I don’t want to be pregnant. I have a fear of pregnancy- since before puberty.
I do not think other feminists should encourage younger women to become pregnant and become mothers, because patriarchy does that enough already.
Having a biological child is a responsibility that goes beyond the risks of pregnancy and childbirth and extends to a minimum of an 18 year commitment to protect, nourish, and provide for another human, who will have their own personality, their own wants and desires, that you cannot control.
When I think about motherhood, I obviously reflect on my own experiences as a child of an addict. I was neglected, I was sexually abused, and I was forced to grow up faster and try to parent my younger brother. I was exposed to things a child should never have to see, including drugs, sex, physical abuse, and rape.
I also think about my grandmother, who took us in when our mom abandoned us, and what motherhood meant for her, which was, in a word, martyrdom. My grandmother gave up her dreams of becoming a nurse to raise her three children, and then raised me and my brother.
Her life from age 18 to now has been all about giving her energy to others.
She is uncomfortable taking time for herself or buying things for herself. Everything has been about trying to be the best mother, and when her children have disappointed her, it has come back to wound her- “I didn’t do enough”, “What did I do wrong?” She has at times openly resented us. She has held her caregiving over our heads to guilt or manipulate us into behaving the way she expected us to or choosing the life decisions she wanted us to.
When I think of motherhood, I often think about The Giving Tree, and of the Mother Mary laying at the crucifix and weeping.
Motherhood should not be entered into lightly. It is intense, 24 hr, 7 days a week labor.
In spite of this, I would still like to raise daughters or help other women raise daughters.
But I’m not going into that choice lightly or with naivety.
Feminists should not sugarcoat the risks of pregnancy or the toil of motherhood.
Society at large often glosses over how intensely all-consuming motherhood can be, because they know if girls knew what their mothers felt, they would think twice before becoming mothers themselves.
Pregnancy and childbirth are miraculous. But it is also extremely dangerous. You can develop gestational diabetes, excruciating back pain, high blood pressure, and pre-eclampsia, to name a few dangers of pregnancy itself. I’ve known several women who have had to become bedbound during their pregnancies. There is always the possibility of miscarriage- my mother had three miscarriages herself.
Childbirth itself is excruciating. And it puts your life in danger. 14 out of every 100,000 mothers in the USA die from childbirth or pregnancy complications.
Black women are 3.3 more likely to die from pregnancy.
Native American and Alaskan Native women are 2.5 times more likely. (Source)
While you may think that 14 out of 100,000 women are good enough odds to risk having a biological child, I’d argue that the risk is unnecessary.
We do not have to give birth.
We can foster and adopt children who are already alive and need someone to care for them.
But even further- we do not have to be mothers.
In a society that promotes motherhood from girlhood, I believe women deserve to hear that again and again.
You do not have to give birth.
You do not have to be a mother.
You can choose to not take that risk or carry that burden and it does not make you “selfish”, “immature”, or “nihilistic” to do so.
Talking about the dangers of pregnancy and the downsides of motherhood is also not “shaming” mothers or fearmongering.
It’s being honest about what we have experienced and observed of the condition of mothers around the world.
