shades of Grey.

 Lesson One: We Want More.

50 Shades of Grey immediately introduces us to a seemingly innocent Anastasia Steele, virgin to all things kinky, but innately drawn to the King of Kink, Christian Grey. Grey offers her his playroom on a silver platter at the start of their relationship, complete with guarantees that she will be cared for financially.  If it were about the sex or the money, their story would have ended halfway through the first book, 50 Shades of Grey.  Instead, she asked for more than she was being offered, and he was challenged to give more, proving to himself and her that he was capable and deserving of more than a contractual arrangement. Isn’t this what women are asking for in their relationships? More. Perhaps we subconsciously admire Ana for demanding her more, and fall deeper in love with Christian as he stretches the boundaries of his world to give it to her.

 Lesson Two: Health Relationships include open-ended negotiations.

Although it was annoying at times to endure the internal dialogue between Ana’s “subconscious” and “inner goddess”, and torturous to watch Christian struggle with basic human contact, it was refreshing to watch a couple engage in open-ended negotiation as they work towards the goal of intimacy.  The early chapters of 50 Shades Darker reveal that these two have accepted that they cannot live without each other. The question remains: How do they live with each other? Darker is the process of defining the more.  Questions about hard limits versus soft limits are necessary in healthy relationships, and being able to provide feedback to an open-minded partner is essential to the establishment of more. As Ana and Christian proceed into the darker parts of themselves with the goal of learning how to love each other, they stumble over challenges such as lack of empathy, poor communication, and pride.  If you strip away the awesome sex toys, lavish lifestyle, and crazy exes (which may or may not be included in your relationship), you will find a normal couple creating intimacy through a process of breaking and rebuilding.  The question could arise: How do we know when we are building intimacy versus when we are enabling co-dependency? Both building intimacy and co-dependency share the perception of a “loss of self”, which makes it challenging for some people to differentiate between the two.  Here is the difference. Co-dependency takes away from the individual self, leaving a sense of lack or need. Building intimacy challenges one to evaluate and determine if parts of the self that are underdeveloped or damaged, due to trauma or lack of exposure, are preventing them from fully being expressed and fully embracing love.  In other words, building intimacy can hurt, but in the end, you grow; and co-dependency shrinks the self.  In the case of Ana and Christian, they grew individually with each book, and so did their love.

 Lesson Three: Being in Love does not mean bad things won’t happen.

As the plot thickens in 50 Shades Darker, we soon discover that love does not equal immunity to “drama”. From crazy exes, psycho ex-bosses, and ghosts of childhoods past, Ana and Christian are forced to face the realities of past choices and to create new boundaries with old relationships as they move towards the goal of true intimacy.  

 Newsflash! “Drama” is an inevitable part of the evolution of romantic relationships, and to expect a 100% drama/conflict free relationship is simply…delusional.  

 It’s life! Unpredictable, sometimes unfair, and ever-changing life! Without the drama, how would we ever learn to survive this life together? Moreover, how would we learn to enjoy this life together? Drama teaches us to appreciate each moment, seize opportunities for growth and deeper connections, and to negotiate those hard limits.  It reveals the truth about our relationships and offers us a path forward, or the choice to take the nearest off ramp. What we love about Ana and Christian is that the “drama” pushed them closer together, forcing them to decide what was most important to them: The past, pride, or love.

 Lesson Four: It’s Okay for Adults to Play.

From the moment Anastasia literally falls into Christian Grey’s life, the stage is set for an intense struggle between love, lust, and fear.  With all of the heavy-hearted discussions of child abuse, pain versus pleasure, and stalkers, Ana and Christian always make time to play with each other. Whether it is via flirtatious emails, a game of Catch Me If You Can through Christian’s breathtaking apartment, or a seductive wager where winner takes all, play alleviates the stress of the outside world while maintaining and deepening their connection to each other.

Imagine coming home after a long day at work and rather than zoning out in your own preoccupied world, you engage in a flirtatious game of strip poker with your significant other! Soon, the two of you will forget about the outside world and start enjoying the world you create together.

Our relationships should preserve the light-hearted, fun, playful, and loving parts of us that rarely get to surface in our adult lives. Play is not a symptom of childhood; it is a beautiful part of human connection and essential to the human experience.  Make space for play in your life. If not a playroom, try a toy chest! If not a toy chest, take turns planning a grown and sexy game night. Whatever you decide to do….have FUN!

Lesson Five: You deserve to be happy.

The biggest obstacle that Christian and Ana had to overcome to reach their goal of true intimacy was self-worth.  More than any other aspect of their love story, I believe readers everywhere identified with this struggle most of all. The truth is that the issue isn’t that most of us cannot find love; it is that we don’t believe we deserve it. Similarly to our beloved characters, we are confident in our ability to give love, but consumed with doubts about whether we will be able to “keep” the love of our significant other. It is not until the final chapters of 50 Shades Freed that Ana and Christian finally release themselves from this affliction, and embrace the love that has been available to them all along. This one act of release and acceptance plunges them into the life that they have been fighting for since they first met.

 Accepting the truth, I am worthy of love, and it is okay to be happy, is the most important decision one can make on the journey to intimacy. It clears the path to negotiating the more, turning drama into opportunities to grow, and the joy of play.  Christian Grey standing next to Charlie Tango in his playroom jeans, holding a glass of champagne and a Cartier charm bracelet is absolutely worthless, if you don’t believe you deserve what you are being offered.  The moment you give yourself permission to be happy is the moment the real fun begins.