*cancels plans* sorry i can’t come i’m ugly

brain: do you have your wallet?

me: *slaps my ass so hard everyone in the target can hear it*

me: yeah

When I hear police sirens getting closer

drink some water you beautiful and capable but dehydrated bitch

Me, on Earth:

the smell of Home Depot is cathartic

fairies live in the lights & chandeliers section, gnomes live in the outdoor gardening department

Stop romanticizing home depot

pixies live in the paint aisle. fuck you

It’s the gift that keeps on giving. Comic by http://theawkwardyeti.com/

“Who’s influenced you the most in your life?” “My principal, Ms. Lopez.” “How has she influenced you?” “When we get in trouble, she doesn’t suspend us. She calls us to her office and explains to us how society was built down around us. And she tells us that each time somebody fails out of school, a new jail cell gets built. And one time she made every student stand up, one at a time, and she told each one of us that we matter.”

friend of the day! meet handsom roundboy desert rain frog!

he lick!

he yell!

he round!

he grump!

he squish!

he run!

gone!

goodbye!!!!

an important psa

Riley always checks to see if you are as happy to go on a walk as she is 💖

I’M LAUGHING SO HARD OH MY GOD

ME

“how’s your semester going?”

sometimes I’m like “my therapist doesn’t really tell me anything I don’t already know” but then I remember that I used to eat scrambled eggs every single morning because I hated them but I hated them less than I hate all other breakfast food on weekdays (don’t @ me waffles are a weekend food and they Do Not start me on a productive path) and my therapist said, “why not eat a lunch food?”

and I said, “explain”

and she said, “you know you’re allowed to eat whatever food you want in the morning. you are not bound by law to the traditional american breakfast.”

my father’s insurance pays a hundred dollars an hour for a woman to give me permission to eat a pb&j at six in the morning 

Why is it on Tumblr Mobile™ you can close the app and open it 3 days later and still be on the same spot of your dash, but then other times you switch out of the app to respond to a text, and when you immediately come back, it’s gone, your family is gone, your house is gone, your dignity is gone.