There's Nothing Down Here For You
Christian turned numb and still in the darkness. His head lingered further away from his body, slithering and wriggling into the pit to find anything. The primal desire to move and live without thought took over and his listless tunneling continued. He didn't know what up or down were and just squirmed around in the earth.
Earth. Part of the title of a song from adolescence. Bits of the melody echoed in his mind as his grub head calmed down. Bittersweet feelings of a time that he could never return to physically but tattooed on him as a reminder of his journey.
He could feel dirt. If he can feel, he wasn't dead. And if he's alive then he can think. He can think and search around for the softer soil closer to the surface. Minutes of fruitless endeavors sunk him but it triggered a memory of being stuck on a tough question on a homework assignment. How his father sat down and helped him work it through.
Christian couldn't remember what the question was or even the subject. But he missed someone caring about his problem. He missed the unspoken love of sharing time and receiving help. He wanted more like that even if his father wasn't here. Christian hastened his resolve when he remembered love exists no matter when and where. That others can offer love and care despite flaws.
He remembered telling Erica about the awful thing about the moth and how she hugged him after seeing how distraught he was. He remembered an aunt. Aunt Linda, the one who taught him how to swim and give CPR to avoid another drowning incident.
Christian knew he had fucked up, but that he was an ordinary man, and ordinary people are just trying to exist in a confusing, lawless life. He knew that he did not have to be a doctor for absolving himself of sins and he could simply be one to prevent harm and pain. A child is not innocent or evil, he understood, but an animal that can talk. Even early adulthood was a difficult time for adjusting to losing loved ones and a way of life.
Christian could learn to live again and to live above the surface again. The soil softened and he could feel warmth of the sun. His dropping stamina weighed him down yet his hand punched upward and created a mound where a spotlight beamed upon him. Christian hid his eyes from the immediate brightness, yet he paused, breathed, and erupted from earth with his moth head returned and his arms grasping for air and freedom.
He climbed himself out of the pit and laid down on the warm grass to rest. The breeze cooled his mind, the green trees waved peacefully and vibrantly, and the flowers smelled of life. Christian closed his eyes to relax to songbirds, never noticing how unique each one was for species and purposes.
He scheduled an appointment for therapy, one for a prescription, and took time off to embrace a side of life he forgot about. He checked his phone contacts and texted each one to see how they were doing. Most of them did not respond. He'll give it some time. And he felt it was time to make new friends or fail trying.
Maybe making new memories would unlock older ones that reminded him of the fullness of life. And if not, he had the entire future to change his luck and explore opportunities he ignored. Healing himself led Christian wanting to heal others like never before when feeling this new freedom.
Out of curiosity, Christian checked the mirror and saw his regular face again. He was no longer his past.
