excerpt from a book ill never write
“You’re not in love with me, are you?”
She looked at him with her deep, sad eyes. The chilly autumn wind was nothing compared to the warmth in his voice, and all she wanted was to fall in his arms. The wind blew her hair just in time for it to cover her teary eyes, as everything was like the first night they met— except it was different. She remembered how his mouth tasted like alcohol mixed with cigarettes, and how she hated every single bit of the stench of nicotine but continued to kiss him anyway because his lips was all the more intoxicating. The mundane moments of watching him sleep washed over her, as she realized it was in between those days of laughing and nights of intimacy and how he held her hand when she felt like falling apart was the reason why she accidentally let her walls crumble. Her damaged heart softened as she rolled her eyes when he embraced her and a part of her did not want to admit, but she almost said, “maybe love is easy.. maybe i can risk getting hurt for you.” She remembered the nights of conversations, the small gestures he did that she appreciates so much, and the forehead kisses every time they would part. he did not have to touch her or hold her... but he did. and no matter how in denial she is, she knows he made her heart flutter for the first time. She never liked how radiant the moon shines every time they are together, it was as if even the celestial bodies wanted her to feel again.
But after the short moments of acknowledging love, and how maybe it is a good thing, comes the part where she realizes she is too damaged to know what love meant, and if everything she felt with him was love or something else. the thought of maybe she is setting herself up for disappointment again or maybe she is living in her head too much and that maybe he doesn’t love her that way made her second-guess everything. but this is not just about him and if everything was real or not. it was mostly her. it was the fact that she is too scared to even acknowledge her feelings. it was her fear of getting hurt again that she would rather push him away because she's scared it would be too draining to love someone as broken as her.
and in that moment, she just wanted to fall in to his arms. but why can’t she say it? why can’t she, for once, do something that would make her happy? She looked at him again, for the last time, and realizes it is easier to walk away than to pull him in to a chaotic mess. the lingering conclusion struck her; love is easy. but not for her. she has always been dazed between a crossroad of choices and this time, he could no longer buy her some time.
“Of course not,” she smiled.