OSWALD <3

Animals Sleeping Anywhere.

@hattedhedgehog I spy buttons having a nap in the cd’s! 

Eyyyyy it is Buttons!

i have a “why am i like this” moment at least five times a day

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so last week I was walking downtown and a girl leaned out her car window and yelled “YOU LOOK LIKE A PRINCESS” and today a girl walked past me on the sidewalk and said “I love your socks” (they have birds on them) and I suggest we replace all cat-calling with girls complimenting each other on the street because honestly I have never felt more pretty or into girls in my goddamn life

Catcalling is a compliment when women do it

no, complimenting isn’t catcallng because it’s actually trying to make the person happy as opposed to deliberately harassing someone as a power trip

one of the best moments of my life was biking past this group of late-teens girls and one yelling “I LIKE YOUR BIKE,” and i smiled and waved, and another yells after me “and you’re pretty!”

women supporting other women is pure and will always be a good thing; men harassing people because they feed off of asserting dominance over people without power will always be trash

If men want to yell things like your socks are cool and I love your hair, that would be well appreciated. But instead they’ll just bark at me from their cars.

I am totally here for people of all genders replacing catcalling with gentle drive-by compliments.

I’ve been studying the classic black tie dress code (mainly from here) so I thought I could share my notes. Maybe they can be helpful to someone else, too. If I made any mistakes or things are really confusing please tell me.  I also have some notes on white tie which I could share as well…

Coffee & Flowers

gotham dump :X

its weird being 18, 19, 20 in 2016 because i remember going into kindergarten and seeing those chunky ass giant computers at the desk and then going through school while technology rapidly develops and graduate in a world where people can have the entire internet and more just in their pocket like idk its so strange to me

sorry to add to the post but I remember in 5th grade when they invented the “smart whiteboard” and my school won one for the library and everyone lost their shit because they were so expensive and I graduated high school last year and by the time I graduated every single classroom had one. Watching technology go from glitchy and expensive to powerful and affordable within less than ten years continues to blow my mind

no but also like owning a flip phone was the Coolest Shit™ and you could take photos(???) and it was like so incredible, and it was all fun and games until you pressed the key for THE INTERNET and you knew you’d be charged so you pressed that cancel key eighty times and prayed to god that he’d take mercy on you…and then iphones became a thing and it was like unreal

Going from vcrs and huge roll in tvs to streaming the movie online and projecting that onto the smart board within the span of 5-10 years.

There is a certain booth in a certain Denny’s haunted by the ghost of Andy Jones. His tortured soul remains barred from the afterlife lest he settle his unfinished business, an unfinished glass of Fanta. At certain times of night you can hear him. “sip”…”sip”…”sip”. But like Sisyphus and his boulder, every time Andy’s Fanta nears the bottom of the glass, a server comes by to top him off. Always tending to the refills. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week. Trapping him forever in this ether between the realms of the living and the dead.

this is both just this website’s level of surrealist humor and a great advertisement for the attentiveness of denny’s wait staff on giving free refills and I frankly dont know how to handle it

oh god now they’re saying that the Macedonian tomb isn’t Alexander’s or even someone from the royal family, it’s a funerary heroon (basically shrine) to Hephaestion, one of many the king ordered after his death, only this one has a tomb in it. 

does this mean that Alexander buried him with enough pomp and circumstance that today’s archaeologists thought it might have been Alexander the Great himself

I’m not ok

what’s better than gals guys being pals 

JUST GUYS BEING PALS

PALS

TOTALLY NOT FUCKING.

You can build the greatest, most grandiose tomb to your lover and people will still think it’s just guys beING FUCKING PALS

Them:

PETA

you guys remember when PETA stole people pets off their porches and euthanized them?

you guys remember how it came out that PETA kills about 90% of the animals it takes in, including healthy and adoptable puppies and kittens, stating “ We could become a no-kill shelter immediately. It means we wouldn’t do as much work”?

you guys remember when PETA advocated killing all pit bulls for the crime of being pit bulls?

you guys remember when PETA handed out these comics to children when there were no adults looking?

you guys remember when they made a porn site and then filled it with videos of animal abuse, and (also in that link) claimed cats should be vegetarian?

you guys remember when PETA lied about sheep shearing, got caught, and defended the lie as true even after they admitted the sheep in their picture wasn’t even real?

you guys remember when they tried to excuse their horrifying ways by claiming that the person who exposed them was manipulating the facts by taking them and putting them in the wrong context?

Because I remember. I remember everything. 

And I’m gonna make sure everyone else remembers too. 

Why would they kill pit bulls they’re sweeties

Because PETA does not care about animals. they do not care that these dogs live and breathe and feel and want love like every other dog. they do not care about the history of human/dog bonding and co-evolution, they do not care that dogs and human beings have relied on each other for millennia, they do not care that its cruel and morally repugnant to put down an animal just because you can, they do not care about animals. 

PETA cares about money and publicity, its a corporation run by a psychopath who is afraid of pitts as it states in the link: she was apparently bit by one, and now she hates them. 

PETA doesn’t give a rats ass about animals. They just want to kill and make money off of idiots who fall of their spiel.

Some celebs support them

ah c’mon, dear-tumb1r, I think you’re being a bit harsh. I mean, okay, PETA’s done some questionable things, but it’s not like they’ve also

-spread false information about milk causing autism based on outdated bullshit information

-used holocaust imagery to compare the meat industry to concentration camps (no pictures)

-used a young man’s brutal death as a way to say “yeah that’s awful but it happens to animals every day and nobody cares about that” (tw: no pictures but the way the guy died is described and it is really horrible)

-dressed up in KKK robes and protested outside of the Westminister Dog Show to protest breeding/pure bred dogs (tw: racism)

-offered to pay the water bill for literally the poorest neighborhood in Detroit if and only if they all went vegan for a month (tw: self-righteous shitheads)

-and they definitely didn’t have two of their workers accept perfectly healthy animals from an animal hospital, with the implication that they would give them good homes, clarify that these animals were all healthy and well-tempered, and then euthanized them all in the back of a kill-van before dumping their dead bodies behind a grocery store (tw: PICTURES OF DEAD ANIMALS, animal death)

-and they totally didn’t get off pretty much scot-free for it because PETA has loads of money and lawyers to defend themselves, which coincidentally might be why the Cerate family hasn’t seen justice for their kidnapped and murdered dog, Maya. (tw: animal death)

Nah. PETA’s not that bad.

(/the heaviest of all my fucking sarcasm, I am salty as a fucking winter road, lord do I fucking hate PETA)

Did you think i was fucking joking, PETA?

I will make sure everyone fucking remembers what you’ve done. 

Bringing it back, because it’s charity season and people need to know NOT to give charity to these fuckers. 

I’m so glad this has surfaced, because I have always hated PETA, and this is exactly why. 

I never knew how much I fucking hated PETA

Yo. Fuck PETA.

jesus these ppl are disgusting

Take The 52 Week Photo Challenge or Check Out DSLR cameras here

This week’s tutorial request came via email from Paraskevoula Sarkozy, who asked for some tips on how to draw SQUIRRELS. If you want MORE, click these links for tutorials covering how to draw… FEET AND SHOES       SMOKE EFFECTS      PLANES       HORSE HEADS       ROCK FORMATIONS      ANGRY EXPRESSIONS VEHICLES        WATER        FABRIC And if YOU have a REQUEST for a tutorial subject, just let us know over on INSTAGRAM HERE or on TWITTER HERE. Lorenzo!

ALL MY WRITERS

I think the best piece of writing advice I ever got was from an author of locally popular novels that visited my school when I was in grade eight. He said that when you want to write a novel, or any kind of story, the typical system of “What is my story about? Who is it about? What will happen?” are pretty much the worst thing you can do.

Writing is far simpler than that.

His advice was to ask yourself three questions that I’ll never forget:

Who is the character?

What does the character want more than anything?

And how can I prevent them from getting it?

Things That Happened On My First Day At Target

-Sold lingerie to an eighty year old woman

-Got a free salted caramel frappacino from the suspectedly gay barista, Parker

-Sold a bra to the mom of a sixteen year old girl who was cringing the entire time

-Had a very engaging conversation with a three year old boy about colors. We both like blue.

-Served an old woman who I thought had an impressive mustache, but it was just nose hair

-Watched her and two other women with her get trapped between two sets of automatic doors because they did not understand how to open them. How they got through the first set, I still do not know.

-Sold fifteen gallons of kitty litter to a soccer mom who refused to break eye contact

-Got a second free starbucks drink. This one was a pumpkin pie one that wasn’t even on the menu. I like this barista man.

-Gave dozens of children stickers. Several of them squealed when they got them. This is the best part of my job.

-Sold an old man $200 of furniture and got him to sign up for a Target credit card. Before he finished the last step, he turned and walked away with his cart without a word.

-He still hadn’t paid. I called him back and he apologized, saying “sorry, sometimes my diabetes makes me do that.” He didn’t finish getting the card.

-A woman came up with $220 of items. After a wad of coupons and a stack of free gift cards from other promotions, her total went down to $55. I want her to teach me. 

-Saw a girl skipping down the aisle in what can only be described as a pink princess fairy wedding dress. She was filled with happiness and if I hadn’t been on the clock I would have taken her. At the very least, I want that outfit for my own.

-Got approached by a large man named Jason. He told me not to steal. I will take this advice to heart. 

-Met a woman referred to only as The Cat Lady. She asked if I wanted her to buy me a keychain from Ross. I told her I had no keys. She nodded solemnly and walked away, whispering their exact location inside Ross, just in case.

-Got called into the HR Head’s office at the end of my shift. I was expecting to be yelled at for some reason. She and another lead showered me in compliments for ten minutes straight, saying a lot of managers had been saying great things about me all day. Not what I expected, but I’ll take it.

Day Two:

-Intimidating farmer man in overalls and pigtails came through my checkout. He bought a bucket. He spoke no words. He made no eye contact. He left me with questions.

-Three college boys came through, each buying spandex and makeup wipes. They spoke no words. They made too much eye contact. They left me with more questions. I question when this job will provide answers.

-A three year old came through, pushed by his personal chauffeur. He bought one small Spider-Man onesie. He carried out the entire transaction on his own. He was the most polite customer I have had so far.

-Three people walked away without their change. Only two returned.

-A man bought thirty light bulbs with a coupon. He told me he did not need thirty light bulbs. He just likes coupons.

-He then walked to customer service, claiming to have returned several things he did not mean to. He then walked a lap around the store and left. He did not leave the store with his light bulbs. They were nowhere to be found.

-A customer came through looking nervous. She leaned over the counter. She whispered to me. Someone had pooped in the baby supplies aisle. All evidence pointed to it not being a baby.  

Day Three:

-Two children came through the line. They were chanting to their mom through heavy streams of tears. “WE WANT STICKERS MOMMY.”  There were no stickers at any of the registers. They continued crying. I failed my people.

-An old woman bought five bottles of wine and a large bottle of vodka. Her license told me she had lived through World War II. Her smile told me she was still living.

-I sorted through the candy in the checkout lanes. I was meant to set aside candy that had expired in the last month. A box of Kit Kats was found that had expired in February of 2015. One was missing. I hope the poor sap is okay.

-Clearance school supplies have arrived. A man bought 71 spiral notebooks for $6. A woman bought 110 folders for $4. I hope they meet each other. I would like to see the child of two math problem characters.

-A bearded man named Rusty came through. I sold him a bottle of Crystal Light powder and a gallon of water. The powder was empty. The water jug had an inch of pink water left in it. How long has he been inside the store already. His beard intimidated me too much to ask.

-An elderly man in a fedora pushed two full carts into my lane. They were both filled to the brim. He bought 52 12-packs of Mountain Dew. 12 were diet. He repeatedly told me he was 80 years old. As I handed him his receipt, he leaned in and whispered, “I’m going to get DRUNK.” He pointed at his carts, smiled at me, and scurried away with his definitively alcoholic purchase. I wonder if he knows. I wonder if he cares.

Day Four:

-The store is having a 10% off your entire purchase sale. I have a coupon to scan if anyone asks for it. I scan it if people don’t ask for it if they’re nice to me. I don’t scan it if they’re rude. Power is a new sensation. Power is a good sensation.

- Because of the sale, we have been flooded with guests itching for a bargain. When I need to go on my break, the manager has to stand in front of the line and tell people to go somewhere else. As the line died down, I prepared to leave. A new wave of people approached. She whispered to me “run as soon as you can.” I did not see her after my break.

-An old man comes through the line and loudly announces that “this is a cash thing. No cards!” His clarity is appreciated, but also questioned. 

-A young man follows him. He jokes, “this is a card thing. No cash!” His smile shows he was a kind man. His joke shows he was a dad. 

-A confused teenager follows after.  He whispers, “……….cash”. He thinks he has to announce his payment type. I do not correct him. 

-Children continue to handle their own transactions. This makes my day good. One girl had her own wallet and told me “thank you for your help, sir”. This makes my day great.

- Five hours into my shift, I discover small figurines of Bambi and Pluto behind my register screen. Knowing that I am experiencing the happiest place on earth for a bargain price is nice.

-A customer purchased hard salami. The store sells a product called hard salami. How anyone can work or shop here with a straight face remains beyond me.

-A small girl waits in the cart as her mother pays for her transaction. She decides she had enough. She shouts, “Let me out of here!” She attempts to leave the cart. She realizes the walls are too tall. She sits down and accepts her fate with a shocking level of grace.

-A grown man sees a coloring book on a shelf. He calls after his wife, who has already walked away. “There’s a coloring book here. This is just pitiful.” No one has any response for this.

-I met a man who looked like Harry Potter if, instead of getting out of the cupboard at age eleven, he stayed in there for fifteen more years with nothing but Red Bull and My Chemical Romance albums.

-A woman gets 69 cents back in change. I know that I will likely get reprimanded if I make a 69 joke to a customer. I do not speak to the customer any further. I am trying to decide if it is worth losing my job or not.

-A little girl in basketball shorts kicks the candy rack multiple times. I expect her to turn around and show that she is throwing a fit. Instead, she seems calm and please. She is having the time of her life. I look forward to seeing where life takes her.

-A child in my lane gets a toy. A child in the next lane yells at him for having a toy when he does not. Toy-having child prepares to throw the toy at toy-lacking child. Parents pick up their respective children. Thus ends the Baby Feud of 2016.

Day Five:

-I open my register. An octogenarian woman approaches. She purchases bras and lingerie. I cry on the inside. It is too early for these images.

-A small girl helped me put her parents bags into their cart. Every time I hand her a bag, she digs through it, announcing which things are hers and which are her parents, and putting her parents’ items in the cart without the bag. They did not earn the bag and she treats them accordingly.

-A group of old people came on a field trip to Target and spent ten minutes discussing the new Jungle Book movie before buying a copy. Their reviews were overwhelmingly positive and gleeful.

-The DVD ran $18.94. The group banded together, pulling out every coin they could find to ensure they gave me exact change. They must have had ten dollars in coins between them. The strength of their teamwork inspired me. The depth of their pockets confounded me.

-A fly flew directly into my nostril before bouncing around and making a swift exit. I was more impressed by its aim than bothered by its decisions.

-A woman seemingly stepped out of the 19th century prairie to purchase a frappucino. I think her dress was handmade. Her head scarf still had a price tag. 

-An old couple came through my lane to purchase gardening tools. Anytime one of them turned their back to the other, they would be tickled without warning or mercy. I believe I have just had a glimpse into my future.

-A very angry old man pulled two full carts through. He purchased a Twix bar, a bottle of Diet Pepsi, 36 pairs of underwear, and 262 adult diapers. I believe I have just had another glimpse into my future.

Day Six:

-I witnessed the man who talked to me about stealing following suspicious individuals through the store. He was like a private eye shark on a mission. The determination and simultaneous stealth and intimidation he possessed solidified him as my hero.

-The computer made me card a man for buying Elmer’s glue. I questioned the computer. It gave no answers.

-A soccer mom walked up to me, frappuccino in hand. She bought a large box of condoms, asked to have them outside of a bag, and then ran out of the store with them.

-My stash of stickers has been restocked. I can once again please the masses. 

-My manager brought me a concoction he made behind the Starbucks counter. He told me it was meant to taste like a red Starburst. It tasted nothing like a red Starburst. It tasted exactly like a pink Starburst.

-He also made me a Cookie Monster frap. It was a liquid oreo. If anyone has contacts at Food Network, please reach out to him for a show.

-A mother purchased her four year old daughter a Minnie Mouse stuffed animal. She asked the daughter if she wanted to hold it. The child whispered, “No. She is evil.” What does she know that I do not.

-Another old man purchased twelve boxes of Mello Yello and eight boxes of Sprite. He saved almost as much as he spent. The old man bulk soda purchasing trend continues. I look forward to participating one in my later years.

-Three team leaders tried to get a refrigerator through a door in a small hallway. The refrigerator was both taller and wider than the door. It took them 45 minutes, but once they succeeded, I was filled with pride.