#LesbiansForBisexualsForTheNorcalOrb

it is continually inspiring to me that there is a nearly middle aged man who writes for a sports website who posts like us, truly the posters spirit can be found anywhere

I love people putting their favorite Jon Bois Twitter bits in the tags. Like the one where he reacts to an illegibly jpeg compressed image, or how he posts his nonsense guide to NFL overtime rules (complete with "Designed by Jon" at the bottom)

just gonna keep posting these the people need to see them

god this tickles me

(OP's tiktok here)

Shirt that says REJECTING ONE INCORRECTLY BLACK AND WHITE VIEW OF HISTORY FOR ANOTHER IS NOT PROGRESS

booty shorts that say THE PROBLEM IS YOUR WHOLE PARADIGM, NOT THE ANGLE FROM WHICH YOU VIEW IT

peace and love on planet earth

realizing why your gay friend has dog toys, but no dog

It’s always sad when somebody’s dog dies, even if they are a homosexual.

guys hot uquiz was just discovered but I'm taking it about 100 yrs too late. anyways everyone share how wifeable you are.

THE WIFE RATING SCALE 1929

Here’s a copy of the booklet outlining the test, if you’re curious about scoring technique or want to see the husband version.

usamericans do really love making posts about parking lots. i met god in a parking lot. fighting my ex in a parking lot. it's like their main biome

the site where most of the Salem Witch Trial victims were hanged is now in a parking lot

(well, the back of a parking lot)

(specifically a Walgreen's parking lot)

(it's somewhere in that clump of trees. there's a marker but this is the best photo I could find that illustrates both Trees and Walgreens Parking Lot)

IT'S LIKE OUR MAIN BIOME BECAUSE THE WHOLE GOT DAMN COUNTRY IS SLOWLY BEIN' PAVED OVER AND IT'S LIKE 90% OF THE PLACES YOU CAN ACTUALLY FUCKEN GET TO BECAUSE THIS PLACE IS BUILT FOR CARS MORE THAN PEOPLE

"Parking space takes up 27% of central Columbus, Ohio." Is a sentence that makes me feral, esp considering how much is already roads and highways.

I audition for the role of Ophelia.

Ophelia might be 18. She might be 25. We don’t know. We know she’s young and pretty. I’m 27 and fairly pretty. I’m not young.

The director says he won’t cast someone who “looks” older than 25. I know this means he won’t cast someone who looks older than he thinks 25-year-olds look like.

The truth is, your face when you’re 27 is the same face as when you’re 25. The truth is, your face when you’re 25 is usually the same as when you’re 23. It changes sometime in the night when you’re 21.

Your face when you’re 20 is your face when you’re 18 is usually very close to your face when you’re 16. But when you audition for a 16-year-old when you’re 16, you lose the role to someone who’s 25.

You realize that all of those teenagers you watched in movies growing up were adults. They needed to be beautiful. They needed to be desired. Not awkward, growing, acne, baby fat cheeks.

That’s why you never looked like them. You wanted so badly to look like them.

Now 27 is too old for 25 and you spent your life waiting to look old enough to look young until you’re too old to look your age.

I lie. He can’t tell whether I’m 23-25-27 or whatever age at which a woman is disqualified.

I get the role. I meet the actor playing Hamlet. He’s 45. I meet the actress playing Hamlet’s mother, and she’s 30.

God forbid a woman looks like she was born before she gave birth.

Imagine if she looked like a mother.

Would Ophelia like to be a mother?

Would she have to look like one? With stretch marks and tired eyes from late nights nursing her baby?

Would she have to grow up?

Luckily for Ophelia, she drowns before she gets the chance.

Luckily for me, I still look young enough for the audience to care.

Ophelia and I leave behind a perfect corpse. And happily, because who leaves flowers at a grave with crows feet and smiles lines?

The play is a tragedy, so we don’t smile much, anyway. Luckily.

The people will cry because I’m worthy enough to die,

and happy Ophelia will never become too old to play herself.

—

Ophelia— a somewhat lazy poem I recently found buried in my notes app.

the simplicity of lactase supplements is so funny to me. it costs like $4 to circumvent evolutionary biology. want to eat dairy but your body doesn’t produce the enzyme necessary to digest lactose? the devs haven’t patched that yet but you can download a mod

by the way i'm the reason why they send weathermen into hurricanes and shit. "it's needless and dangerous!!!!!" i don't care. every day i call into CNN and demand they send their most pathetic newscaster into a storm to watch them be knocked down by wave and wind and they sigh and say yes ma'am. and i do this all for nasty, sexual purposes, if you were wondering.

my favorite part of this post is people started tagging it with names of characters i've never heard of so i got curious and googled them and like a third are just tagging it as their local weatherman. very funny.

I just don’t get it. How can our society act so goddamned normal about seahorses. How can anybody so casually accept that that’s a fish???

This is one of nature’s most anatomically perverse of all beasts. A FISH, like a carp or a bass or a beta is a fish, but it bent its body straight up only to bend its head permanently back down. It stretched its skull into a pipe. It tapered its tail like a lizard, specifically like a chameleon. It can also move its eyes independently by the way, you know, like a chameleon. Fun fact, it can change color to express its mood, like you know whatever does that. It doesn’t properly swim anymore. It buzzes its few remaining fins like an insect’s wings to float itself around at a snail’s pace. It lives its whole life clinging to coral branches or seaweed, which means it decided to become a “tree dweller” in an environment where gravity didn’t even matter anyway. The males get pregnant. They make noises at each other by rubbing some of their neck bones together. Every day, EVERY DAY a mated pair does a little dance and a little neck bone song so they remember which two seahorses they were. They’re a beautiful precious obscenity. Nothing so adorable ever made such a strong case against a logical creator.

They have as little skin and meat as they could get away with. Their skeleton is almost all they are.

This thing is one of the most successful hunters on the planet. Because their mouth is fused shut, except for the tip, they can create a powerful suction force in front of that one little opening in order to draw in prey. 

Lions have a 20-30% success rate on their hunts, depending on daytime and if they’re in a group. Great white sharks, anywhere from 40% to 80%, depending on the size and skill of the individual. Dragonflies, which are one of the most successful terrestrial hunters, can hit about 80-85%. Seahorses? 90% success rate, sometimes more. Only a fraction of their prey escapes that powerful vacuum. They’re incredibly precise. 

If you touch them, they feel hard, because of the skeleton underneath their skin. Their tails are being studied to make coiling bridges, because of how strong that interlocked structure is. Different species range in size from over a foot long, to barely an inch. 

Behold: not just a fish, but a wildly successful predator! 

horsey

don’t forget their majestic cousins the sea dragons! these are the leafy and weedy sea dragons

and the newest seahorse family member, discovered in 2015, the ruby sea dragon ❤️

Yeah that’s when someone tried to straighten the seahorse back out and it still didn’t look right. The more they bent and mushed it in their hands to look like a fish again the worse they fucked it up until finally they just left it and walked off and hoped nobody would ask who did this

(I love them so much)