And now the numbness wanes, and emotion washes over me 

I’ve noticed how often I daydream and think of what could’ve been

Of those wonderful nights I spent with the people I loved

Remembering with a rose-tinted filter the highs,

And letting the lows fade away into obscurity. 

I know I should feel more, and yet I feel too much

How madly was I in love, that seeing them still makes my heart skip a beat?

My patience with myself runs thin, as I reel in the romantic and let the realist fly

But when I look with the realist, all I can think about is how badly I want things to be different

Of how much I want what could’ve been.

Because I realize it wasn’t your love, but rather, my overwhelming sense of love for you

That allowed me to trick myself into believing you loved me

And now I see it, not only in the people around me, but in me too

Or maybe I never really loved you;

I was just in love with the idea of loving someone

Because in those daydreams, I’m always wanted, always cared about, always valued

And in the end, maybe you were a means for me to feel something other than numb

Oh darlin’, I know it’s hard to love

I know that things aren’t like they used to be, and that it’s so easy for you to be hurt

After all, it seems like your view of love has been corrupted through layers and layers of complication

Years of being taught things that aren’t true

of having other people push their view of love on you

of how love was intertwined with and defined by abuse. 

You go at your own pace; the way you feel is okay

Because that’s all we can really do, is acknowledge our own emotions, and to try to make the best of it

And the best of it doesn’t mean what’s best for you; after all, loving is about wanting what’s best for the person you love

But you’ll come out the other side stronger, and better. I promise that. 

Don’t try to force it. Love the people you choose to love; and most of all, love yourself. 

Music and the cool breeze of the summer night holds your hand

In place of a friend, of family, or of a lover

How sweet the night; how bitter the feeling

The people you’ve chased and the people you’ve been with and the ones you can’t stop thinking about are living their lives, babe, and it’s time you start yours. 

Feeling bad for yourself is okay in moderation. But don’t glorify it like you used to, we all know how that song and dance goes

Hold yourself for me. Because every moment we have is a gift that we walk and share together; with ourselves, with each other. 

Let the music build and roar, and let yourself be taken by the breeze

Because this moment is all that you’re guaranteed

Ah, how introspection and self-awareness can strip away the arrogance

The belief that, somehow, you could be the solution; the end-all be-all to the problems of the people around you

I don’t think it was your fault... You just wanted the people around you to be happy. 

But, after so long, didn’t you realize you weren’t? 

That, maybe, even their unhappiness was infecting you? 

You tried hard, made an effort to be the glue

But, it was like a bandaid on a gunshot wound

The effort was there, but the fact was, it just isn’t enough. And it never could be. 

You need to take responsibility for yourself first, hon. 

Or else it’ll destroy you and any chance for happiness, just like the people around you. 

The worst part about going through awful times for me is the constant emotional management I have to do to keep myself looking okay on the outside. The upkeep of trying to maintain a normal life and dealing with situations that aren't just sad and unnormal, but slowly wearing you down over time is almost as hard as the situation itself. I'm simultaneously aware of how badly I need to talk it out, whether to a therapist or otherwise, and of how inaccessible that feels to me.

Because, how am I supposed to put that on someone? Is it the right thing to do? Would telling them that for the past 4 weeks all I've thought about is suicide and hurting myself amidst the chaos of the situation I'm in, the best course of action? Would it even help?

I'm unsure, which is why I'm writing it here. Today was really bad, mentally and situationally. I've been so desperate to get through it that I didn't realize how quickly I was spiraling. I just don't know what to do anymore. There is no right course of action, and I'm so wracked with emotion that I become paralyzed with indecision. The things I enjoy and think about feel trivial compared to the things that are being shoved in my face and mind constantly, whether by myself or from the outside, and it's killing me slowly. All I have left is the hope that the future will be better, and I *know* it will be better. But it feels further away than ever.

Just hold off for one more day love

Crack of a whip, ringing in your ears

Why am I your biggest fear

A little while longer love

Shaking like an abused pet

Hey, take another hit? Bet

Keep moving forward.

Crumbling mind, crumbling kind

The end of the line. 

How quickly it all happened...

Oh, how easy something can change

How something so sacred can become so desecrated

How something that felt fated became so wasted

The cold breeze on your skin grates

As you await the final gate

“Why such a horrible taste in dates?

Oh, them? I’ll give up on it soon, there’s a lot on my plate

And it feels good to sedate the pain with a loving touch 

So keep it going, dump the clutch

For once, let someone else be the crutch

Everything has become bizarre

My brain takes passes at myself in a spar

I’ve convinced myself I’m seeing stars

I can’t believe I haven’t done it yet so far!

Whoops, spoke too soon; may as well celebrate with a cigar. 

It’s been a while since I’ve seen you

Last time was when the leaves were fresh and new.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt you,

Searching for it in my own eyes in the mirror.

Searching and sifting through my emotions

To find the one that stands out and defines me in this moment

And again and again, all my brain puts up

Dread, anxiety, frustration, ‘sup?

I look past them.

And usually, I’ll find what I’m looking for.

But sometimes I feel condemned

And I’m so incredibly terrified

when the person in the mirror

feels like a hollow shell. 

Y’know, it’s not all that bad really.

Like today. I sat in a car with a boy. We went grocery shopping together; bantering on about one thing or the other, laughing and brushing by each other as we’d stride between the aisles in search of the next elusive item. He let me buy him some food for later, and as we walked outside the weather was beautiful.

I sat next to him in the car outside his place. We laughed and told stupid stories of roommates and food and pets. He ran his hands over mine as he complained about things and I listened; we all have a lot to complain about right now anyways. I nodded along and chimed in whenever I needed to. His eyes were captivating and I was glad he could vent about all the stupid shit going on. I thought about the melting ice cream in the trunk as I eyed the clock moving forward and the rays of sunshine changed position, but I didn’t stop him. I  wanted this moment to last. I wasn’t ready to go back. 

It ended eventually, of course. A soft hug and a quick kiss goodbye, and it was over. He walked inside; I drove off. My headache raged as I thought about all the homework, and what to do for dinner or whether to eat at all, about having to deal with everything. Other, worse things too.

It was nice while it lasted. 

Outside is magical.

The chirping of birds and wind chimes clattering in the wind,

The feel of a cool breeze on my hair and through my skin,

The escape from my own mind as it rends.

The thoughts of death and self harm are back with this quarantine,

At first brushing up coyly, and now, begging to be seen

I lost a lot of my support system, and those whom on I used to lean...

But at least the calm sky and trees bring it all back to me.

But oh, how I wish, this was over.

Forgive, and...

Everyday I ask for forgiveness of myself.

I know what my mind believes about myself. I know it isn’t rational. 

Everyday, I rationally look at myself and I love myself. I can see my eyes, my hair, the softness in my smile. I can feel the beauty of my own mind and its process, the wonderful ideas and creativity I have. I love myself for my interests, the way I act, who I am. 

And everyday I fight back against the irrational thoughts. The point blank, out of nowhere thoughts of hate at myself. For my body, for my sadness, for the person I am. Often times there’s no target in myself; its just at myself. 

And everyday, I ask for forgiveness. I say, I’m sorry I think like this. I’m trying to change it, but it’s hard. I’ve only ever thought like this. It’s part of why my average emotions are so drastically different, though I hide it well. 

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. For the scars I made. For the things I’ve done, the ways I’ve made it hurt. The ways I’ve twisted simple pleasures into self harm in a desperate attempt to feel okay.

Despite everything, I’m doing better now than ever. All I have to do is keep it up.

All I have to do is love myself as strongly as I love others.

Some days, I just can't stop the feelings.

Those memories of how cold steel brings warmth, brings freedom, brings adrenaline

Of how a roaring engine brought knee jerk reactions, danger, and by god, happiness

Of how if I just control what stays inside me, I can control how I look...

Today was one of those days.

I cried a lot between reading for my classes. Between the little things, really. Between making meals and playing with the cat, I'd sit and wonder about those things I used to do, and about how badly I want them again.

My eyes feel full, still.

God, what I'd give to feel loved right now.

I daydream a lot. It’s always something different. I have to have something in my hands, it helps me get lost in it as I run my fingers over it. 

When I was a child, it was of video games, of flying a plane, of racing around the track, of dreams. 

But now, I often think of how to help and care about the people close to me. I can’t help it. It just comes up. I think of people’s smiles or passionate eyes. I think of people laughing uncontrollably, or what they might be up to. I always imagine them happy. Because it’s a dream; it’s what I want to see. 

I think of you often. Between moments of class, or work, or of anything, really. Little seconds of mystifying thoughts that show me what I want most... to see you. To hold you, to be with you. I see your many faces, your hair gently float in the wind, the light of a sunset illuminating your face. 

Eventually, I get snapped out by a sharp sensation, and I’m back in reality again.

But, oh what I treasure, those moments. 

Oh god, my love!

I see the beautiful blue of the late day sky, and I feel like I’m looking into your eyes again

I feel the warmth of a heavy jacket around me, and I feel your embrace that you gave me 

I see the stars glitter and twinkle in the late night sky, and I remember the last time we saw it together

I feel the shakes come over me, and I remember the last time you helped hold me together

I see your smile in other people sometimes, and your eyes too

I know I yearn too much, my love...

But I very often think of you. 

Just the other day

Talking with my friends just the other day

When I heard one of them happily say

"You really do look good, dude, and you're fun to be around. I wish I was you."

And all I could think

Was how close to the brink

I'd been just the other day.

How I looked in the mirror with hatred

How I held the knife and felt it was fated,

How I would sit and wrack my brain for ages

And wrote pages after pages.

Oh, how they wished to be *me!*

Do they want to be wracked with anxiety?

I assume they are too, though

I just do a great job of faking it, so...

I just put my love into others

And a little bit for myself, every now and again when I repent

We aren't really that different.

(wrote this at the beginning of December, but just now posting it)

I've gotten better this past year. In truth, I think I'm doing better than ever before.

But that doesn't mean it stops hurting. I have relapses once in a while, maybe like once a month - and god are they shit. I guess the good makes the bad feel worse.

I still go back to bad habits. I still hurt myself in different ways - some old and some new. Trying to get rid of the sad part of me entirely was a mistake though. It'll always be there, and I can't deny it, but I shouldn't embrace it either. Just coexist.

I really crave affirmation and validation, and it's so hard to give it to myself. Even now that I do, it didn't fill that void I thought it would. I thought loving myself would replace my want for romantic love, and god was I wrong. I don't even really love myself that much more, but I make the effort.

And I suppose that's what matters. I'm trying, and it's a process.

Tw: Self harm/general negativity

Don’t you know, hon? Hurting yourself is the new thing.

Knives, then risky driving, on to hookups, on to smoking, who knows what’s next...

It’s been a while since the feelings have hit this hard, and all I can goddamn think about is how bad I want to do it.

What gets me is this; it’s a lose lose. I wallow in emotion, or my coping mechanism make things worse, and I end up hating it and myself either way.

How can I tell my friends about the scars? How can I explain it when they find me at 4am on the porch smoking? How can I possibly tell someone who’s never experienced it how fucking badly it hurts? They chastise me and give me shit for it because they love the whole “tough love” thing. It is so, so easy to point out that it’s a bad thing to do and to laugh jokingly about it and try to shame me into not doing it. God, yknow I never knew that smoking is bad for me huh???? You think I fucking enjoy it? Do you think I cut for fucking fun? When they do that, all I can think about is how little sympathy they have for someone who’s supposed to be their friend, and all they can do is make a passive aggressive comment about a bad habit. Grow the fuck up. 

Every day I push on. I help my other friends who go through it to; I be the mom. I be strong for them, because god knows I hate to see other people have to deal with it. But when it comes to myself, I can’t even get the energy up to fight it anymore. I can tell when it’s coming, and I fucking dread it. It’s an endless cycle that I want to end beyond anything else. God, what I would give for it to end!

It’s amazing how many thoughts swirl around my head that I know aren’t true. Like, how I think that no one could possibly love me, they’re just saying that because maybe I said it first, or maybe they’re just lonely and I’m the best they can do for now, or maybe they’re desperate, because obviously I’m not lovable, look at how broken I am, how clingy I can be sometimes, how ugly and fat and....

When I feel fine of course I don’t think like that. It’s there, but not constantly. Not nearly as heavy as it is now. 

Counseling, Therapy, Medication, god knows I’ve tried a lot. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ll be fine for a week but the relapse just hits so hard and I have to use all my energy not to give in. 

I’m really, really tired of it. Of a lot of things. Goddamnit, I’m so much stronger now than before, but right now I feel like the weakest person on the planet.