my favorite thing about dracula is that in original folktales vampires bit their victims on the chest but bram STOKER, not wanting it to be SEXY, moved it to the NECK because he’s a dumb homo repressed idiot

… wait, he moved it to the neck to be less sexy?

i’m bram stoker, i’m protestant or whatever the fuck and tired of being in sexy thot ireland

these people need to know what sins of the flesh can lead to. time to write a whole book about biting i guess

to all of the jewish people that may be reading this, i hope you and your families are safe today. i hope that you are able to grieve with your community and hold on to each other and hold each other up. 

i am thinking of you all. i am thinking of our communities and our people. 

אנחנו נתגבר ונשרוד גם את זה.

me: immune system why do i have a fever

immune system: well the bacteria can’t survive outside 37 degrees for long so i thought i’d raise the temperature to kill them off!

me: 

immune system:

me: 

immune system:

me: we also can’t survive outside 37 degrees for long

immune system:

He snapped

Please don’t appropriate uwu culture if you can’t even “h-hewwo…? is anybody thewe? I’m…scawwed…OwO” properly, it’s really insensitive and we’re already experiencing enough intolerance and oppression as it is

How jocks tell time

Regular person: oh it’s 3:13  Jock: do you mean 3 days 16 hours 26 minutes and approximately 32 seconds before THE BIG GAME?

i went to the met today

kids who were forced to be catholic and go to private school culture is being obsessed with biblical and catholic imagery even though youre not religious anymore

me: fuck catholicism it ruined my life

a piece of clothing: is gold and has jesus on it or something

me:

UM IM STILL CATHOLIC BUT THATS A FAT MOOD

so you just gon bring me a comment saying big mood but youre still catholic on my anticatholicism post about being anticatholic with a comment saying youre catholic on my anticatholic post with a catholic comment

mortician: *cutting my corpse open* *finds the “Hope You’re Having A Good Day My Hard Working Mortician :-)’ note i swallowed for them just before i died* what the fuck

“Not all at once ladies :)” I say to the rats that bite my ankles

mastercheif, it’s cortana. Your FREE windows 10 upgrade is ready!

Grown ass men still smoking cigarettes. Snort cocaine like the rest of us Coward