Steve saw Natasha's hand reaching for him and turned so his back was to her with a growl.
"Steve," Tony sighed in his arms. He sounded tired. "You're drunk."
"Am not," Steve said. It only slurred off his tongue a little. He adjusted his arms around Tony and settled him more firmly in his lap. "Not possible."
"You and Thor have been knocking back Asgardian mead for two hours," Tony said, tipping his head back to frown sternly at him.
Steve did not like when Tony frowned sternly at him. He leaned down to pepper his face with kisses, because Tony never frowned when he did that.
"Steve, maybe wait until you get back to your room?" Bruce tried kindly. "Tony, could you maybe--"
Steve growled and turned again. "Go 'way."
"Steve, you can't get jealous just because one of our other friends is talking to me," Tony chided, frowning at him again.
"I'm not jealous," Steve said. He noticed a hand reaching from around him and snarled, turning to snap at it with his teeth.
Natasha grabbed his face tightly, and he whimpered as she glared down at him. "Did you just try and bite me?"
Steve took a moment to think about it. He was in a very precarious position, probably. She could snap his neck. But! He had a stronger neck than she was used to. Maybe it would be fine. "Nnno," he answered slowly. Just because it might be fine, he was pretty sure Tony wouldn't like it if he had to watch him be murdered.
"Go to bed, Steve," Natasha told him. There was a threat in her tone maybe? Steve couldn't be sure. Her face was blurry.
"...Only if I can take Tony," he decided.
Tony swiveled his head to glare at him. "Of course I'm going with you. The novelty of me getting to take care of you is not lost on me."
Steve immediately popped to his feet, swinging Tony up into his arms like a princess. Prince? He stared at Tony's shocked face for a moment, then nodded firmly. Yes.
"What the fuck are you talking about," Tony sighed, exasperated.
Steve wasn't sure he was talking about anything. "I should eat something," he finally decided.
Tony patted his chest, shaking his head fondly. "I can order pizza."
"I think I'll eat you," Steve plowed on, headed toward the elevator, but didn't make it very far before Tony want back to frowning at him sternly. "Vitamin D."
"WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT," Tony bellowed, and Thor yanked Tony from Steve's arms before Tony could thump him soundly about the head.
Steve scowled up at Thor's blurry face. "Give him back." He put up his fists. "Or else. He's mine."
"I hate it here," Tony sighed as Thor passed him over to Natasha so they could start punching each other. "I should just leave them here."
"Maybe we should order that pizza," Natasha said, easing him down onto his feet, as Steve and Thor fended off the sudden broom attack that Clint went at them with.