Hold Me [ONE SHOT]
Warnings: Mentions of abuse, depression, anxiety, self harm and suicide
Scenario: Classmate AU, Bestfriend AU
Foreword: I don’t know when it started. I don’t know how can I escape to it. All I know is I wanted it to end. I wanted to end this darkness that surrounded me.
Author’s Note: First of all, I’m dedicating this story to those people who’s suffering alone, to those people who’s battling their demons alone, to those people who wanted to asks for help but doesn’t have the courage to do so. I want y’all to know that it’s okay to asks for help and that there’s always other people ready to lend a hand for you, that you are precious, that you are love, that you worked hard. I hope y’all who will read this will find comfort and please, continue living, continue being a strong person. I know it’s not easy but you’ll get through it, I know you can do it.
“You aren’t good enough. You’ll never be good enough.”
“Why can’t you be like those other kids?”
I snap my eyes open as soon as my alarm clock rings. I stare at the odd ceiling that has been my companion ever since I try to sleep. I sigh softly as I hear it again; the loud scream and the non stop argument that seems going back and forth between my parents. It become like this ever since my father started coming home late, my mother started asking questions to the point where they started screaming at each other until my father had enough and leave the house.
I dressed into something comfortable, enough to cover up my unwanted body. I get out of my room, walk downstairs as quiet as I can. “If it’s not our ungrateful child! Good morning sweetie.” my mother’s voice rang through the empty hallways, dripping with sarcasm. “Oh my goodness! What are you wearing? You look like someone being robbed!” my mother said, voice too high pitched for my liking. I gave her a fake smile “It’s cold outside mom..”. My mother shook her head, brushing off what I just said, “You’re just like your disgusting father. Giving useless excuses!”. I sigh softly on what she said. Of course she’ll blame it on me again. She’s always like this, finding any way just to make sure she can hurt somebody even if it’s her own flesh.
I let out a small shrieked when an arm wrap around my waist and a laughter rang next to my ears. “Baekhyun stop doing that!” I groan and glare at him, hitting his arm. The man just laugh while hugging me again “Come on kitten. Still not getting used to it?” Baekhyun ask, enjoying my reaction. I rolled my eyes as I pushed him away, “If only you’re not my bestfriend, I already kick your balls Baek.” I said while smirking softly. Baekhyun just laughed while holding me again “Ohh feisty aren’t we?” teased by the idiot. I scoff while letting him hold me.
Baekhyun and I know each other when he spotted me sitting alone on the bench in the rooftop. At first I have my walls up for him but this man has his own ways warming other people’s heart and magically, it worked on me. Baekhyun is really cheerful, he’s like a ball of sunshine, a very opposite of me. Maybe that’s why our friendship work, he’s always there when I needed him though I felt guilty when I have to hide what I really feel. I don’t like worrying him, heck I don’t like being a burden to him. He’s such a great guy and the least I can do is to be a good friend for him. I blink my eyes rapidly when Baekhyun clapped his hands in front of me. “Wake up buttercup and quit staring at my beautiful face.” Baekhyun said while walking us to our class, pulling me closer to him. I forgot to say, this idiot love skinship and surprisingly he only does it with me. I rolled my eyes on what he said.
“Let’s have a lunch at the rooftop~”
“We always eat there Baek.”
Baekhyun and I arrive at our usual place. The place where we spend the rest of the lunch time throwing banters at each other, talking nonsense and mostly, where I can always be myself. Where I don’t have to worry about getting judge for being who I am.
“Baek?” I called out softly. Baekhyun hums softly, indicating his listening at me. “Do you think I can always be free like birds?” I asks, voice small without looking at him. Baekhyun strokes my hair softly which warms my heart, “Of course kitten.” I smiled slight at the thought of it. “Is there something wrong buttercup?” Baekhyun asks again, worried visible in his voice. I quickly shook my head and gave him my best innocent look. To that, Baekhyun smiled and proceeded to eat his lunch again. How many times did I lie to him? Four? Five times? I suppressed a sigh at my thoughts. I look at Baekhyun talking happily about something which makes my heart warms at this sight of him. He looks so happy and that’s all I wanted for him, to be happy.
“Baek..” I called again making the guy stop talking and turns to look at me with his puppy eyes look. “Can you promise me one thing?” I asks and the guy scrunched his nose cutely. I chuckle to that. “Depends~” he said cutely, almost teasingly. I pursed my lips a bit, “Can you promise to be always be happy for me?”. Baekhyun look at me weirdly. “Please baek? Pleaseee?” I pleaded cutely because I know this guy is weak for my aegyo. Baekhyun laugh softly and nodded his, “Alright alright”. I giggle and hug him, unconsciously tight, as if I’m memorizing what and how it feels. And that’s exactly what I’m doing.
“You useless girl!” my mother screams, hitting my back. “How hard it is to get a perfect grade huh!?” another hit. I bite my lips hard, refusing to cry because I know she’ll feed on that. If I will let myself crumbled in front of her then that means she succeeded. Succeeded of seeing me weak, of making me weak. I close my eyes tight as I let her abused me, until she had enough just like before. And just like before, my father came home saving me from my abusive mother and telling me to clean up myself.
I get inside my room and lock the door like how I always do. I take a sit on the floor and lean my back on the door. I let out a soft cry and immediately covers my mouth. My vision blurry when I take it, hands aren’t trembling anymore unlike before, unlike the first time I did it. I still remember how it felt, how it kiss my skin the moment I sink it. I felt relief, my exhaustion swept out of my body in almost like a blissful way and that’s exactly what I felt right now.
Baekhyun arrive at the school alone without her presence and the guy immediately felt empty. He was so used of her presence, so used to seeing her waiting at the gate for him so they can get inside the school together. She didn’t even called him to let him know that she won’t be attending the school, the guy thought as he make his way to his usual seat, put his bag on the empty seat beside him to let the others know that it’s occupied. Baekhyun doesn’t like it when other girls started hitting on him just because she wasn’t here and just like before, Baekhyun does all his best to keep his mind occupied.
“Pick it up..” Baekhyun mumbles softly, running his hand through his hair and messing it up. Baekhyun glance at his watch, only 30 minutes left before the break ends, he thought. Baekhyun cursed softly as the call got directed to her voicemail. And before Baekhyun knew it, he was taking his things from his class and proceeded to run, out of the school and let his feet take him to where he hope she would be. The guy knew what he was doing and he also knew that her not answering his calls are not her, he knew something was up. Baekhyun badly hope she was doing fine.
Baekhyun stop in his tracks when he saw her, going out of her house carrying some empty bottles of beer. The guy furrowed his eyebrows deeply, she’s not the type to drink, he thought to himself. Baekhyun called her name softly making her stop from throwing the bottles in the trash can and slowly look at him. Her eyes are bloodshot, she has gotten so thin, face looks so pale and some bruise visible on her body from her thin clothes. Baekhyun slowly made his way to her, holding her shoulders, he studied her from head to toe and Baekhyun felt his heart clenched painfully.
“What happen buttercup?” he asks softly, gaze lock on her once beautiful eyes, now dull and empty. “Baekhyun what are you doing here?” she answered his question, a question, voice frantic as she look around, hoping her mother won’t get out. Baekhyun furrowed his eyebrows in frustrate, frustrated because of her lack of response. “What happen?” he repeated again, this time holding her face and making her look at him.
Her eyes filled themselves with water, lips trembling as she look at him. She wanted to scream for help, she wanted to tell him that she’s not okay but despite that she wanted to lie and tell him the opposite, that she’s perfectly fine, that she’s doing well. But she had enough, for once she wanted to be save, she wanted to be rescued.
“Baekhyun I’m tired..” her voice cracking at the end, her strong facade finally crumbled in front of him, “I can’t do it anymore..” her tears that she well hidden from him started falling like a raindrops. “Save me..” she whispers, voice weak.
Baekhyun quickly hug her tightly, eyebrows furrowed because of what she said. God how can he be so stupid? How come he didn’t notice it? Those unusual questions, those looks she always give him every time they parted, as if she doesn’t want to go home. Baekhyun shush her gently, holding her as if he was trying to protect her, protecting her from the people that cause her to become like this. She was crying, sobbing into his chest now, and Baekhyun felt his chest ache, he can hear his heart shattering.
“What are you doing with my daughter?” a woman said. Baekhyun pulled away in reflect, looking at the woman at the door. Baekhyun immediately felt how his bestfriend flinch and his eyes shoot to her. She carefully place her right hand on his arm and hold it tightly, Baekhyun swore he saw bandages on her right wrist which makes him send her a worried look.
“Sweetheart didn’t I tell you not to talk to strangers?” her mother’s voice filled with sarcasm, smiling sweetly at her as her mother make her way to her, eyes looking straight to her. She flinched again, this time hiding to Baekhyun and the guy quickly hide her behind him. “Come here.” her mother said, holding out her hand for her. She quickly shook her head, fresh tears swimming in her eyes and ready to fall.
Her mother laugh, hands still holding out for her as she said “You’re being ridiculous now sweetie. Come here.” “I don’t want to mom..” her voice small but it’s enough for her mother’s stupor brake in front of her. “You stupid child! I said come here!” her mother yells, pulling her away from Baekhyun by the hair. “Baekー” she cried, hands reaching out towards him. Baekhyun quickly grabs her by the waist, strong enough for her mother to let go of her. “You’re not taking her anywhere.” he thundered, eyes cold as ice. “Ha!” her mother laugh, “and who do you think you are huh? Trying to be a hero for my stupid and nothing for good daughter?” “The only stupid and nothing for good here is you. I can’t believe a mother like you would say such things like that to her daughter, an amazingly good person like her.” Baekhyun said, glaring at the woman in front of him while stroking the fragile girl’s back. The woman felt her blood boils by what he said and immediately held up her hand but before she can slap him, Baekhyun catch her wrist quickly, “Touch me or her again and I swear you’ll never see light again.” he said, tone cold and hard.
“Let’s go.” Baekhyun said, looking at her teary eyes. “Where?” she asks softly as she clung to him. Baekhyun smile at the gesture, “Home.” he said softly, wiping the remaining tears in her eyes.
“Baekhyun you don’t have to..” I said softly, looking at him taking his first aid kit. “No..” he said softly, eyes looking straight at me which makes me shut up quickly. I look at him walking towards me, questions swimming in his eyes as he take a seat in front of me. Baekhyun smile slightly, “Give me your hand buttercup.” he said which makes me fidget in my seat as I hesitantly give him my hand.
“Baek––” my words were cut when he gave me a stern look. I bite my lips tightly as Baekhyun started pulling my sleeves upwards, revealing my scars to him. Thousands of thoughts running inside my head as I look at Beakhyun’s reaction. Baekhyun just keep his mouth shut, eyebrows furrowed as he clean my wrist, not once letting out any words. Is he mad? Is he upset? Is he disgusted? I thought as I keep my eyes at him, watching him take care of my wrist and getting up to put the first aid kit away.
I felt like crying again. Baekhyun made his way back to his seat. “I’m sorry buttercup..” he mutter and I frown in confusion as I look at him. “For what? You didn’t do anything wrong Baek..” I squeeze his arm gently which makes him look at me and Baekhyun shake his head in reflect, hands holding on mine as he said, “I’m sorry for not being there when you need be.. I’m sorry for not noticing it sooner.” I felt my heart crushed on what he said, my breath being stuck in my throat. “It’s not your fault.. It’s mine..” I squeak a bit. Baekhyun gave me a confused look this time, “What do you mean?” he asks and I sigh softly as I said, “It was my own choice not to tell you.”
“Then why? You know I am always ready to listen to you love..” Baekhyun squeeze my hand that is on his arm softly, my heart flutters on what he said and my eyes filled themselves with fresh tears. I sniffed softly, head hanging down, “I-I don’t want to burden you.. I just… I just want to see you happy..” I croaked out softly.
“Oh love.” Baekhyun gathers me in his arm and make me sit on his lap, pulled me to his chest and let my face hide on his neck. I sniffed softly as I cling to him as if my life depend on him. “You’re not a burden to me and will never be buttercup. I want you to believe that. You believe on oppa right sweetie?” he whispers softly which makes my insides warm. I nod my head timidly. I look at him when he pulled away, cupping my cheeks in his soft hands and wiping my tears. “Good.” he said and look at my eyes, “Talk to me okay cupcake? And let me take care of you.” Baekhyun mutters softly, enough for me to hear it and enough for my heart to palpitate. “B-But––” “Please buttercup?” he pleaded softly. I look at him, eyes full of adoration and willingness to protect me, I smile softly, genuinely, as I nod my head softly.
“I promise you won’t get hurt again love.”
Living with Baekhyun is amazing. Though at first, it wasn’t easy because I wasn’t use of being taken care of. Baekhyun does baby steps when it comes to me. He make sure I felt home but he also make sure that he wasn’t overdoing it because he knows that I prefer him treating me as me and not some fragile gir, he will always talk to me, he will always asks me how am I’m doing or if I’m feeling better which makes me happy because I know that it makes him happy.
There are times that Baekhyun would joke as if nothing happen and on those times it makes me happy, not just because of his stupid joke but because of him. I don’t know when my heart started beating crazily for him or when my eyes started seeing him as him and not as my bestfriend. My heart would jump especially when he held me every single night that I sleep, on nights that my mother’s face would hunt me, or just when he hug me. My heart would flutter when he get inside my bed with his bed hair, cute smile and him carrying a breakfast.
Just like before, I woke up to Baekhyun carrying our favorite food inside my room. “Good morning buttercup.” he said while smiling charmingly. I smile shyly as I squeak a bit “Good morning.” Baekhyun chuckles softly, lights from the curtain shines on him which makes him look beautiful, even more. My heart beats fast, thankful that he can’t hear it. “I cook your favorite.” he said as he take a sit on bed, his hand resting on my ankle. “And your favorite too..” I puffed my cheeks slight which makes Baekhyun grin handsomely and nods his head softly.
Both of us started eating, comfortable silence filled the air. I munch my food quietly, Baekhyun clears his throat slight when makes me look at him. I shot him a confused look, he look nervous, I thought to myself. “What is it Baek? Do you want to asks me something?” I ask, voice cutting through his stupor. Baekhyun quickly shake his head. I sigh softly as I said again “Just ask Baek.” Baekhyun gulps a bit, his adam’s apple bobbing down his throat, “I-I just want to ask about what happen to you..” he stutter slight which makes him look cute.
Normally I would answer him I’m fine because it’s the truth but I know that he didn’t meant the me in present but the me in past. Baekhyun fidget on his seat slight, “Y-You don’t have to answer it.” he stutter again and I quickly shake my head making him shut his mouth with a pout.
“I was a kid when she started telling me that I need to be better at this and that. I thought that she was just doing it for me to become better in the future but it got to the point where I become older, she started looking down on me. Telling me I don’t look good or I shouldn’t wear this and that.” I smile bitterly at the thought of my mother. Baekhyun hold my hand and squeeze it gently. “And then she started fighting with my father, accusing him of cheating on her, scream at him until he leave the house and the cycle repeats. if she’s tired of my father, she would come at me, started abusing me because she saw my imperfect grades or simply the imperfect me.” I continued, hard gaze pointing on the white sheets.
“That time all I was thinking is that, I wanted to end it, I wanted to escape on the darkness that surrounded me. So every time she hurt me is the time I draw on my skin.” I utter softly, not realizing that I have been crying already until Baekhyun hug me, tight and secure, as if he’s telling me that I’ll be fine. “I’m sorry buttercup. I’m so sorry you have to go through that awful life.” he said softly, hands stroking my hair. Awful indeed but there’s only one that highlights in it, and it was meeting Baekhyun. I clung to him tightly in reflect. “You don’t deserve it sweetie. You’re such an amazing person be it inside or outside. Heck you are even funny! God just the way you laugh is enough for a person to laugh as well or just you being you.” Baekhyun pulled away, cupping my cheeks and his eyes looking straight at me.
I felt my heart jump inside it’s cage. I bit my lips as I look at him, his eyes shooting straight to my lips. I flushed softly. “You’re beautiful buttercup, you don’t need to change just to fit on what others wanted. Just you is enough sweetie.” he continued. “Baekhyun––” “The first time I have seen you on that rooftop, I swear to myself that I will not let you lose out my sight. I don’t know what it was but I guess it’s your personality that makes me attract to you or–– just you being you. When I saw your wrist, the way your mother treated you and when I heard what you said, it makes me mad. I don’t want you to go through that again.” he said, voice filled with so much love that I almost felt my inside burst.
“Baekhyun..” I utter his name softly. Baekhyun smiles softly as he stroke my cheeks, eyes filled with so much adoration. “We have known each other for so long even inside and outside but maybe I must’ve been great at hiding my feelings.” he chuckles softly at my reaction, red cheeks and timid face. “I like you––Actually no, I love you buttercup. Will you give me the honor of becoming your partners in crime for lifetime?” he asks, tone nervous and unsure. I sniffed softly as I look at him, happy tears flowing out of my eyes, “I do.” I said softly, tonce clear despite of me crying.
“Does that means you’re marrying me?” he asks, face look surprised. I laugh softly as I nod my head quickly. “You’re the one who said that we have known each other for so long. What’s the point of being a girlfriend or boyfriend then?” I said, grinning cutely at him. Baekhyun grins back as well. I gasped softly when his soft pillows envelop mine, he nip my upper lips softly and slowly pull away, “I promise I will protect you my love.” he murmurs between our lips.
I smile softly at what he said. “I know you will.” I murmur as well, “I love you too Baek.” I said and at that, Baekhyun captures my lips again, making me know that he meant his words and I believe him because I know he will. On that small but meaningful gesture, my heart flutters and my stomach filled with butterflies.
On that day, I have the reason to keep fighting, to keep living and it’s because of him and on that day, I know that my heart will continue to beat for him–– for Baekhyun.
