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Not the Doctor

@aahschuuh

Mental sneezes, mini-rants and confessions from a childless female professional of middling years obsessed with books, movies, and all things nerdy. Served hot?  SURE!  Served fresh?  Meh... (call me Minerva)
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luciadelbray

im still super fuckin salty that 2 of my instructors for my psych degree specifically mentioned not wearing makeup and feminine clothes as a sign of “deteriorating mental health.” specifically, that if a woman walks into your practice, and you’ve never seen her before, and she’s not wearing makeup or dressing up or shaving, then she’s going to be a “difficult case” and when she starts to do these things it’s a sign that therapy is progressing well.

especially since when i was at Rock Fucking Bottom ™ i was over-performing femininity as a) a way to dissociate from myself, my trauma, and the dysphoria i was experiencing and b) a last-ditch effort to get Approval, Validation, and Attention when i felt like i was unattractive and worthless. don’t let anyone tell you that “psychology used to have a misogyny problem and issues with pathologizing gender nonconformity, but it’s solved now because more women than men are earning psych degrees!!” because the problems are still very much there, they just change forms every couple of decades.

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Maybe the depression that often goes hand-in-hand with knuckle-scraping, sell- l-your-most-beloved-possessions poverty is your brain's way of keeping you in bed so you can't spend money.

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I've become THAT feminazi.

Watching a video about leaked Justice League plot, went on a 2 minute soliloquy about Wonder Woman's bad ass not having time for some bullshit emotional labor on behalf of Cyborg because he has trust issues and the other boys on the team are too god damn manly and stunted to do anything but be awkward when she's a motherfucking demi goddess trying to do some more important shit. My poor husband.

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Allies in love's war

Have you ever been on the receiving end of a girlfriend's FULL POWER put toward your romantic goals? Has another woman shown you how lovely it feels to enter love's battlefield with a motherfucking VANGAURD of estrogen-fueled support, camaraderie, and brain power?

It feels amazing and you deserve it just like any other chick who yearned and pined before you! I can't think of any man in my life that I think is a stronger or bigger source of support and courage than the three fucking super hero women who are in my inner-sanctum. (This is *not* a man-hating thing, either.)

No one knows whether the battle will be a win in the end, but you never really lose because no matter what, at the end of the day you DID forge a loving relationship, even if it wasn't the one you were working on. And men think THEY came up with the idea of having a 'wingman'. HA! ThemThe boys don't know shit about what a wingman could really be. Chicks are so rad.

We are full of magic and fearsome and sublime. Men are phenomenal in their own way... but women. WOMEN, man... we get to be HIGHER BEINGS if we want to.

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I know a secret

Abigail Tucker recently wrote in the NY Times about the true nature of cats. They're the only animal to self-domesticate, and they aren't a receptacle for cute aggression, but fearsome and sublime, like a mafia don, or the ocean. Fearsome. Sublime. Those two words resonated in me. My thoughts seemed to laser-focus on them, and I told myself: someday. Someday, someone would use those words to describe me. In tandem. Because together, they paint a glorious picture. It was some time before I realised it. The secret floated up to the tippy top of my consciousness and crashed over me like the most peaceful tidal wave. I am fearsome. I am sublime. The resonating and focus were symptoms, side effects. Both were due to a bone-deep recognition of the true self that steels my spine, that directs the swing of my hips, that protects what is mine, offers a shelter of love, filters reality with a just sense... and the true self inside of me that will not be mastered. Now you know my secret. It may be that no one else ever describes me as fearsome, or sublime. In fact, the true measure of who I am may remain passed over, with nary a glimpse seen by others. But I know. I've seen it. I've felt it coursing through my veins. And even if I forget sometimes... I am fearsome and sublime. Like a mafia don. The ocean.

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The Buffy Conundrum

Sooo, I'm trying to wrap my head around this Buffy thing... If vampires are just demons accessing the dead victim's thoughts and memories, and They've stated over and over again that the person you knew is gone, and only a demon remains (when you're 'turned'), then Why would Angel have to earn redemption, and why did he go to a hell dimension, when he (briefly) died, as penance for all those he killed. Why would someone have to atone for a demon's actions? And the whole Spike loves Buffy storyline! How can a demon love enough to actually desire 'his' soul back? Especially when the show has made it clear that it's demon OR soul: both don't exist in one body. So wouldn't the demon be aware of this and *not* want a soul - at all costs? Not trying to be sassy, actually just hoping someone will fill this plot hole for me!

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