Nurture Relationships (b.b.)
Summary: Bucky comes to your apartment every time he has a nightmare. but why can’t he seem to own up to the feelings he has for you?
AN: inspired by the first episode of fatws! possible spoilers if you haven’t seen the episode yet! i’m also on a bucky kick sooo i’m sorry
and not all dialogue is gonna be 100% accurate obviously and quick PSA: this was thrown into my publishing schedule so the two evan buckley requests will be out during the week!! xx
After everyone had come back from the blip, chaos became a pattern that everyone became used too. Everyone was having a hard time adjusting to half the population coming back after five years. But no one was struggling more than Bucky.
Bucky Barnes was always used to a fight and having to fight for something. Without that, he was left alone rather often with his never ending cycle of demons.
Even before the blip, you had tried to bring some form a peace. Even if it were only for a moment. Bucky took a strong liking to you, and you to him, when he met you in Germany. You quickly became a fascination to him as he spent more time with you. But it was quickly cut short when he went to Wakanda and went back under.
You were reunited under poor circumstances and even that reunion came to a screeching halt when you were both victims of Thanos’ snap. Everyone was brought back and it seemed like you were falling into a sense of normalcy.
You kept in constant contact with Bucky, making it your mission that he was adjusting to civilian life as best he could. But normal soon included Bucky sneaking into your bed in the middle of the night due to his nightmares.
Bucky didn’t know what it was, but he felt safe with you. He felt safe when he knew you were lying right next to him and you never turned him away. You let him bring you as close as he could as if you were his security blanket. Once he did that, the nightmares stopped for the night.
For the past week, Bucky had been woken up by the nightmares and made the short walk to your apartment to find solace in your bed next to you. And never once did you complain, but you did worry.
Bucky had used the key you gave him and let himself into your apartment. It was around two in the morning and he did his best to remain quiet as he entered your bedroom.
The sound of your front door opening woke you up and you knew it was Bucky, so you moved over to make space for him in your bed. That was a detail that Bucky had noticed when he entered your room.
He took off his jacket, shirt and shoes, and climbed into the side of the bed. You rolled over to look at him, moving closer to clearly see his face.
“This is the third night this week, Bucky. Are you okay?” You asked softly. He just simply nodded his head, avoiding your gaze as he did so. You knew that he wasn’t okay. The things he did as the Winter Solider still haunted him every day, especially at night when he closed his eyes.
Rather than pushing him and trying to further the conversation, you moved to place a kiss on his forehead before rolling over to go to sleep.
Bucky’s arm snaked around your waist and pulled you extremely close to his body before he himself fell sound asleep.
The next morning, Bucky woke up to you not in the bed next to him. Usually you were always there when he woke up but this time you weren’t. He got out of the bed and walked out into the hallway and saw you standing at the counter with two mugs, pouring water into them.
“Good morning.” You greeted him with a warm smile. “Morning, doll.” He replied. “Would you like some tea?” You offered. “That’d be great, thank you.” Bucky said.
You passed him one of the mugs and sat next to him at the counter. “Buck, we gotta talk about what’s going on. Three nights in a row you’ve had nightmares, so bad you’ve had to come here. Do you want to talk about it?” You asked.
“I’m fine, Y/N. They’re just some nightmares.” He said. “Bucky, they’re not just nightmares. You can’t even sleep in your own apartment anymore.” You rebutted. “I said I’m fine, okay?” Bucky said, his tone slightly rising.
Bucky didn’t mean to react so harshly. You were just worried about him and you cared about him. You didn’t like seeing him in so much pain.
“Okay, Bucky.” You sighed, getting up from your seat. “I have to get ready for Steve’s honoring at the Smithsonian.” You added. Bucky could see that he had disappointed you or scared you. Something that had changed your attitude completely.
“Y/N,” He started. “It’s okay, Buck. I’ll see you later.” You cut him off, retreating back into your bedroom. Bucky kicked himself for how he lashed out at you.
He looked at the clock on the wall and saw he had to be at therapy soon. Bucky debated whether or not he wanted to leave things unsaid and at such an uncertain point but when he heard the sound of the shower, he knew it had to wait.
Bucky sat on the couch, staring straight ahead at Dr. Raynor. “So, James, have you been having more nightmares?” The woman asked. There was a long pause, the man wondering if he should be honest or if he should lie. He chose the latter.
“No.” He answered. “James, we’ve been doing this long enough I can tell when you’re lying.” She replied. “How is Y/N?” She added. That piqued Bucky’s interest, his head moving to look at the Dr. Raynor. “Why would you ask about Y/N?” Bucky questioned. “Because you’ve said she makes you feel safe, right? Why haven’t you furthered your relationship?” She asked. “Because I’m me. Y/N has been through a lot already she doesn’t need anything to complicate it.” Bucky replied.
“That’s utter bullshit. And you know it. You’re afraid to further your relationship with her. Because of all the loss you’ve faced, you don’t want to lose her.” Dr. Raynor said. “James, you’re free. You have a chance at peace and you’re not taking it. Y/N can give you peace. Sure, she’s been through a lot but so have you. Who says you can’t heal together?” She added.
Bucky wasn’t one to show how he’s really feeling about something so once Dr. Raynor was met with the same stoic expression, she moved on. But throughout the entire session, his mind wandered to you.
Dr. Raynor was right. He was afraid to solidify his relationship with you because he was afraid to lose you like he had lost everyone else. Steve told him to be happy and he knew all along that happiness was with you. You were his chance to try to live a normal life. But he wasn’t allowing himself to have it.
Later that night, when he knew you were home from D.C., Bucky stood outside your apartment, building up the courage to knock. You knew he was out there. You could hear him whispering to himself, saying to just knock on the door.
You opened your door and Bucky stopped pacing. “You have a key, you know.” You commented. “I know but it didn’t feel right using it after this morning.” He said.
Moving aside to let him in, Bucky slowly entered the oh so familiar space of your apartment.
“I’m sorry about lashing out at you. I know you ask because you’re worried and you care about me. A part of me didn’t want you to care so much because then I would find a way to fall out of love with you. Mainly because I’m afraid that I’ll lose you again and I don’t know if I’d be able to survive that.” Bucky confessed.
“Buck, you won’t lose me. You’ll never lose me, not anymore. Thanos is gone. There are no more Infinity stones, we’re okay. And I know because of your past you won’t let yourself be happy but a part of forgiving yourself, is accepting the fact that it wasn’t you who hurt those people. It was your body, yes, but it wasn’t your mind. And I love you despite your flaws because that’s what love really is.” You told him.
Bucky wasn’t sure he heard you correctly when you said you loved him. No one had said those words to him in years and it coming from you felt like it was too good to be true.
“What did you say?” He asked. “I said I love you James Bucky Barnes and I’m going to spend a very long time doing that. Filling the void until you can learn to love yourself.” You answered.
Bucky didn’t say anything at first, wanting to make sure it was actually real. He took a couple steps towards you and kissed you deeply. Sure he was a bit rusty after not having kissed anyone since 1943 but it was the fact that he was showing compassion towards someone was what meant the most.
“You’re going to be okay, James. I promise.” You whispered, resting your forehead against his. “We, are going to be okay, doll.” Bucky replied.
