My Life & My Art
Leanne listened to Angus’ words. He’s dead because of me. I wanted to be good. Her brow furrowed, her eyes moving from away from him as she dropped her hand from his arm. Licking her lips she shook her head slightly, causing her bangs to fall into her face more. “Angus - stop.”
Her voice was soft, like a mother telling her child to stop telling her all the bad things he had done that day of school. Clearing her throat lightly she hunched her shoulders, this was something that was bigger than Angus - than her. “Come with me.”
She didn’t wait for his agreement, instead this time softer, and if someone were looking they would think she hadn’t touched his arm at all. Leanne let him from the busy hospital hallway to the solitude she found in her office. “Sit down Angus,” she shut the door behind her and took off her own stethoscope. Setting it on the cold wood of her office desk. She couldn’t fight for him by herself, she needed her forces. Waiting for him to sit down on the couch she fell asleep on many nights she moved to the small fridge in her office. Opening it and grabbing a bottle of water she let it close.
Handing it to him she took to sitting on the coffee table positioned precisely in front of the couch. She let out a soft sigh as she leaned her elbows on her knees, her small hands threading together as she racked her mind of things to do. “I’m not going to say what you did was right, or wrong. But taking Adderall - Angus,” she prided herself in letting her students know that no matter what they could come to her. She may be the mean one, the one that is blunt, direct - but these kids who she was teaching - they were her kids.
“You should have come to me - before this got out of control.” She hoped he knew she was taking about the pill abuse. “As far what happened between you and Gordon, it happened…and I understand why. But this is something that you can’t keep between you and you alone. We have to go to the board.”
The quiet order felt like a bucket of cold water doused over his head. Mouth clamping shut, a shiver trailed up his spine. His shoulder twitched in response. Dr. Rorish used ‘Angus’ yet again. Not Dr. Leighton - Angus. Stripped of the title, Angus felt raw, vulnerable, green to worldly experience.
Another order. Had his life been reduced to one order after another? For now it seemed that way. It seemed right. Angst sure did not have his life in order. Maybe someone else should do it for now. He followed the order. He followed her. What choice did he have? The end of the road was in sight.
Walking the hallway, he stayed silent. His feet shuffled one after the other with each trudge forward. In his periphery, he noticed Jesse, Mike, and Mario watching the short procession. Mike knew. Had he now told Jesse or Mario? There it was, a third order. Numb, Angus plopped down. Every body part felt heavy. How had even been standing? It must have been muscle memory that kept him upright. She got him a water. Her watcher her do it. He didn’t deserve that, but Angus kept that to himself.
“I wanted to feel like I belonged here. It’s all I wanted. I….I never felt that way. I felt like an outsider. I felt like everyone judged me on how my brother had performed when he was a first year. I didn’t want to let anyone down,” he whispered. “And every time I walked in here I thought about what happened. I didn’t want to think about what happened. The pills made me not think about it.” He’d said those same things to Mike. They’d been true then and they were true now.
He nodded. “I know. I thought I had it under control and that I could control it,” Angus whispered, taking the bottle of water. He didn’t open it, but instead let the cold condensation cool his sweaty palms. “But I was wrong. I’ve ruined everything. My friendship with Mario. I pushed him away. I called him an addict, but he wasn’t the one taking 60 Adderall tablets a week. I was. It’s gone. My life is over. My career it’s ended before it even started. I’m sure as soon as the board finds out they’ll strip me of my job and license.”
