Me: I don’t know if I ever want to be pregnant, I’d rather adopt a kid or two that are a bit older
Someone: Are you SURE? Older adoptees present UNIQUE CHALLENGES
Me: We are discussing human beings not digital pets
Literally every child every born and/or parented presents unique challenges. It’s like people are unique individuals…..or something………….
An amazing and revolutionary concept
Ok I know Tumblr hates nuance but I’m gonna drop some here: Yes, adopting an older kid is a great thing to do, and those kids often have been through hell and have the scars that come from being through hell and you have to be ready and prepared for the scars they have or you’ll add to their hell.
By which I mean: My folks used to raise foster kids. Most kids in ‘the system’ have some mental health issues, but if you’re loving and careful you can’t work it out. A minority of them have severe mental health challenges that people who don’t have specialized and dedicated training simply are not equipped to handle the responsibility. Social services, because they’re understaffed and underresourced as fuck, will do their level best to push those kids into any household, no matter how ill-suited, because any roof is better than no roof, and damn the consequences if it ends up making the kid sicker. And the new foster families will accept them, because they’re naive enough to think ~*~love~*~ and ~*~good intentions~*~ is all it takes to help a kid like that. So you take a kid who needs a specialized environment to be set up for success, and you add a family who’s never raised or received any training whatsoever on kids with severe mental health challenges and who don’t even have the shadow of a ghost of a clue of how to properly support the kid they’ve taken in, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster - usually within a couple months the kid is bounced out of the household and has more trauma to show for it - and IME, often other kids in the household also have trauma to show for it. As an example: ever wake up with your hair covered in someone else’s shit and just as you realize that you also realize that person’s in the room with you and has a knife pointed at you and they intend to use it? That was a thing that happened to me more than once, done by a kid with that sort of severe mental health issue, when I was a kid myself, because that particular kid needed an environment they weren’t getting at my folks’ house. My folks tried for a year to help that kid, and they failed, because they 1, did not know what they were in for so 2, were inadequately prepared and 3, did not have the environment set up for that kid’s success.
Social services knew this kid would crash and burn in an environment like my parents’ household. They put the kid there anyway. Because they were understaffed and underresourced and “the system” has decided in its infinite wisdom that a bad house style environment is better than staying in an ok group home for a bit longer while you wait for the right house style environment. Cases like that are why my folks got out of providing foster care when I was in my teens - they got sick of having to re-traumatize kids who were not set up for success, for whom my parents were unable to set up a proper environment. That kid, for example, psychologically needed an environment where they were the only child. My parents obviously had other kids. That kid was set up for failure the moment they walked in the door - and they got some more fresh abandonment trauma as a result when my parents finally admitted, we can’t help this kid.
The kids who get re-traumatized are not the only ones who end up with scars from that sort of fuckup: I am now 29, and only this year was I psychologically able to sleep well without the door locked and something heavy put in front of it in case someone tried to pick it. For your own sake as well as the sake of any kid you take in, you need to make sure you’re properly prepared for whatever challenge the kid has. Otherwise another kid in your household is going to get traumatized, too. Like, in my case, by waking up with a knife at their throat and having to fight off a murder attempt by a 7YO. More. Than. Once.
My point is not “don’t adopt an older kid.” Older kids need help, and they need loving families, and if you think you’re cut out for it, good for you! Please do.
My point instead is this: If you want to adopt an older kid, figure out what challenges the kid has, and get the training and make the preparations you need to properly support the kid you want to adopt first. This includes things like parenting classes, providing respite care for families that have kids with similar needs so you understand and are mentally ready for what the day-to-day is going to be like, taking training classes for parents of kids with those sorts of needs, talking with the kid’s case worker and figuring out what other sorts of training and coursework might be helpful, and arranging your own respite providers. That way you’re set up for success, the kid is set up for success, and hopefully everyone gets their happily ever after.
Cuz the same kid who tried to kill me when they were 7? Got a functional environment run by people who were actually prepared for their needs three years later. The folks in that household raised the kid to adulthood, and they’re called “mom” and “dad” by that kid now. That same kid, who damn near anyone would have called a lost cause when they were living with my folks is now a healthy, functional adult who works with animals and special needs kids in a equine therapy facility. And yeah, I can’t meet up with that person without having an anxiety attack - and they feel terrible about what happened. But they were in a head space where they couldn’t have acted differently than they did in the environment of my parents’ place. The presence of other kids was too triggering for them. The right environment matters. Adopting a kid is not like buying clothes. You can’t just go and pick one that seems cute and hopefully it’ll all be fine. If you choose to adopt a child, you take responsibility for the wellbeing and care of another human - and if you’re inadequately prepared for the task, the kid is going to be the one who suffers for it. And if the kid suffers due to your lack of preparation, it’ll be entirely your fault. You are the adult. It is your job to make sure you’re up to the task.
For the record: I also hold the opinion of the last paragraph for people who choose to have biokids. Too many people don’t properly appreciate the responsibility they’re taking on by child-rearing. Too many people want kids as fucking living ornaments to show off to their friends, or they take in foster kids to show their peers how fucking kind and generous they are, or they get them for the stipend that comes with a foster kid and have no intention of spending the money on the kid like it’s supposed to be spent. Regardless of how you intend to be a parent: Understand the responsibility you’re taking on, and do serious soul-searching about whether or not you’re cut out for it. I am not. I understand and admit this, and I think there is no shame in it. If you are cut out for it, good on you. Get the training and education you need to do a good job. I’ve seen first hand what happens if you don’t.
reblogging for the info that @ischemgeek added, because it is important.
Important
