We'll be the stars...

Seeing biblical teachings being reversed into conservative teachings is one of the funniest things holy shit. Like this makes it painfully clear that Jesus taught the exact opposite of all these things yet conservatives in the US wanna call themselves “men of god”.

Princess Renfri (The Witcher)

requested by anonymous

The Master: *creates a new race of Cybermasters from two warrior races; the Time Lords and the Cybermen*

Me:

the time of the doctor is honestly so FUNNY now like Clara's over here begging the time lords to give the doctor another set of regenerations, meanwhile on the other side the time lords are probably shitting themselves like this dude is gonna regenerate any moment and blow up their whole operation but they still gotta pretend to be hesitant to hand over the 'extra lives' to maintain their snooty bitch image jfkdhsjshshejrhrj

It's actually really funny to see all the fake nerd boys pretend that they know Doctor Who really well and then insult the new season for doing things that are obvious references to and continuations of stories from Classic Era Who. Like congrats, you've proven you don't know what you're talking about and are just still mad the Doctor is a woman and wasn't always white.

The 4th doctor, after finding out he had extra lives in The Brain of Morbius:

WRONG PIC

Rassilon: *is the most despised Time Lord by fandom*

Tecteun:

the doctor, handing jack a space margarita: hey babe remember when I abandoned you for centuries because your immortality makes me feel physically ill and I told you to your face that your existence is wrong?

jack: yeah???

the doctor: okay so, update-

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY–

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

“i received the tv bill today,” my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. “does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?”

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

“don’t expose my kid to that crap.”

“if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room.”

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

This is the fucking funniest thing I’ve read in ages

- Little Women (2019)

I love the fam’s group dynamics but I kinda wish we’d have gotten more one on one moments, some episodes that went like “the two dum dums are down with the flu so it’s a girls only trip” and then the Doctor and Yaz plan a relaxing outing that, of course, ends up with explosions and Yaz getting the Doctor out of trouble or “Yaz’s family invited Ryan for a weekend trip so it’s just you and me today, Doc” and we get the snarkiest episode ever since Donna and Ten featuring 13 and Graham or “Graham’s out mini golfing and Yaz had a last minute work thing” so we get to see the disaster duo touching random buttons they’re not supposed to and lots of running around.

The Doctor + Impossible Decisions

what did I do to deserve so many battles in my chest. (x)

You let a human being grow inside your stomach for 9 months till it’s 6 to 12 pounds large, and then you give it an escape route the size fo a change purse. Who, in the beginning, when it was getting sorted out, negotiated this deal? Was it Eve? No. I bet it was Adam. He hadn’t eaten from the Tree of Knowledge yet, so he was just like, ‘Yeah, that’ll fit.’

GUYS IM CRYING I BOUGHT A BOOK BASED ON THE LIVE ACTION DORA MOVIE COMING OUT AND I TURNED TO A RANDOM PAGE AND LIKE-