So even when people theoretically understand me to be a dude, there are a lot of them who kind of seem to still place me in the “girl” or “women and femmes” (ugh) box for certain forms of gendered interactions. This seems to happen to me more with women than with other men. At least with straight men, but it seems like most gay men I actually spend time with also put me (where I belong) in the man box. Though admittedly, I may also just be being put in the ??? box, because I am a very gender non-conforming man and the social script for that is a little up in the air.
In any case, I’ve noticed that oftentimes when interacting with women there are kinds of-- it’s not that I think women are bitchy or competitive, but I do think there’s a weird sort of awareness of physical appearance and presentation and what not that’s part of what’s included in the *~*~*~*cultural model of woman/girlhood or whatever*~*~*~* and even if you’re countering it, and trying to undermine that norm, it’s a factor in your thinking I guess? Like all women are sort of automatically entered in this big, horrible, eternal beauty contest, and you may or may not want to participate and may in fact be doing your best to sabotage the whole competition, but the whole world is constantly screaming your score at you, and so whether you want to be in or not, you kind of are in some way or another engaged with that system, whether you are ignoring it, participating, or undermining it or whatever, there’s an interaction happening.
Anyway, so like I’m in the beauty contest, even though I have been entered by mistake, do not belong here, and am profoundly uncomfortable with and embarrassed by the whole thing. And now I am also not saying I am the most stunningly beautiful creature on earth or anything, but I present a certain way, which is hyper-feminine and very “done” a lot of the time and because of the beauty contest that society has forced women and for some reason me (and presumably many other people who do not belong there) to participate in that does seem to lead to my presence having certain emotional ramifications for women in particular that feel deeply gendered and deeply weird because I’m just like “I’m not even supposed to be here.”