He tore into his pack of Collectible Family Members Trading Cards and got the following: one deadbeat dad, two creepy uncles, one wino aunt, a snitch little sister, and a racist grandma. He sighed. He already had all of those before even collecting the cards.

“I swear, I bought them just last week! Don’t throw them away!” I yelled at my girlfriend. She shook her head. “Nice try, hoarder. They discontinued Apple Jacks in the early aughts.” “Check the expiration date.” She turned the box over. I grinned as reality dawned on her.

“This is the future I saw!” yelled Wallace. He turned and slammed the door, locking and chaining it shut. “We’re going to die!” Jenny opened the window and shot two silver slugs into the crazed werewolf. It fell over, dead. “You were saying?” “Oh god, this must happen again!”

No way in hell he was getting replaced again, the caravan guard thought as he tore out the last of the robot's wire. There. Completely inoperable. “Bill?” The leader’s teenage son gaped at him from the doorway. Damn. He liked the kid too, he thought as he grabbed a nearby wrench.

The bailiff brought a tiny candle and match. With one strike, the wick was lit. “You have until the flame dies to give your defense,” said the judge. “And then?” “Then I give judgment and render your sentence under cover of darkness.” I gulped. “Couldn’t this wait until morning?

“You know, some would say that the cure should not be worse than the disease.” “Have you ever had interdimensional space lice, Kody?” asked Dr. Sapkota. “Never, sir.” “Then I ask that you let me do the worrying for this patient,” he said, tightening the vice by a few more turns.

“Okay, hear me out,” said Miss Plastic. “We make a giant bag and wrap it around the world! Then when everyone is having trouble breathing, we demand a ransom!” A collective sigh resonated across the table. “Can we uninvite her to next year’s Villain-Con?” asked Captain Strife.

The gardener set down his clippers. “Finally! I have completed my labyrinth!” “It’s more a hedge maze, innit?” “No, mazes are children’s puzzles in activity books.” “Pretty sure labyrinths are underground.” “They don’t have to be!” “If it’s any consolation, it’s a lovely maze.”

Agent Brown spat the toothpaste on the ground. It baffled him as to why his torturer cared so much about his oral hygiene, but he’d certainly endured worse. “Well, Mr. Brown? Will you talk?” “Of course not.” “Very well. Jerry, bring out the gallon of orange juice and a funnel.”

“I’d like to return this cursed necklace.” “What’s wrong with it?” “It’s too cursed? It tries to absorb all my blood, rather than some of it. I was hoping it would save me money on leeches. It’s no good if it tries to kill me.” “Unfortunately, that doesn’t come under warranty.”

“I’m sorry, but that’s not how you spell kumquats. Please sit down.” She huffed as she put her wand away, glaring at the little bowl of fruits. She hadn’t known what a kumquat was, much less how to enchant one. Was it a berry? Or perhaps some sort of citrus? A tiny tomato, maybe

The wraith-wolves surrounded him, warming him in a sea of smoky tendrils and fur. He pet their heads, cooed at them, named them, and said how good they were. But one day he’d have to be rid of them. For wraith-wolves lived off hatred, and, eventually, he’d have to let go of his.

“What is this?” Darius asked. Inaya gestured at the mass of cogs and scrap. “It’s a physical manifestation of our relationship! When we have an issue, we’re going to work on it.” “I don’t even know how it works.” “Nobody does, at first. But when you know, you know.”

Night brushed the moon and stars into her daughter’s golden hair and smiled. “One day, Dawn, I will reach my twilight years, and you will succeed me.” Dawn frowned. “You won’t leave me, though. Right?” “Of course not, child. I will always be around you, one way or another.”