hewwo! i only just saw this, coincidentally after purging anything& everything related to polygon / nick / pre-august 2017 mcelroys from my main blog’s drafts in a bout of unwanted and unexpected nostalgia. so this couldn’t have been timed better, i suppose

even though i feel like i’ve mostly moved on from All of this (and god do i want to believe i’ve moved on because i DON’T want anything to do with this fandom anymore) there’s still times when i find myself missing different aspects of this community? it was a nice ship. i hadn’t really been a part of something since BEFORE the beginning. i spent so long waiting for this ship to come together, and it finally happened, and it was glorious, and then it became the most soul-crushing and disheartening experience… that unfortunately defined the better part of my entire year. i quit my job, skipped a year of school, lost touch with friends and stopped taking care of myself because of what he did, and that’s so.. embarrassing and pathetic to say but it’s true. last fall wasn’t great for me, and it’s not JUST because nick turned out to be a scummy human. i guess part of it is because of so much more of what it represented– things i’m still learning in disappointing and upsetting ways. people aren’t who you think they are. people you love, idolize, and respect can let you down painfully and intimately. my judgement is flawed, by my own emotions no less, and i know i shouldn’t put people on a pedestal, but i do anyways, because having someone to draw parts of my own personality from validates the person i am (and want to be). being a public figure (something i aspire to be) involves an amount of risk and thick skin, and no one is perfect but some things are inexcusable, and shitty apologies that snowball into cringy behavior a year later is a good sign they aren’t someone i should waste my time with.

this turned into a weird, personal rant but there’s been a lot on my main lately. in any case, i really do miss the friends i made in shipboys (and if anyone wants to reconnect ever, just being a part of that community is good enough for me. we were some ride-or-die motherfuckers). knowing that people still can derive joy from the silly content i made honestly makes the entire thing worth it, so thank you very much for the message. i’m glad you’re hanging in there :’‘3

i ssaw this sooooo late but i can’t sleep so why not get into it LMAO

i think everyone did, to some extent? like that’s the biggest thing about rpf i guess. the characterizations for nick n griff that everyone shipped were like.. pretty far removed from any Real Human and i think that was the general consensus. which is part of what’s made it hard for me to reconcile the fallout with everything that’s happened. i still have so many conflicting feelings cus i miss the community, i miss the content, and i waited so long SO VERY VERY LONG for this ship to finally happen, i was on this train since this time last year and watching everyone come together.. it was magical, and so much fun, and uhh i miss it. and like all that aside i still get upset all the dam time cus of how much i want their video series’ and podcasts back in my life. i havent been able to enjoy any po/ygon stuff for the past two months which sucks! hate that it had to happen this way and i have so many regrets

i still go back and reread old fic and look at the art probably more than i should cus im a crybaby who cant move on.. idk….. its ruff cus i hate nick but im mostly angry at myself cus my anger is so self absorbed and it’s frustrating to realize that i hate him for getting rid of all the content that i loved for so long. mm it’s still a lot of confusing thoughts and it’s no fun at all! but what can you do. for what it’s worth i had a good time and i’m so proud to be a part of it haha

anyways i don’t even know if anyone else is still hung up over this i’m P Sure it’s just me being gross by myself.. but i’m here if anyone does need to talk about it, God Do I Feel The Same. i suck so much at responding to messages but it’s been a hard thing and i get that :

i rly feel like i didnt appreciate it as much as i could

part of it was cus i had too much internal anxiety about interacting with ppl and thinking my content wasnt good enough to share and it held me back from participating to the lengths i wanted to. i was always too shy and too scared to post and now i guess i never can.

it was a good community n something i was proud to have been a part of starting. and seeing it die has been . . difficult