no one:

me: hey are you mad at me idk the vibe is kinda off

Hey @perisnoop

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wack.

My sense of humor is growing more and more ridiculous because I was just sitting here by myself thinking like what if instead of saying “are you kidding me” we said weird food related things like “are you frying my rice right now” or even “are you seriously buttering all of my toast with this” and honestly I cried

this post is the best thing I’ve ever put on this site because I’m still getting messages and replies from people with their own versions of these jokes

#are you flipping my pancakes

#are you tossing my salad

this week has been truly something ELSE 

is anyone else just going through life like “yeah i just gotta get past this last difficult week and then it’s smooth sailing from there!” but like… every week

me as a hotel receptionist: *greets guests by playing hotel california but cutting it off right before they say california*

here is a star for everyone who’s not feeling their best today (🌟)

whats the mood for mid-april

stress and a loss for the concept of time

I had a date tonight with a girl I’ve been seeing and we were talking about tattoos and I mentioned wanting one of a bumblebee behind my ear and she stared at me for a second and then pulled back her hair and showed me a tattoo of a bumblebee behind her ear and lemme tell you if I didn’t believe in soulmates before I sure as hell do now that’s some next level shit

me: i have an oral exam in my french class tomorrow i’m super nervous

boy: oral exam huh ;) ;) ;)

me:

Imagine being able to detach your titties before bed.. so you could actually sleep on your stomach. Lol

My dumb ass gon over sleep and forget my tiddies in the morning..

Keys … wallet… damn, my titties .

Bob’s Burgers would also be an appropriate title for SpongeBob SquarePants

a quiet place (2018)

me: *my joints crack, killing me instantly*