Transcript:

I’m about to expose the men. Whenever you ask a man’s height, he’ll add an inch. So if he’s 6 foot, he’ll say he’s 6’1 and if he’s 6’2, he’ll say he’s 6’3.

Not me though. I subtract 4. I say I’m 5’9. Especially when there’s other men in the room. And then I just watch them panic. Not only have you exposed his lie, but now he thinks he’s 5’3.

What I do is not a crime, but it should be.

I still think it’s hilarious that the reason nobody ever figures out Superman’s secret identity or where he lives or what he does when he’s not saving the planet, is because he already told them all the Kryptonian stuff that can’t be tied to any of his human friends or family. I guarantee you the in-universe wikipedia article on Superman lists his name as Kal-El and the “personal life” section says that he lives full-time at his private fortress of solitude at the north pole. Nobody in the world looks at Clark Kent and thinks “oh my god, maybe he’s superman!” for the same reason nobody ever starts to suspect that their coworker who looks KINDA like Barack Obama is actually secretly Barack Obama – They know who Barack Obama is and know what he does and they know their coworker Greg is Greg and not Barack Obama. They have no reason to assume Barack Obama secretly moonlights as Greg The IT Guy at their workplace even though they’ve never seen Greg and Obama in the same place. At best, “Greg is secretly Obama” would be a running joke at the office, and the same is true at the Daily Planet. “Kal-El of Krypton, who lives in a CRYSTAL PALACE at the NORTH POLE and whose dayjob is SUPERMAN, sometimes puts on a suit and pretends to be a clumsy reporter and lives in a one-bedroom walkup in Metropolis” is a ridiculous concept to anyone who doesn’t already know it’s true

[From Max Landis’ amazing “American Alien” series about Superman.] SO GOOD

SCREAM 👏🏻 IT 👏🏻 TO 👏🏻 THE 👏🏻 BACK 👏🏻 SO EVERYONE 👏🏻 CAN 👏🏻 HEAR

His shit eating grin in the last one sells it

I love the idea of Clark Kent turning up to every office Halloween party in an ill-fitting Superman costume from Target.

Still one of my favorite clips from Superman: The Animated Series.

This has gotten bigger since I last saw it ant that’s FANTASTIC

Henry Cavill literally once stood in Time Square, in a superman t-shirt, under a giant poster of himself and no one recognised him, even though he was actively trying to be recognised.

I’ve never seen this post but it just became my favorite post on the internet

Wanna know the kicker?

In the first chapter of JLA’s “Divided We Fall Arc” both Clark and Bruce reveal their civilian identities to the rest of the League. This is post “Tower of Babel” where nobody but Clark still trusts Batman, and in order to start building trust again, Clark urges Bruce to unmask himself to the rest of the team because Bruce obviously knows who everyone else is. Bruce agrees on one condition, Clark has to “unmask” himself as well.

When the big reveal goes down, Kyle Rayner says it best re: Clark being Superman: “He doesn’t…wear a mask. I never even…thought he had a…day job…”

That’s right, the canon reason why nobody makes the connection between Superman and Clark Kent is because nobody thinks that Superman HAS a civilian identity.

Also, with a really good actor, Clark Kenting is entirely possible, as Christopher Reeve demonstrates in the 1978 Superman film.

There was actually a story where a scientist at Lexcorp developed a computer program to analyse all available evidence and work out who Superman is

It figured out he was Clark…and Lex fired the scientist for wasting company resources because he COULDN’T BELIEVE that Superman would ever “Pretend” to be human because it would mean pretending to be “Weak”

90% of Superman’s disguise is everyone else doing the work for him

the best secret identity of all.

I love every version of this post because they are all beautiful.

There’s an anecdote about the filming of the Christopher Reeves Superman movie - there was a diner close to where they were filming that Reeves would visit on his lunch break. When he showed up dressed like Superman, he would be mobbed by fans asking for his autograph. When he showed up dressed like Clark Kent, nobody even noticed him.

marichat stans rn after 7 years of clowning

that went hella left

@memeuplift

The very definitions of everyday heroes

This is a blessed post everyone need to see it and see it again

“we don’t talk about Bruno” *entire family immediately proceeds to deliver an itemized list of every single grievance and grudge they’ve been holding against Bruno for the last decade*

“We don’t talk about Bruno” really means “Please don’t get anyone started about Bruno.”

#when pepa was like “we don’t talk about Bruno… BUT!”#she was prepared

WE DON’T TALK ABOUT BRUNO, NO NO NO

WE DON’T TALK ABOUT BRUNOOOO

BUT

IT WAS MY WEDDING DAY

in retrospect Adrien being a sentimonster adds new context to a lot of old episodes

Adrien was wrong about Gabriel not having a sense of humor

normalize lying to matt lauer about seeing a clown explode to death in his little clown car

This is so hilarious to me

[TRANSCRIPTION:  “Ok I know I need to stop saying Ma’am and Sir to customers at work, it’s bad to assume other people’s gender, but I can’t help it it’s how I was raised. My mother was Southern and my father was a Bottom. Something about it always confuses the customers anyway, it could be the whole ..everything about me, but every time I say “Here you go ma’am here’s your change.” All I get is “Oh, thank you?” (the “you” trails off and ends in confusion.)

Suddenly our little game of social volleyball has turned into three dimensional gender chess and I’m eating all the pieces. I’ve got her fucking money in my hand so she knows that the only way she’s getting it back is if she solves my queer little fairy riddle and I’m not giving her any fucking clues.

Now all of a sudden this Karen is studying me with the intensity of a crime scene investigator. She’s stuck in her Sherlock Holmes mind palace trying to figure out if These are tits or just mosquito bites. Or if I’m a woman or just one of those femboys her kids keep showing around the Tik-Tok.

In the past sixty seconds my customer has thought more about men, women, and the terrifying pit where I lie in between than she ever has in her entire life beforehand. She is stuck in my transgender genjutsu.

Now the customer is always Wrong, because even if her little game of pronoun roulette happens to land in her favour she still stood there for a fucking minute mouth agape, fully admitting that whatever I’ve got going on beneath my jeans is Far beyond her comprehension.

If I’m going to be stuck in this capitalist nightmare for all eternity then every unsuspecting mother who comes in to buy a Roblox card is going to have to suffer through a gender identity crisis with me. /END ID]

I love this person already.

the primary conflict between ladybug and chat noir is that ladybug thinks she’s living in a 2010 DC superhero movie and adrien thinks he is living in a magical girl anime. in this essay i will—

yeah

JFKS,DJDLDJDKSJSKNSKSNS oh my god this this perfect. his little uwu face. the shoujo bubbles. the dirt marks on her face. i’m screaming.

And the whole irony is that Marinette's life IS the one of a shoujo anime while Adrien's is a whole 2010 DC movie happening down in his basement

Jason: You got me a…bathrobe

Dick: Bat-robe

Tim: Lucius has been experimenting with lightweight bulletproof fabrics so, you know, it’s bulletproof

Jason: I can work with this

…. Later ….

Local news: the notorious Red Hood has been spotted fighting aliens, rescuing civilians, and even fist-fighting Black Mask in the middle of a turf-war firefight - all while wearing a bathrobe. Conspiracy theories run rampant over the Red Hood’s new look…

This jason

I couldn’t resist