#why is he like this

being “playfully rude” doesnt really work if u like.... arent friends in the first place

So tonight I joined my parents, and the neighbours, at the local pub quiz. We won, and won the bonus round, much to the annoyance of the other teams. Apparently my parents and their friends win every other week. Nerds. So to prank them the landlord had a special “Super Hard Pub Question” for us for double or nothing on our prize (vouchers for a gallon of beer) to let the rest of the pub feel better because we were “guaranteed to lose” since there was “no way we could know the answer.” I got picked to answer it because I’m the youngest and have less General Knowledge.

The question?

“What is the word for beer in Ancient Egyptian?”

Pub: *loud raucous laughter and cheering*

Landlord: *looks smug*

Me: Do you want that in English or in the original Hieroglyphs?

Landlord: The hieroglyphs of course!

Pub: *more laughter*

Me: *scribbles quickly in the 10 seconds I had to answer*

Landlord: Fuck. Me. 

Pub: *utter silence broken only by someone at the back exclaiming WTF* 

Landlord: How did you even know that?

Me: You picked the one person here who can read them?

Landlord: Oh shit it’s you isn’t it?

Dad yelling from the back: SURPRISEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

It’s safe to say we’re simultaneously fucking legends/not very popular at the local right now.

This is my new favorite post.

we joke and jest but there’s literally nothing more ‘monkey brain’ than the primal urge to climb things

me: *sees any tall structure with features that i could use to scale it*

monkey brain: CLIMB. ASCEND. SCURRY UP THE BOUGHS OF THIS TREE AND FIND A SUITABLE VANTAGE POINT TO STRATEGICALLY SURVEY YOUR SURROUNDINGS.

me: alright, i’m up. now how do i get down?

monkey brain: use tail to maintain balance and JUMP!

me: we don’t have a tail, remember? we evolved beyond it.

monkey brain:

Cowboys don’t roll joints.

They tumble weed.

jeff change your FUCKING url

scott lang, completely misunderstanding peter parker’s power: hey if u want man we could get tiny and just like hang out, i don’t know if you’ve ever been in a lego castle but it’s pretty sweet

peter parker: u have no idea how much physical pain having to turn this offer down is causing me but,

Scott Lang, upon realizing Peter Parker can’t shrink: oh okay no biggee, we’ll just make the LEGO castle big

Peter, ready to cry from joy: do you like Star Wars? Because I have a replica… and my friend Ned and I got it to fly…

Scott Lang, a mechanical engineer and nerd: kid you are my people

Tony, calling peter: …and may I know WHY THE HELL IS SHIELD CALLING ME ABOUT A LIFE-SIZED DEATH STAR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT?!

Peter: we didn’t want it to crush any buildings so we brought it out here!

Tony: THATS N O T MY POINT!!!

#and then Tony wonders when the hell HE became the responsible one#and promptly abandons his responsibilities#and jumps in his armor#to go zoom around the life size death star#pretending he’s Luke doing the trench run (via)

It got better!

I was gonna SAY, Tony would fly out there, look at the thing, and go…. No, this isn’t life size. Impressive though. Okay, bugs, put on these helmets, we’re taking this into orbit and doing this at 1:1 scale.

Sam: Barnes is gonna make an awesome Chewbacca.

Bucky: -.-

Guardians arriving back in Earth orbit for a visit: Rocket : When the **** did Earth get another moon? Peter Qull (with an indescribable look on his face, but knowing his entire life has built to this moment): That’s no moon!

OH MY FUCKING GOD

These are the kind of fucking MCU Avengers collab movies I would be willing to watch.

9am saturday morning: “i’ve got the whole day, i’m gonna get so much done”

1pm saturday afternoon: still in my pajamas, on my 4th cup of coffee, deep in thought about generic subversion, censorship, and post-colonialism in 2000 animated gay romance “the road to el dorado”

How to study when you are tired

if i die my funerals gonna be the biggest fucken party and you’re all invited 

if

great, the only party ive ever been invited to and he might not even die

if i don’t experience tenderness soon i’ll violently die