this is such a weird way of phrasing “Millenials go hungry because of financial crisis we caused”

“Why then do they not eat cake?”

My roomba is scared of thunderstorms

I was sitting at my desk just a few minutes ago, drawing, and a really loud crack of thunder went off–no power surges or anything, just thunder–and my roomba fled from its dock and started spinning in circles

I currently now have an active roomba sitting quietly on my lap

Humans will pack bond with anything. 

I had a teenage girl come into my tea shop with her mother the other night. She purposely grabbed a teamaker in the most crunched-up looking box on the shelf (got banged around in shipment) and carried it protectively over to the counter. “If something’s in a damaged box I have to get it because I’m afraid no one else will love it,” she laughed nervously.

Not only will humans pack bond with anything, the empathy level of adolescent girls in particular likely has puppy-saving, world hunger-solving, war-ending powers.

I once saw a really bumpy lime at the grocery store, just a real ugly fruit. Later that night my boyfriend & I were driving home from rehearsal at like 11:30pm & passed the grocery store & I stared crying & he said “is it that lime? Do you want to go back and get it?” And I nodded and pulled the car around and bought the lime.

I saw this post once but IT GOT EVEN BETTER

this is god

YES

0

hey what if someone invented a machine that allowed women to transfer their pregnancies to men and then the government passed a law that if a woman didn’t want to have a baby the biological father was required to carry it how fast do you think birth control would stop being an issue

BEST NIGHTBLOG POST EVER

“IT’S UNETHICAL TO FORCE PEOPLE TO CARRY A BABY!!!!” MEN SHOUT

“NO FUCKING SHIT!!!!” WOMEN REPLY

my fiancé: honey i don’t think this is a good location for a wedding…

me, staring at the abandoned waffle house that was used as a brothel in the 1890s that emits an eerie glow and once had a murder happen inside it and is located precisely 7 miles away from area 51: i think it’s perfect

if you’re reading this, it’s too late

I already sent good vibes your way… they’re coming. there’s nothing you can do to stop them

This is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up.

When a customer says some Weird Shit in the middle of check-out,

Okay, so very recently, I was cashiering for Publix, and it was late at night, and I actually didn’t wanna be there, go figure. So this woman walks up, buying about 15-20 items, which is a pretty clean run for me, so I’m scanning her groceries, and we carry a small conversation.

During this conversation, she asks me if I’m in school, and I say yes. I tell her about how exams went, as they were near that period, and told her I had a Biology exam that was over genetics. And she looks me straight in the eyes, with seriousness of a heart attack being read in every wrinkle of her white soccer mom face, and says: “Oh, I’m a Christian, I don’t believe in genetics.”

Flabbergasted. My eyes do that spinny rainbow thing that Apple computers do when theyre buffering. A second goes by. I’ve gone through all stages of grief at this point, but haven’t reached acceptance. I have to say something, I have to say SOMETHING. If I just stare at her through this, she’ll know I think she’s fucking dumb and she might get angry, and I don’t need that. Two seconds have gone by. I have stopped scanning groceries at this point, and am just being violently shot back and forth between two sections of the galaxy. I can feel my body taking leave of my soul. Three seconds. I have to say something. 

“Anyway, I did well on my accounting exam, so that’s something. Do you have any coupons?”

*September arrives*

me: *puts on layered clothes, boots, and a scarf*

someone: it’s like 90 degrees outside–

me: it’s fall

Unpopular opinion: time is linear

I’m no expert but I’m almost certain that’s the most popular opinion

Don’t embarrass me on this fucking website there are girls on here

Pizza Planet Truck

“Are you a Mr. or a Ms.?”

“Dr.”

“But are you a man or a woman?”

“I’m a scientist.”

“No, what’s in your pants?”

“Physics.”

things toddlers and i have in common

- need naps - will scream ‘dog’ when there’s a dog - cry too much - screaming - ???? - need to be held often

I can’t wait to see what kind of update you made to your ceremonial outfit.

hang on……..

check out my book kick-starter!

do u ever see stuff customized for little kids and get blown away by how small……children are like…….those little little tiny chairs in preschools…..so small……they sit in those and do their work…….what does someone so small have going on…I know it’s important and they’re working hard…..I love them & I love those little chairs

This is not my first kid and yet I’m still floored by how tiny baby shirts are. Like… omg. I had one of these before!? Was the first one really that small? Really? AND I’M HAVING ANOTHER VERY SMALL PERSON!?

every time i see baby sneakers in the shoe store I am speechless I stop in my tracks. baby boots? have you seen the little timbs they make for teeny feet I’m going to SCREAM

The first time I saw newborn sized jeans (they had an elastic waistband) I almost cried. They had tiny working pockets and I was so shocked. These tiny babies with their little baby hands don’t even have things to put into their pockets and yet they have working pockets but I, a grown woman, have to check to make sure jeans have working pockets before I can buy them

you don’t know…..babies have a lot of things to put in pockets like…….their Very Small Hands……a single ravioli……

Tony Stark: I’m busy

Peter Parker: Do you think drinking 36 cans of redbull consecutively would make my spidey senses even more heightened or would I just die

Tony Stark:

Tony Stark: I’m on my way

#my favorite part of this is the ambiguity #did the Protective Dad Instinct™ kick in? #does he actually want to test peter’s theory? #who knows (via  knightinironarmor)