夢を生きる (Yume wo ikiru) Chapter 10. Special Interview
Translated by gladi. Please do not repost without permission. And if you did enjoy these translations + the Ice Jewels ones, please consider buying the book in support (link here). Thanks!
Yuzuru speaks frankly about his figure skating experience so far; his limits as one single skater and going beyond by learning to rely on his team; the support of his mother... and (one-sidedly?) challenging Stephane to a spin contest at 10 ✨ – gladi
Chapter 10. Special Interview
Towards the Pyeongchang Olympics
What is the Olympic stage like to you? Compared to other competitions, what different significance does it hold?
On one level, it is a normal competition, so there is a part (of me) looking to regulate (myself) as such. However, to speak the truth, it is a stage that I aspire to. If asked whether I’m able to see it as part of reality, since I’ve already gotten the gold medal at the Sochi Olympics – the answer is no. Even after having experienced it once, even with the top world ranking, even if my personal best is higher than anyone else’s, I really feel as if I’m going to the Olympics for the first time after all.
It must feel good to be skating on that stage?
I’ve never once had the thought that it “feels good.” Joy, or sadness, is something that I only feel once (the skate) is over.
How does it feel in the midst of skating?
I am totally lost in it. I’m competing, that is all. There is a lot of pressure in that competition.
What kind of performance are you looking for on this stage, at the center of attention from around the world?
I just want to give a clean performance, really. That is the same as with any competitions. It’s not as if I am changing my music all of a sudden, and there is no difference compared to other competitions. Therefore, I can challenge the Olympics with my mind at ease. But it is true that there is a special feeling going in, and figuring out how to approach that is difficult. I’ll definitely be nervous, and there will probably be many things I’d regret over. I cannot be pleased without reserve, even with a clean performance. Because that’s never been the case so far.
There wasn’t ever a trial that I had been completely pleased with. Even at the NHK Trophy (where Hanyu broke the short program, free program, and combined score world records in November 2015), I had been reflecting post-performance – “I could have rotated more during the spins.” And for the Grand Prix Final (where Hanyu rewrote all three records in December the same year), my mental condition had been terrible. I was feeling all over the place, that “I must bring that (clean) performance two competitions in a row” – and that was a big reflection point. After that, there hasn’t been a competition where I put together two clean (short and free) programs. Every competition left behind points of frustration and issues to work out, so I’m guessing that the Olympics will be the same as well.
Hidden anguish
After the Sochi Olympics, the expectations surrounding you heightened on the one hand. How about your own expectation of yourself, has it increased?
But conversely, there were times when you became unable to trust yourself?
I don’t really like to speak of it, but recently I’m no longer able to resolve things on my own. In the past, I’d approached skating with a simpler mindset. Sort of like a sense of obligation, I was thinking “I have to do it.” Before likes or dislikes, it was the thought of “I’ve come this far, I can’t simply let go” and I was tied down by that. But now, I’m feeling none of that. I am skating, wanting to skate.
Do you think that is a good thing?
That is precisely the reason why I’m no longer able to resolve by myself. So far, even on my own, I’ve been able to overcome technical issues. However, when it comes to here (raising his hand to gesture around the top of his head), there are times when there is no other way but to seek help from someone. Left unattended, it becomes an issue and I get in over my head with my own feelings. There has been a good increase in my stamina, and if it were my old layout, I believe I could skate cleanly whenever. But now, I’m no longer keeping up (with what needs to be done) be it mentally or physically.
You were also struggling with the Quad Lutz.
Even though I’ve studied it time and time again on my own, once I start doing it on ice, thinking that I’ve hit the nail on the head, it all comes apart in a day. I repeated that too much and ended up not knowing what I should do. Previously, because skating used to be an obligation, even [at such times] I would feel like “I must do it.” And in any case, I was getting it before I reached the point of thinking that. But now, it’s different. It’s not so much that I am feeling my limits, but rather that I feel the limits of my own ability as one single person. I think that is probably because, so far, I haven’t been creating my jumps while being conscious of the fact that I’m jumping a quad.
In order to jump a quad, you have to make changes from the very foundations of how you jump, don’t you?
That’s right. There is a lot that has to be changed; I can’t create it, nor see it, alone. For the Toe Loop and the Salchow, I was able to reach them through physical ability. The mental images, too, came to take root. But with the Lutz and the Loop, I haven’t been able to make it that far. My skills and knowledge aren’t there yet.
A mother’s support
There are pains that no one quite understands, aren’t there?
The season right after the Sochi Olympics, I really felt that “no one understands such feelings.” In the past, I had dealt with pressure on my own as well. But we’re past that zone now. I understand this, so it’s okay. Because we’ve overcome as a team.
Did you use to feel a greater sense of loneliness in the past?
Right after the Olympics, I was saddled [with the feeling of loneliness] by myself. After the collision (with another skater at the Cup of China, November 2014), and after surgery (on the urachus) in December the same year as well, I was alone in a panic, feeling that “I have to do something somehow” “Because I’m the Olympic champion.” But, getting over that period, I no longer think I have to somehow get the job done all alone.
Immediately after your victory at the Sochi Olympics, you publicly declared your intent to defend your title as reigning champion. At the time, did you imagine that it would have been such a bitter path?
I was imagining more different kinds of hardships. Perhaps more strain in dealing with pressure – I was thinking that the Olympic champion must always win. But, that wasn’t the case. After the collision in China, I ended up in fourth place at the following NHK Trophy. Those thoughts disappeared following that. Although, after the clean performances of Ballade No.1 and SEIMEI (in the 2015-16 season), those thoughts came back again.
You mean you end up subjecting yourself under heavy pressure?
I think it was anticipation. Because “I can win” and I knew that clearly, so I end up desiring, hoping for it more than I had ever before. That is tough. On the other hand, (what needed to be done) became more difficult, so I am in a bind. There is (mental) conflict.
What is the driving force toward overcoming such conflict and anguish? What is the power that enables you to surmount wall after wall that is standing in the way?
If I get to the very bottom of it, it’s my mother.
Your mother lives together with you in Toronto and really supports you, right? What kind of existence is she to you?
My mother's purpose in life is no longer herself. That sensation, without any pressure, is something about a family that I’m thankful for. I’m truly being supported in so many, many ways.
You’re not fighting alone.
Up till Sochi, it felt like I was doing it alone. (Tears up) However, when I look back, there isn’t a single competition where I was glad to have done it on my own.
It feels reassuring to have someone who understands you.
Amazing, isn’t it? Oh wow, it’s the first time I’ve cried at an interview. (laughs) I’m surprised.
You’re carrying many, many thoughts.
The start of the season every year is extremely grueling. But the level of difficulty this season outstrips the past. Although it hasn’t ended yet.
It has been tough ever since I started skating. However, I’m grateful to my parents for having me skate. Had my sister not been skating, I think I wouldn’t have been either. Probably it would have been baseball, and there would have been more studying. But, from when I began to skate, I had already decided upon the Olympic gold medal. I didn’t know it was such a difficult competition though.
A tempestuous figure skating journey
Looking back once more, it’s been a dramatic skating career.
Almost to the extent that even I myself am not keeping up. As if I’m on a roller coaster. When I can’t win I really can’t win; then I train a lot and once I get into really good shape, I get injured. Rinse and repeat. The gap between good times and bad is extreme, and there are times when even I myself can’t keep up.
Maybe even more dramatic than TV drama.
The timing of my rivals’ appearances is also that way. Patrick (Chan) before the Sochi Olympics was like that, Nathan (Chen) and Boyang (Jin) and so forth now are also like that. It was right after the end of the Sochi Olympics when Boyang did the Quad Lutz, hinting at the arrival of the Quad Era we have right now. It felt like the times were set into motion from that point on.
But I think Hanyu, you have been constantly leading the way and lifting the limits of this sport.
There’s no such thing, it was just the timing of it. Skaters like Boyang and Nathan who do the Quad Lutz came up, so I also challenged it. Then again, from the time when I was in elementary school, learning from Tsuzuki-sensei, I’d been told, “You’re going to have to go as far as Quad Axel, you know!" Also to go at quints. Of course, at the time, it didn’t feel real. After the Sochi Olympics too, I was thinking, “I guess the current state will continue on.”
The men’s field has evolved at a greater speed than expected these couple years.
Around the time of the Sochi Olympics, if you were able to do quads for the Toe Loop and the Salchow, you would win. Thinking about it now, those were good times. “Parisienne Walkway” (t/n his short program at Sochi, which scored 101.45 with a jump layout of 4T // 3A 3Lz3T, was a new world record at the time and the first time anyone in history scored above 100 points) and the like… that feels quite easy nowadays.
I wonder what sort of drama lies ahead?
It’s my own view, but when you balance the gains and losses in life, I think they’ll eventually sum to zero in the end. Although, whether the ups and downs are great or small – that depends on the person. As for me, the gap between the good and the bad is extreme. Perhaps the Sochi Olympics was too far into the positive, after that, I fell straight down. I’ve even thought of quitting skating many times – “Why am I skating? I'll quit” – and cried many times. But, after the drop, I get results and go up once again. And again, down. Hereafter too, I’ll probably walk a roller-coaster path of life.
Going beyond Pyeongchang
You’re aiming for the gold medal at the Pyeongchang Olympics, but do you feel like continuing to skate in competitions after that?
Speaking of my true thoughts, after the Sochi Olympics ended, I was thinking that I would retire at Pyeongchang. It has been quite grueling so far, and “I’m going to quit” has crossed my mind. But up until around the season before the last, I’d decided on keeping at it till Pyeongchang and then retiring. Then I realized. It felt like I was lying to my young self.
Accomplishing back-to-back victories at the Olympics, winning at 19 and 23. After that, becoming a pro skater, skating for X years, getting married at Y years of age – I had it all planned out a long time ago. But, I thought, “Wait, don’t you want to land the Quad Axel?” From Tsuzuki-sensei, too, “(You should) become the first man to land the Quad Axel.” “Axel is the king of jumps.” So I think I have to give back to the Axel, and I mustn’t quit until I land it.
What will your skating career look like after that, what are your future dreams and goals?
University studies are fun. If we're just counting credits, I can take however many, but I want to study more properly and acquire knowledge. So, I want to continue on in university for a little bit more.
So you’ll continue to balance your skating and your studies for a while.
I’m interested in coaching eventually. So that I may be involved in [the development of] future skaters, I would like to leave behind data and teach. Thanks to the many shows I was kindly allowed to participate in from when I was young, skaters such as Stéphane (Lambiel) and Johnny (Weir), Plushenko, from a generation that I have admired, are cheering for me. If they would kindly lend me their support, I’d like to hold ice shows and workshops together.
It would be an occasion that pools the world’s greatest skills and talents.
When I was about 10, I saw Stéphane’s spins, right before my eyes. We competed, but he was extraordinarily skilled.
You competed with the best spinner in the world?
Yes. Stéphane was practicing for a show at Katsuyama (in Sendai where Hanyu used to train), and I started spinning next to him. I earnestly thought I could win. Eventually, he got serious about it. There was no way I could have won. But Stéphane remembered, and later on asked me, “You were that tiny kid who kept doing spins at the time, weren’t you?”
What a wonderful experience!
Competing against him, I resolved to get better at spins as well. You’ll definitely improve, learning from them. Assembling the legends and opening the best school ever – that’s the dream.
