Artsy Cat Lady

One of the people I worked with at the sex shop was a lady in her early forties. She had the most deranged sex stories and to be honest I could never tell how much was real.

I think probably all of it was true? But when someone tells you that a man showed up at her door with a sheet cake he wanted her to sit on so he could eat it off her ass it’s fair to be somewhat skeptical.

Aaaanyway. She hooked up a lot and ended up on a casual date with this guy. She was really stoked to be wearing a button up shirt with snaps, so later when they got to his place she could rip the shirt open like in the movies.

Now, it's worth noting she was a bigger gal, and her cleavage could have suffocated a grown man, it was substantial. There was a lot of boob real estate, okay?

So they get back to his place, and she finally gets to have her moment. She rips her shirt open dramatically, displaying the wealth of her cleavage. At first her dates face was excited and delighted. But as his eyes trailed down he began to slowly frown, which I think we can all agree is not what anyone wants when you've just laid yourself bare in a literal fashion.

She looked down to check herself, and there, nestled like a little baby bird in a nest of boob, was a single dorito.

When she told me this story she admitted, "I knew I had a choice. I could get laid, or I could eat the chip."

She ate the chip.

Her date looked repulsed, but she wanted to take one last crack at riding that man, so she did jazz hands and sang in a silly vaudevillian accent, "🎶You should probably put yer meat in me! You should probably put yer meat in me!🎶"

He drove her home shortly afterward, the coward.

I completely believe the cake story. Doesn't anyone else remember "cake farts"?

emperor palpatine is so fucking cringe dude he doesn’t even have a court jester

besides vader

how could you leave this in the tags

"i cant watch shows about fantasy kingdoms without thinking about how they should be abolishing the monarchy" that my friend sounds like a skill issue

if im watching the lord of the rings extended edition i am a monarchist for 682 minutes

everyone be quiet i'm manifesting

current mood

This is my cat, Pigeon...

this is my cat, Pigeon :)

This is my cat, Pigeon 🤷‍♀️

Beautiful pigeons, everybody. Particularly enchanted by the last one, who appears to be some sort of nun.

A windy day with a moderate temperature will make you feel like you got reborn into a world that really loves you this time

English added by me :)

in case it’s unclear: her eel-like writhing propelled her off the chair in the last pic (imagine a soft THUNK)

goblin mosh pit

Tired cat father Rex means so much to me you don’t even know

I was typing an entire post about food issues and why I don't like wet food, until I remembered that unlike in Dutch, 'wet food' has a specific meaning in English. Just straight up deleted everything bc all I could see myself as was

you will probably not look like a skinny white anime girl when you transition you will likely look like someone's mom and you need to realize how swag this is

I saw a picture of my mom last week and did a double take because we both realized how similar we look. skinny white anime girls are not real women but your mom is. I promise you look like a real woman

Shoutouts to the funniest possible tags on this post

Large man character who knows like 129 ways to kill someone with his bare hands: *is good with kids*

Me, every time, without fail: ohh my god the large man character who knows like 129 ways to kill someone with his bare hands is good with kids.........

Truly fucking wild that you can say killing civilians is wrong and suddenly tons of people will emerge from nowhere to go "HAMAS IS EVIL!" like OK??? Literally no one is arguing Hamas is good??? NOTHING Hamas does justifies killing tens of thousands of innocent men, women, and children. NOTHING. If you think Hamas killing Israeli's = bad, but dont' think Israel killing Palestinians = bad, then you're really fucked up. I'm sorry.

You can't honestly come at me some from moral high ground if your beginning stance is that Palestinian lives don't matter. It's hypocrisy. It's morally repugnant. It's not true. If you think every single child (or even just Palestinian adult civilian) killed is a justified or necessary victory over Hamas then you're a monster who does not see Palestinians as people and holy shit is that one of the worst and amoral stances you can take in this world. If you're not condemning the IDF for blocking relief aid, or destroying hospitals, or forcing refugees into a confined area and shooting at them, then your worldview is HORRIFIC. What the FUCK???

Every time I get hate in my inbox or in the comments from people criticising me for saying that "killing people is bad" it's 100% from people who want to modify that statement and add "except if it's Palestinians, because I don't think they count." to the end. Let's make that clear. That's what you're saying. It's fucked. Get fucked. Don't message me. Don't reply to me. I will block you all. I will not listen to a single word of you spewing dehumanising and cruel nonsense at me about how little you give a shit about the value of a human life. It's predictable. It's sad. I don't want to hear it. If you don't think Palestinians deserve to die - then great! I don't think everyone thinks that way! But it's clear that many people do!

Now watch as people get baited by this, ignore the very clear message, and prove me right as they say the most bigoted and awful shit you've seen this century. They can't help it. I am not preaching to rational people who understand the hypocrisy of what they say - I'm venting a frustration that the rest of us share.