it feels good, tastes good, must be mine

made my biggest, brightest and most floral fuck ever. 

This is my thesis film!

come take a look wont you?

This was fun :)

so WHEN IS THE DATING SIM COMING OUT

spray bottle, bayonet attachment

disinfects and stabs the germs

The spray kills 99.99% of germs The bayonet kills the 0.01%

my top anecdotes that sound fake but aren’t:

i forgot the time i was supposed to take a eurostar train but they fucked up my ticket and when i complained they bumped me up to business class so i had like a full fancy cheese plate and half a bottle of wine for free and shared a compartment with the first female attorney general of australia and borrowed her cellphone to text my mom internationally

How

me: i can’t believe i finally got to look cool, literally the only thing that could ruin this great moment in this incredibly narrow hallway with no clear escape route would be an attack that could fill its entire space hanzo: greetings

Let’s go on an adventure.

this is beautiful

going through my microsoft word archives is great fun because i always find the wildest shit in there and by “the wildest shit” i mean the time i tried to rewrite the entire bible from scratch at the age of eleven and a half

“And so Adam and Eve were cast out of the Garden of Eden, and Eve turned to Adam and said, 'Nice going, loser.‘” 

iconic

whilst you were listening to avril lavigne, i learned the way of the Lord

twenty years ago there was a big to-do all about this new website called Ask Jeeves. back then, if you wanted to search the web, you used yahoo search, and back then, search indexing was SHIT

if you didn’t use the exact correct phrasing in your query, you didn’t find anything you wanted. and this was hard for humans to handle, because we’re used to asking questions, not parsing pieces of information into the most efficient phrases that will relate to larger banks of information

i was 8. i still read zoobooks. yahoo search was both dazzling and monumentally frustrating to me

so the thing about askjeeves.com was… you ask the search engine a question, and it uses algorithms to interpret your query to gather information, and respond to you in a human way. it was groundbreaking

two years later, google hit the web. i still remember being in the computer lab doing a research project and having a teacher tell me, “try this new search engine, its better than yahoo”

im telling you this because i know there are kids who were born into the age of Google… how good it got and how fast

because back then, search indexing still fucking SUCKED. back then there were people you knew who were “good at google” because you still needed to plug in the right words to find the right pages

today, i could reach into my pocket and pull out a device that both sees and hears me, and slur into the microphone “when was the sun born” and google will deliver me its age and all the theories and information surrounding the creation of our solar system

thats a lot of power to have. and when its that easy to get answers i want the comfort of knowing that you’re all taking the time to ask questions

This actually does work

Kids these days will never know the experience of asking Jeeves if he’s gay

I’d really love to be a skeleton at the bottom of the ocean with a treasure chest some day

what if someone takes the treasure chest and leaves you all alone

Its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all

Honestly when it gets to the part where Reyes starts commanding us with “Reyes here…” I imagine him just rolling in on an office chair with a mug of hot chocolate and a donut, bumper car booping morrison’s chair away and taking control of the mic.

I support this

I really want a science fiction story where aliens come to invade earth and effortlessly wipe out humanity, only to be fought off by the wildlife.

They were expecting military resistance. They weren’t counting on bears.

Imagine coming to a hostile alien world and being attacked by a horde of creatures that can weigh up to 3 tons, run at 30 km/h (19 mph), and bite with a force of 8,100 newtons (1,800 lbf).

By the time you realise that they can traverse water, it’s too late. The surviving members of your unit manage to make it back by shedding their excess gear and running for their lives; the slower ones were crushed to death within minutes.

You later describe the creature to one of the humans you captured, wanting to know the name of the monstrosity that will haunt your nightmares for cycles to come.

The human smiles as it speaks a single word, slowly and distinctly, in its barbaric tongue.

“Hippopotamus.”

This is giving me the biggest, creepiest grin I might have ever grinned 

Imagine being the next crew to go down to earth and thinking “it’s fine, we got this. We have the weapons and equipment necessary to deal with bears and *shudders* hippopotamuses. We’ll be fine.”

And at first you are, you’ve learned how to dodge. You’ve learned where their territories are. You know how to defend yourself.

But then one night you are sleeping in your shelter. You’re in a tree covered temperate part of earth. It seems benign. There are been no sightings of the dreaded “hippos” around. Not even any bears. But there is a slight rustle of the undergrowth. You try and ignore it telling yourself it is just the wind.

Then you hear the rustle again. closer this time.

You peer out into the darkness but see nothing amongst the trees.

The rustle again and now you realise you can smell something. It’s musky and slightly foul. It’s the smell of an omen, a warning. But what of? Where is this smell coming from.

You sit up, but it’s too late. The foul smelling creature is on you. You are hit with 17kg of coarse fur and vicious bites. Long dark claws tear in to you and you are pinned down white the striped creature tries to bite your throat.

It takes some doing but you manage to wrestle free. Blood drips from your wounds and already they itch with the sign of infection. The creature has a bloodied snout, rust rad, mingling with the black and white hairs. It lets out a terrifying growl from the back of its throat and looks to attack again. It’s between you and your knife, so your only choice is to back away.

Eventually the creature gives up and snuffles off in to the undergrowth, down a hole near your shelter you hadn’t noticed before.

When you make it back to your base you once again consult the captive human.

“Badger.” they say, with a solemn nod.

One word: Moose

“Our vehicles are far superior to the local human models, in range, speed, armament, and any other metric you care to name! Nothing could possibly-”

BAMrumblerumblethumpcrash!!!

“That’s called a moose.”

“We should be free of the threat of the ‘moose’ here on our new floating accommodation” *humans start sniggering* “… they can swim, can’t they” *humans start laughing louder* …. *mid-winter* ‘I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! K’T'SURKIK WENT OUTSIDE AND A MOUND OF SNOW ROSE UP AND ATE HIM’

“What is this ‘wolverine’ you speak of?”

Tell me the story of the unpleasantly surprised alien invaders and their captive human remnant, getting more smug the more the aliens fail at basic scouting…

I know we’re all talking the big smash-‘em-up type animals, but what about the little ones? Are aliens prepared for spiders? Mosquitoes? Fleas? Ticks? Even humans get sick or die from some of those, who knows what the fuck they’d do to an unprepared alien.

Nobody expects the mosquitoes

Radio: “We seem to have located a colony-based life form. Primary scans seem to indicate that their dwelling consists mainly of wax and a calorically high substance suitable for our consumption. Since food reserves are minimal due the nature of this mission, we’ve elected to attempt harvest. Requesting that alpha base interrogate the captives as to the nature of this find.”

Aliens: “What are they?”

Human: “Sounds like… Bees. maybe?”

Aliens: “Bees?”

Radio: *slightly panicked* “Alpha base, please report…”

Aliens: “The captives seem to recognize the life form as… What was it, again?”

Human: “Bees! :-)”

Alien: *With somewhat resolved tone* “…Bees.”

Radio: *Nothing but screaming and the word: “BEES!!!”*

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSS

War of the Worlds 2: The Eukaryotes Awaken

What sort of barbaric planet is this??

Unit: “We seem to have stumbled into a ‘desert’ area, but it also seems that there is vegetation in small patches. Advise.”

Alien: “Well, human?”

Human: “…Savannah, I think.”

Alien: “A ‘Savannah’, according to the human. Is there anything else?”

Unit: “There appears to be another feral creature, similar to the ‘house cat’. It is watching from afar. Our scan indicates that it is most likely male.”

Human: “Is it a cheetah? I think it’s a cheetah.”

Alien: “It is called a ‘cheetah’. Proceed with caution.”

Unit: “Wait, it’s moving towards us - it’s much faster than we thoUAAGH-” The radio then cuts out, shortly followed by faint screams denoting many more cheetahs attacking the unit in sudden and quick succession.

I keep reblogging this, and every installment is better than the last

Alfie had planned on spending his life aiding in marine animal conservation. A quiet life. When the aliens invaded America, well… he did nothing, because he was just an ordinary Irish citizen. When they came to Europe, well… It wasn’t ideal, but mostly they let the humans carry on with whatever they were doing that they didn’t understand. Marine zoology research was one of those things. Alfie stayed in his lab and kept working. For a few months.

Until a man in a long brown coat and black glasses somehow made his way to Alfie’s work station.

“Our information tells us your locating beacons are still online.”

That was a rather cold greeting, but whatever.

“Sure they are” said Alfie.

“I work for … a certain organization … we have intrests in your work.”

subtle, Alfie thought.

“The Aliens are setting out for Iceland in a few days. We have a…collegue… acting as a guide on board.”

“So?”

The strange man grinned

“I need access to the real-time coordiates of every orca pod in the northern Atlantic”

Alfie picked up a small device from his desk and threw it at the surprised man.

“Been making this in the last months, since, y’know, no government grants to tell me what I should be doing. You have access to data for orcas, whales, even some polar bears. Sea lions. That sort of stuff. Have fun.”

The look on the Resistance man’s face was well worth the effort he’d put into that device.

my friend: [needs comfort]

me: oh Dang what are the Comfort Words

me: *flipping through the manual* there there?

my friend: *cries harder*

me: oh No they were the wrong Comfort Words

2 types of friendship

or

@polarizedsam @her0isms

the important 3rd kind

some person: Why do you always play a mage or an archer?

Me: so i don’t have to chase the people I kill