The BIG Masterlist

RIP Kabosu, who inspired one of the most influential memes of all time; Doge.

2/11/2005 - 24/5/24

Important to know, she passed in a loving and quiet moment being pet by her owner while the sun shone through a window and the birds sang outside

Her owner says it's as if she simply drifted to sleep

I love your grandpa and this is gonna do NUMBERS here

This is delightful!

A year ago I got an anonymous message telling me that everything I post has already been foretold in a medium-sized book that they found in an eagle's nest in 2008. Now every time I publish a post they tell me where in the book it was foretold. Like they send a message just saying (for example) "page 85 line 10". The book isn't in order, so it's become sort of a personal hobby for them to find each day's post, and eventually cross out all the posts in the book, kind of like a birdwatcher's checklist. Once I asked them why they don't just send me the book so i know what posts to make and they responded:

it cracks me up that there was a secret society of American journalists who, from 1965 to 2006, slipped the phrase "it was as if some occult hand..." into articles

this all started when one guy used the phrase in an article and his friends thought it was so hilariously out of place that they all started using it

it drove their editors crazy but they kept doing it

that was like. the whole thing. they called it the Order of the Occult Hand and all it did was put a random metaphor into as many news articles as possible

they picked a new phrase in the early 00s, which has not been revealed yet- to my knowledge

Holy shit, how does that even happen? It's as if some occult hand

This is Money Snake. She only appears every 312 years. 

If you reblog her picture within the next twenty-five seconds you will have good luck and fortune for the rest of your life. 

I reblogged her late last year and my 2024 has been very satisfying work-wise and (secure enough to not stress out) money-wise so far. Money Snake is wise and good.

YOU THINK I’M JOKING BUT I’M DEAD SERIOUS

one day this comic will reach a million notes and then i’m going to quit my job and become a couch

Huh? What’s this? I don’t remember ordering something that big.

Oh, it’s a sofa? I already have one, though…

Hang on, my job sent me this? Is this some sort of bonus or something?

Huh??? It’s empty?? Then why was it so heavy…

Oh hang on what’s this?

I’m not sure I can reach it…

Oh crap!!!!

Everyone who isn’t reblogging this version is a coward and a villain

The complete collection.

Great Noir Episode art combined with great hard-boiled Private Eye Monologue - and both of those TV Tropes articles even use Tracer Bullet as header illustrations.

According to The Calvin and Hobbes Wiki, this is the last of Tracer Bullet's three appearances, so here are his first two.

The very first is a single day's strip, part of a larger arc involving a Really Bad Haircut, hence the hat.

The second strip is a week-long story about a Maths problem.

Remembering my own mathematical ineptitude, with 'O' Level results to prove it, one sympathises.

Shee you 'round, shweetheart.

Shawn and Gus are drift compatible but under no circumstances should they ever be allowed to pilot a jaeger

Shawn: Shawn Spencer, Psychic Ranger, and this is my copilot, Jaeger McFlavour.

Jaeger McFlavour: The british spelling.

Day 2 in the Middle School Time Loop: you remember that last time, everyone ignored you at recess because they were talking about a TV show that you hadn’t watched. This time, you lie and say you’ve seen it. They ask you who your favorite character is, and you don’t know any of the characters, and so you’re tongue-tied. They think you’re weirder than ever, or maybe a liar, which is worse (and true).

Day 3 in the Middle School Time Loop: you tell your parents that you feel ill. They let you stay home while they’re at work. You spend the whole day watching past episodes of the TV Show.

Day 4 in the Middle School Time Loop: Recess again. The same person asks you who your favorite character is. This time, you're ready. You eagerly tell them, and supplement your reasons for liking them with solid evidence from all 4 seasons of the show. But! Tough luck: you’re now too invested. The atmosphere turns uncomfortable. They go back to ignoring you like they did on the Day 1 that you didn’t know was Day 1.

Day 5 in the Middle School Time Loop:

I miss Infinity Train

This is the FUNNIEST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN

Reblogging for cultural enrichment

bout time I brought back the Laurel and Hardy flex tape-

From The Killers, 1946. A Film Noir Classic

I’m an archivist, behold my growing collection was of old photos mirroring timeless memes I’ve come across at various places I’ve worked.

on the topic of humans being the intergalactic “hold my beer” species: imagine an alien stepping onto a human starship and seeing a space roomba™ with a knife duct taped onto it, just wandering around the ship

it doesn’t have any special intelligence. it’s just a normal space roomba. there are other space roombas on the ship and they don’t have knives. it’s just this one. knife space roomba has full clearance to every room in the ship. occasionally crew members will be talking and then suddenly swear and clutch their ankle. knife space roomba putters off, leaving them to their mild stab wounds.

“what is the point?” asks the alien as another crew member casually steps over the knife-wielding robot. “is it to test your speed and agility?”

“no it doesn’t really go that fast,” replies the captain.

“does it teach you to stay ever-vigilant?”

“I mean I guess so but that’s more of a side effect.”

“does it weed out the weak? does it protect you from invaders? do repeated stabbings let your species heal more quickly in the future?”

“it doesn’t stab very hard, it gets us more than it gets our enemies, and no, but that sounds cool — someone write that down.”

“but then what is its purpose?”

“I don’t know,” the captain says, leaning down to give the space roomba an affectionate pat. “it just seemed cool”

this is the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard but I thought about it for five seconds and realized that if I were, say, a random communications officer onboard this ship and someone taped a knife to a roomba it would take maybe three weeks before even I was inordinately fond of Stabby. I would be proud of Stabby when I met up with my other spacefleet friends for space coffee, I would tell them about the time Stabby got the second mate in the ankle five seconds before the fleet admiral beamed on board and she swore in seven different languages in front of high command. 

also by the fourth day Stabby would be in the ship’s log, he’d have little painted-on insignia, people would salute him as he went by, and someone would hook up a twitter account to tweet maniacal laughter and/or a truly terrible knock-knock joke every time he managed to nick someone.

Omg so the ting I typed up might actually happen this is gold

How did it get clearance to every room? The gruff security commander is watching the footage from the ‘admiral incident.’ Some obscure camera angle finally catches Stabby in the act. “Someone get me the number of that space roomba™.”

“But sir, the crew, they… we… sorta have a soft spot for the little thing…”

“I know. I’m going to give it full access to the whole ship. Should be a riot when those Zendarians visit again.”

I meant to add this several thousand notes ago but better late than never, right?

Rithlen was not having a good galactic-standard week.

First, xe got stationed on a human starship as an ambassador for xyr race. Xyr supervisor had always had it out for xem, but this was a new sort of psychological torture. Everyone in the galaxy knew humans were a strange, illogical species. Now Rithlen had to put up with their strange customs, including the small robot with a weapon. The humans didn’t even seem phased by it. They just stepped over the robot. They actually seemed fond of the thing! They named it Stabby.

‘Humans are very strange,’ Rithlen often thought to xemself, ‘in the way they hold affection for a nonsentient piece of machinery designed to hurt them.’ The threat would be neutralized if they would just remove the tape holding the knife, but when xe mentioned the idea to some of the humans, they seemed horrified and offended by the idea.

Rithlen quickly learned to keep one of xyr feelers near the ground, scanning for the vibrations of the small machine.

Reblog this picture of me holding a Family Size box of Honey Nut Cheerios? I’d really appreciate it.

How can I say no to such a great photo and such a polite request?

i will always support this post

@mooserattler back on my dash!

Why isn’t this at a million notes, yet, Dante???

I’m not sure. Hey lovely people who have taken me over half way to a cool million! If you’d like to reblog again, I’d love that, if not, I still love you, and hope you’re having a great day. I’m gonna go do some stand up tonight.

god come on we’re so close. this is like the only meaningful thing that this website could ever achieve

@hellsite-hall-of-fame this post is from 2015

And we’re still reblogging it. Because we can. Because this picture of a guy holding a Family-Size box of Honey Nut Cheerios meant something, even if we’re never going to be sure of what.

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

one of the best tips for Real Life that I’ve ever picked up is to always highball your estimate whenever someone asks you “when can you get this done by” by about 25% (if you can get away with it). that way, if it ends up being harder than you thought, you’ve got extra time to figure things out and if you were right about how much time it takes then you get to look like an absolute genius instead of just a simply competent person.

what you may not have realized is that I learned this crucial piece of life advice from an episode of Star Trek where Scotty is telling Geordi that whenever he told Kirk something on the Enterprise was at full capacity, it was always only ever a notch or so below full capacity so that Scotty looked like the god of all engineers when he was able to magically hack the warp drive to run a little beyond what he’d told everyone else was “full capacity” and honestly that one throwaway gag from Star Trek has changed my life.

star trek heritage post (June 9th, 2017)

My friend sometimes brings her six-year-old to our DnD sessions and my husband (the DM) lets her roll for all enemy attacks and sometimes he will show her a few figures and let her secretly pick what creature we meet next. Who needs encounter tables when you have a first-grader around

She cheers when the monster is winning.

DM: *places an ugly, slavering, repugnant, spine-tingling creature on the battle map*

Child who can barely see over the table: ᵗʰᵃᵗ’ˢ ᵐᵉ :)

I keep quoting “my acocunt” for several months and I just realized it’s from my own screenshot and not a popular post