Y'all have,,, NO idea how much I want a pizza rn. It is taking all of my willpower to save my money and not order one this instant to celebrate getting stuff done today

late-stage capitalism is i want pizza but congress won’t buy me one

wait I haven’t tried

I’m gonna call my congressman and see

Hmm… Ted Cruz isn’t answering. Still a coward, I see,

I’m gonna ask my governor now and tell him Cruz said it was out of his jurisdiction so he’ll feel all important. dude sued the city and is richer than god he can afford a pizza

HDGJDFHGJ SOMEONE PICKED UP,,, this is how it went:

Me: Hello, I would like to request an audience with Governor Abbott

Secretary: I’m sorry. I can relay a message and have him get back to you in a call or email.

Me: Okay, thanks! Due to some recent changes and current economic disparity in Texas, I’ve calculated that Gov. Abbott makes enough a year to buy over 10,000 pizzas, for example. As a display of his claims to make efforts towards rebuilding the middle class, all I ask is that he buy me one single pizza. 

Secretary: *incredulous laugh/scoff noise*

Me: That’s less than 0.0001% of his salary, not even taking his enormous wealth into consideration, and will affect my voting decision next election cycle. My paypal is https://www.paypal.me/quinintheclouds 

Secretary: …I’ll let him know.

Secretary: *Hangs up*

None of them bought me a pizza. Guess you could say they crust my dreams :((

pLOT TWIST THE SECRETARY SENT ME $15 FOR MAKING HER LAUGH AND CAUSE SHE HATES WORKING THERE,,, THE SUBJECT LINE SAID POLITICAL PIZZA

ARE WE FUCKING SERIOUS

Yes, this is real.

Not to sound fucking alarmist, but uhhhhhh if Trump forcing immigrants to wear yellow insignias wasn’t enough of an alarm bells for you, maybe this is.

2 (very different) cats of mine (Source: https://ift.tt/2O843rx)

Me, trying to find ways to connect my favorite song’s lyrics to whatever characters I’m currently obsessed with:

*releases pack of dads into home depot* go……be free

invasive species encroach on lesbian territory

This is a common misconception because they’re such similar environments, but you should be aware that dads are native to Home Depot, while lesbians are actually native to Lowe’s. At this point, however, both dads and lesbians have made themselves at home in both Home Depot and Lowe’s to the point that trying to separate them back into their original ranges would probably do more harm than good to the delicate ecosystem of large chain hardware stores.

this gave me a stroke I can’t stop laughing

Definitely unmute!

Ezra Miller has officially confirmed he’s gender-fluid and is happy with any pronouns but goes mostly by he/him. Please update your directories accordingly :)

Ezra confirming he’s genderfluid is great, but it’s also the absolute most minor detail in this wild article

Please read this entire thing about how Ezra Miller is basically Ronan Lynch in Vermont and how he’s delivering goat babies

I need to buy an issue of this

[John Mulaney voice] You’re gonna close with genderfluid?? That is not the most dramatic thing that you just said.

k cool guess im an era miller stan now

multiclassing as High King

The Phantom of the Opera, starring

LAIRD MACKINTOSH as THE PHANTOM

LAIRD MACKINTOSH as RAOUL, VICOMTE DE CHAGNY

and LAIRD MACKINTOSH as MONSIEUR ANDRE

with special guest

LAIRD MACKINTOSH as CHRISTINE DAAE

Me: Maybe I should romance someone else this time

Reyes: You look like you’re waiting for someone

Me:

friend: why are men like this 

me: *pulls PDFs out of nowhere* you see when the agricultural revolution started 

My brain, at 6 AM on a Monday: I wonder if you can order those little soy sauce fish shaped bottles in bulk, except without soy sauce in them. You should spend 30 minutes trying to find them instead of sleeping.

Must… resist…

Cons: Waste of money, waste of time, stupid, pointless, unnecessary, foolish.

Pros: Hrrrruuugruhruh, little plastic fishies…

I’ve lost control of my life.

Update:

Feesh…