what the frick frack my ass

today i learnt that king tutankhamun made sure that he had a condom with him in his next life. i never want to hear a dude say he didn’t have the time to be prepared or didn’t remember to buy condoms. if king tut had the common decency of making sure someone put a condom in his resting place alongside one of the biggest treasures ever so he could practice safe sex in the afterlife no present day dude has an excuse for not wearing condoms.

here it is

it’s made of animal intestine

and they know it was his because they found residue inside that they were able to DNA-match to him

yes, that kind of residue

My mans Tutankhamun was already busting a nut when Osiris was measuring his soul to go see his ol man Ra like imagine having such guts.

When will your fave ever?

King Nut

#CLOCKED

Rosemarie wasn’t ready

Rosemarie got dragged by Target.

Tragically, I did not die in my sleep last night

the sexiest thing abt me ? i love soup

anyway. here’s the top 5 grammatically unusual phrases containing the f-word that resonate with me the most currently

1. what’s so fuck then 2. what the hap is fuckening 3. Shut Your Fuck 4. fuck of 5. something’s fucky

as a gay, I have two moods

ok universe, i’m ready to feel good things. make me feel good things.

whenever i post this it works  reblog if u want to feel good things & the universe will bring u something sweet 

If you scroll pass this you don’t got ten dollars

Need my $10

Guys i literally just got tipped $10 at work

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral… _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

oh my god these are great

fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes

Prof on Friday: If you haven’t already started your paper, it probably won’t be very good

Me, Monday morning, 4.5 hours before it is due: you are like a little baby, watch this

how the human brain works:

electricity tickles the meat so that different slimes come out. sometimes the slime feels good sometimes bad. some people make more bad slime than good slime. that’s called clinical depression.

it’s midnight and this tweet is giving me a heart attack

idk how some people don’t swear, if i can’t say the fuck word every 15 minutes i just will explode

Instagays: Get access to my exclusive content on onlyfans 

Me:

*opens pill botttle*

*opens water bottle*

*pours some water out into my hand*

“Wait. No, that’s…no.”

costco - horny

ikea - sexy

target - mystical