The curtain falls. LONG post.
…So. I bet you’re wondering why I called you all here… heh.
I HAVE A PROBLEM. AND I NEED TO FIX IT.
I’ll cut right to it, then, because I had other stuff going on all morning/day and have only just gotten settled in front of my computer, and now it’s a whole day after I’d originally planned to do this, and so I think the time has finally come to stop putting it off and just “say my thing.”
I’m here to announce that I will no longer be updating this blog, at least until further notice but obviously it could be longer. I hope that makes sense… sheez… anyway.
This was not an easy decision to make, darlings. I wanted to love this blog. I wanted to love blogging in general. And fandom. And shipping. I wanted to fill this blog with that crabby ginger tabby, Millicent, hence the name, and Kylux in particular, and all manner of Star Wars and Night Vale and Carry On and my favorite actors, and above all, I just wanted to have a good time.
Those very things have gotten me and my best friend in a rut, and we recognize that there is an issue. Not so very long ago, she and I became deeply invested in one particular actor, who I will not name but you are all smart enough to figure it out… and, quite honestly, the whole thing got extremely out of hand. She and I are in no danger of breaking our friendship; I simply mean that this actor has been seen living his life and making personal life choices that were in no way wrong but still left us feeling… well… left out. I’ll explain in the next paragraph. The main thing you must understand is this: We are taking a step back from having anything to do with this actor or his work, and that in itself may very well be temporary OR it may be permanent, the jury’s still out on that. More to the point, the depth of our emotional investment has truly gotten bad enough that we can no longer feel comfortable staying on Tumblr where the issue is perpetuated and exacerbates our negative feelings.
Now… to be frank, this whole thing that I’m doing started as an act of solidarity and loyalty to her, it wasn’t originally my pain or my issue, but the more I thought about it, the more I understood what I was dealing with and putting myself through. And I realized that in other ways, it WAS my pain and it WAS my issue, just not in the exact same way.
At this point, I’m not too prideful to admit I did something very irresponsible. A few things, actually. I can’t speak for her, but as I brought up to her the other night, I am starting to really blur the lines between fiction and reality. I was real-people-shipping, seeing no other pairing and preferring no other pairing except for my best friend and this actor, and it was causing terrible pain for both of us even though this actor had done nothing to us directly.
That isn’t all. I wasn’t much better in that regard. I’m protecting my best friend’s privacy a bit by not mentioning the name of the actor that she and I fell for… but I will mention a name that connects to my own situation.
That name is Carrie. When I started this blog, back in July of last year (hey, at least I made it past the first “birthday!”), I had only wanted to throw fandom stuff at it and see what looked good. And then, that December, when Carrie Fisher had her heart attack and passed away, the entire mood of the blog shifted and changed and never really went back to the way it originally was. I didn’t actually realize it had gotten that bad until many months into the vicious loop, when I only had to see a pic of Carrie or Leia to just feel so sad and heartbroken at her death all over again, even after I thought I had recovered. Before I knew it, I started to only go on Tumblr whenever I was feeling sad or anxious, not for the purpose of cheering myself up, but to stay sad instead. And that’s where I am now. This obsession with mourning Carrie, on top of the anxiety of blurred lines and worrying about sad friends has led me to feel very suffocated, anxious, and depressed on an almost constant basis, and I really don’t think it started being this bad until I got back into Tumblr. (This was my second account in over three years at the time I started it up.) To clarify: I am not blaming Carrie Fisher or any bloggers for my spiral. I’m saying I was starting to become as addicted to her as I was to this other actor.
I need to say something else that’s very important, and by not saying it sooner I hope I haven’t caused anyone to worry or feel bad. My best friend and I are safe. We are safe, our lives are not in danger, we are going to be okay. It is nobody’s fault on here. Nobody here did anything wrong. We (as in she and I) tend to dislike the general atmosphere, but this particular hardship is not related to anything that anyone here did specifically. By getting the heck out of here when we did, we prevented the problems we were both having from getting any worse.
I honestly think that does it for the main body. Onward now to the shout-outs and thank-yous. If I’m forgetting anyone, I am truly sorry! I love you ALL.
@skarsjoy: Oh, my dear friend. You are one of my favorite people, and even though I honestly didn’t reblog that much Alex while I was here, I know you understand that I’ve always appreciated everything you’ve done for me and for the Alex fandom. I’m on Twitter still, so we can still talk. Thank you for being such a wonderful friend. You’re so sweet, giving, and patient, and I love you dearly. I truly admire your willingness to post my reviews back in the day, and I just want you to know they’ll always be my favorite posts you’ve ever done. Keep on keepin’ on, and I’ll see you on the Twitt side.
@mixtapemasterjipc: Heyyyy, Jude. This is honestly one of the hardest parts of leaving this place. I have so many other people to thank, but you’re way way WAY up here because I just have so much to thank you for. In particular, what stands out to me is that time we watched Hungry Hearts together, and the time you came “running” to take care of me after that humongous sad post I wrote, and our first real life phone call together. “Girls” is still my favorite, and I’m so grateful you sent me season 3 for my birthday last year. I enjoy your wit, your big heart, and your knowledge. Thank you for coming to find me, and thank you for letting me in. I’m sorry for the tough stuff in the past. Let’s keep trying. Together. I ain’t goin’ anywhere for real, dude, like, seriously. Between Twitter and texting (and by the way, thank you for sending me your number!) you won’t exactly be able to get rid of me, so do. not. worry. I Love You.
@dxmi-illustrates: Hey you, thank you for talking with me when I first started hanging around this place. You’re a fantastic artist, and I hope that’ll continue to go well for you–I loved For Rent, especially. Good luck with all that, doll. Also, good luck with school!
@pidgy-draws: Sweetie, thank you for the chats. I’m happy I got to know you. You draw such cute art and I’m very proud of you! ^w^
@rebelwerewolf: I have a lot of respect for you. As a blogger, you have paid such loving respect to the Star Wars and Kylux fandoms, and as much good as you’ve done for this community, I hope that something wonderful happens to you too someday. Thank you.
@kyluxtrashbin: THANK YOU for my Christmas card! You’re so sweet and smart, and I’m happy to have known you for the short time I was here. I’ll write to you, sweetheart. Thank you.
@thegoodlannister: You just have such a sweet personality and I’m happy we’ve had the chats we did. You may not have ever known this but I started as a Stark and now I identify as a Lannister. You’ll hear my roar on some other distant shore, dude, I promise. Thank you.
@mintmintdoodles: You’re adorable and a darling, I love your freaking art, and I just really wanted to thank you for letting me use your Kylux + Millie chibi pic as my profile pic.
@elviscl: You’re incredibly awesome. You are an insanely talented artist, and I’m so happy the Kylux fandom has you. Keep on truckin, you. Thank you so much for letting me use that Kylux + Millie pic as my banner.
@deluxekyluxtrashcan: You’re a very talented writer, mah dude. Never give up. I love you. Thank you for the chats.
@flukeoffate: HEY LAYDEE. Thank you for the artwork you’ve done for me over the time I’ve been here. I’ll talk to you on FB still!!! Hope everything is going okay for ya. Love love!
@helliskylux: Where do I even start with you, my love? You have such a good heart, and gods I just hope wonderful things happen to you. Thank you for your friendship, and for all the love.
@minzimpression: I just think you are so talented and funny. Hotline Bling is such an amazing story, one of my most favorites. Thank you for your hard work and for talking to me. I fucking love you.
@teatimeinspace: You’re lovely! Thank you for your contributions to the Kylux fandom, and I wish you love and light and all good things.
@han-sulus: I really hope you’re doing okay. Thank you for your friendship. I love you so much.
@kylux-fic-hell: You’re awesome, and I love your fics! Never let your light die. Thank you for your work.
@hux-you-up: Your blog is epic, and I enjoyed following you! ^_^ Thank you.
@kyleauxwren: UGH YOU ARE AMAZING. I wish you all the best! Thank you for your contributions to the fandom and the art world!! My favorite thing was the Millie pins, but I’m absolutely floored by your other art! Congratulations on all your successes, and good luck with future ones!
@drxgonstone: It’s been a pleasure knowing you. I’ll never forget that one of the first things we talked about was how beautiful your account is (back when it was ohkylorens). And I honestly hate that I’m having to leave now, just when it’s all decked up in some of my new favorite things, Game of Thrones and JONAERYS. Dearly love ya, friend. Thank you.
@nightsofllyn! Words can’t express the level of respect and gratitude I feel for you. I absolutely adore Blue Milkshake, like you have no friggin idea, and I wish you all the best in continuing it. To be fair, I wish you the best in everything. You deserve it. Thank you for putting up with the ridiculous level of my fangirling. Love ya!
@wishfulfanficing and @missaliarman: First off, you’re so lovely to me, and I love that you’re a Leia fan. Second, my dear, I’m going to send you the Carrie mall fanfic when I’m done with it. Thank you so much for your email address; I look forward to keeping in contact off of this haunted hill. I LOVE YOU dearly.
@lenina-phasma: You’ll be hearing from me very soon, friendly friend. We did exchange emails. I’m not going to disappear. THANK YOU for your support. I’ll help you with Come Blow Your Horn anytime you need a nudge. I’m looking forward to The Sorceress and the Skeptic, too, cher. Mucho love.
@pinkyhuxy: SO MUCH PINK. Thank you for your contributions to the Kylux and Pink!Hux fandom. You’re a gem!
@chacharger: Like I don’t even know. I feel like such a complete creep for walking away from this place after you gave me the Carry On confession blog. I’m sorry for that, and I just wanted to say thank you again for giving me the opportunity to try to work on it. I hope everything goes well for you. <3
@darthastris: You’ve been so good to me in my time on this site, as well as on Twitter. I’m sorry that everything happened so suddenly. It’s going to take some time but I’m going to get back up on my feet eventually and move forward. I’m so grateful for your presence in my life, and I’m glad that I’ll still be able to communicate with you once I take my leave of this little corner of the “world.”
@bpdhux and @endoglenic: I have no words for the gratitude I feel toward both of you, for sticking by me as I go through a lot of changes all at once. I’m happy we get to continue talking over email; I think that makes this a lot easier.
@solohux: Little Lottie, darling, I’ve truly adored every interaction we have had since we became friends here. I will deeply, utterly miss you. We have had a lovely few months together, haven’t we? I’ll email back and forth with you if you want, just check out my addy in the bottom of this post! I will always think of you whenever I see foxes. I love you, friend. Hang in there. You can do this.
@imperatrixxx: I want to let you know I have a GREAT deal of respect for your mission of helping kitties. I’ll never forget our journey together to help rescue Millicent and get her adopted. Thank you for reaching out after I had to let go of baby Asus back several months ago. May your streets be paved with scratching posts and your home filled with as many kitties as your heart can handle.
@strawhat-giraffe: AAAAHHHH! Hey, so I know we didn’t get to know each other very long before I freaked and ditched this joint, but I wanted to say I LOVE that you’re a voice actor too, and if you’ll email me (bottom of the post) I’ll send you my voiceover work in an audio file! OODLES of love and light to ya, friend!
@fanbows: You’re truly my favorite Rainbow Rowell blogger! Thank you for your contribution to the RR fanbase! You deserve so much good in return for the good you do. I think everyone deserves a pot of gold like you at the end of their rainbow. (I am a cheese, so what? Ha! Sorry not sorry ^^)
@yofriesenburg: Now, one of the reasons I joined Tumblr again was because of Snowbaz. You, friend, are probably my favorite EVER Snowbaz artist. I hope everyone everywhere gets to see your art, CO or otherwise! Thank you.
@ottenebrare: I don’t know if I mentioned this to you on that night when I asked you about your name, but I truly admire you. You have contributed so much to the Kylux fandom, and you have a beautiful soul on top of that, and I don’t know I just really love you. I did get more sleep after I sent that message to you, and all I can tell you is I’m trying as hard as I can in life.
And lastly, @missmendelsohn. I’m sorry. I tried. I tried but I just couldn’t fight anymore and I have to step back and just try to be brave through whatever this nastiness is. Please. Keep “it” safe, and please don’t tell anyone. Thank you for your contribution to Tumblr and to the fam. You’re a good girl. You did nothing wrong. I love you.
Special mentions to other deeply loved and respected favorites that I didn’t necessarily have a whole lot of contact with: @sigalawin @eglantineprice @reylooo @confessuponatime @dearmyblank @thelastmessagereceived @ryanreynoldssource @fuckyeahreynolds @arrivedmad and @ben-mendelsohn-trash.
My email, should any of you wish to remain in contact with me off of here, is tama2224@gmail.com. Thank you all. May the Force be with you.
R.I.P. Mewlicent’s Domain: July 29, 2016 - August 22, 2017.
