excerpt from a book ill never write

“You’re not in love with me, are you?”

She looked at him with her deep, sad eyes. The chilly autumn wind was nothing compared to the warmth in his voice, and all she wanted was to fall in his arms. The wind blew her hair just in time for it to cover her teary eyes, as everything was like the first night they met— except it was different. She remembered how his mouth tasted like alcohol mixed with cigarettes, and how she hated every single bit of the stench of nicotine but continued to kiss him anyway because his lips was all the more intoxicating. The mundane moments of watching him sleep washed over her, as she realized it was in between those days of laughing and nights of intimacy and how he held her hand when she felt like falling apart was the reason why she accidentally let her walls crumble. Her damaged heart softened as she rolled her eyes when he embraced her and a part of her did not want to admit, but she almost said, “maybe love is easy.. maybe i can risk getting hurt for you.” She remembered the nights of conversations, the small gestures he did that she appreciates so much, and the forehead kisses every time they would part. he did not have to touch her or hold her... but he did. and no matter how in denial she is, she knows he made her heart flutter for the first time. She never liked how radiant the moon shines every time they are together, it was as if even the celestial bodies wanted her to feel again. 

But after the short moments of acknowledging love, and how maybe it is a good thing, comes the part where she realizes she is too damaged to know what love meant, and if everything she felt with him was love or something else. the thought of maybe she is setting herself up for disappointment again or maybe she is living in her head too much and that maybe he doesn’t love her that way made her second-guess everything. but this is not just about him and if everything was real or not. it was mostly her. it was the fact that she is too scared to even acknowledge her feelings. it was her fear of getting hurt again that she would rather push him away because she's scared it would be too draining to love someone as broken as her. 

and in that moment, she just wanted to fall in to his arms. but why can’t she say it? why can’t she, for once, do something that would make her happy? She looked at him again, for the last time, and realizes it is easier to walk away than to pull him in to a chaotic mess. the lingering conclusion struck her; love is easy. but not for her. she has always been dazed between a crossroad of choices and this time, he could no longer buy her some time. 

“Of course not,” she smiled.

the worst thing about being emotionally damaged is that you are incapable of knowing if you are in love because you have no idea what love means. every time you smile when a person does a small thing that you appreciate so much makes you second guess if you are feeling too much for something thats bare minimum. whats worse than realizing something that comes natural with others makes you so goddamn happy because no one ever did that for you just because they wanted to? its the physical pain that comes with realizing the fact that maybe you would always be the person who would settle for less just to feel loved. 

then after that comes the sad part; being distant and pushing others away because it hurts. it hurts that maybe a part of you is right, maybe you are settling for less and maybe they don’t really love you, you just feel things way too deeply because you are so love deprived even a small touch can make you crumble. even the tiniest bit of attention can come across to you as an act of love. and then you realize how damaged you are. and you are part of the population of people who crave for love but doesnt know what it is supposed to feel like, so you spend the rest of your life wondering and jumping from one casual relationship to the next until you feel nothing anymore.

from the vault

I have come to terms with the fact that we can’t blame people for loving us less. No matter how painful it is to understand that even if you are willing to meet them halfway, sometimes they are just not capable of meeting you there. and it is not your fault. it is not theirs either. it sad because we can’t blame people for not being the right person for us, but we can’t force them to love us right either. thats the sad reality of finding love in all the wrong places. you end up having to compromise your heart for half-assed efforts and inconsistency.

long overdue.

I just turned 20 a few weeks ago and it has always been a tradition of mine to write a reflection or just something that would summarize the year I just had, but this time I guess I’d like to change things up a bit. For now, let’s write something different; here’s an open-letter for my 25-year-old self. 

Untitled

“What was she like, then?” I asked. Hoping this time, I would get the answer I’ve always wanted to hear. 

I genuinely want to know the reason why he loved her so much that he didn’t want to talk about what happened when she left. We all have our firsts-- and first love is something that really intrigues me... maybe it’s because it takes a great amount of courage to move on from someone who made you feel what it’s like to be in love for the first time. 

His eyes looked hopeful as his gaze met mine. “Well, she was.. I don’t know. I just... really loved her.”

For someone who’s deeply in love, I guess you could say I’m a martyr. I know I should stop the conversation and just let him forget about the past but I just couldn’t... not when I saw how his eyes sparkled when he remembered everything about her. I wanted to know more and maybe from there, I could understand.

“So.. what was she like?” I asked again.

I just looked at the calm ocean while waiting for an answer. He kept on looking at the moon, and when the waves crashed the shore, he heaved a long sigh as he watched it gone in an instant, leaving its marks behind on the white sand.

“You’re like the sun,” he said softly.

I chuckled and rolled my eyes at him, although he didn't see it because he was busy looking at the moon. “I said, what was she like.”

“You’re like the sun because you’re warm and bright,” he said, completely ignoring me. “Everything about you is radiant and every time I look at you, it’s like you’re giving me enough reason to conquer anything. You never let me stay in the dark. You watched everything I do. You always.. for some reason, give off light. You were my ray of sunshine.. you made everything better.”

I just looked at him and saw how his eyes sparkled under the glowing celestial body he seems to adore so much. He was smiling, but there was something about it that tells me he still longs for something... or someone. 

“And she was like the moon,” he continued. “So full of imperfections, so lonely. She stayed in the darkness with me and found a way to glow-- even though it means she had to stay in the dark for a long time. She never left, even in my darkest days, those days where even she can’t do anything about my suffering. She brought the best in me even in my darkness. Just like the celestial body she loved so much and always marveled upon, she knows all my secrets.”

We were both silent after that. As I looked at him, all eyes stuck on the mysterious heavenly body that seems to put all things in to place even the wild waves-- I realized he will never look at the sun the way he looked at the moon.

- But that’s okay. I’ll still shine for him anyway.

How do you even start from scratch, anyway?

My stupid self accidentally deleted peachconquerstheworld, the blog I made which had my old writings about almost anything in it. It sucks, big time. Especially now that I couldn’t write as good as I did before and I also don’t have an extra copy of those writings hahaha. But I guess it’s a sign for me to end my year-long hiatus from blogging and start writing again. Let’s just wait ‘til I get my username back and I’ll write again here. This used to be my rant account but now since I don’t want to create another blog, I’ll just use this one. So, yeah. Hello!