“Why are you on your own tonight?”

“You know, I sincerely thought I wanted to be.  It’s out of character, for sure, but nothing was quite satisfying.”  Were he in better spirits, he’d be lost in a crowd, feeling part of something grand, stealing attention.  Or for something more quiet, he’d take care of his leave with his brother, his wife perhaps.   But to do that, he would need the inner strength of composure–he hated for them to see him tired, somewhat empty, but also restless.  His troubles were nebulous, and strange; as though sometimes existence wore him out and he would crash into being nearly a non-entity, and they needed him to be more than that.  

Andy, however, had seen him worse, and she understood.  Merlin fucking bless Andy, who always felt like a comforting breath of cool air, taken on by corporeal form.  “I don’t think so, though.  I don’t feel any better alone.  Maybe tonight’s just unpleasant.  You know the feeling?”

“We’ll be mature and polite, yeah? And then we’ll just tell him to fuck off.”

“I love you for this.”  He sighs, and rubs hand fingers into his temples, as if he presses hard enough, all annoyance will be void.  It isn’t.  “Honestly, fuck it.  That’s the new plans now.  I’ve got another five more minutes of politeness in my system before I just tell Avery to fuck off.  Can you get a hangover from your own manners?  That’s where I am right now.”

"What makes you think that is a good idea?"

Reactions Meme | Accepting.

"I shouldn't have gotten out of bed."

Reactions Meme | Accepting.

“I think most people remember the exact moment they realized they were grown up. Because of something said to them, or something they saw… Do you remember that moment?”

                 ❝ i –  ❞ the exact moment he was grown up? he could remember. it wasn’t the cruelty in his mother’s voice that rang out in their home. it might have not been the first time she’d used the tone, but it was the first time he’d remembered. sirius wasn’t quite sure anymore of what he’d done to make her mad, but it was probably something accidental with regulus. however, that only knocked him up a little.                                        the real moment was when the hat shouted ‘GRYFFINDOR’.            sirius could remember how cold his veins got. the blood through them turned to ice. his heart stopped. he couldn’t breathe. his lungs felt like someone had forced all the air out of them. a thousand pounds rested on his chest and lumped in his stomach, sending it all the way to his feet.         everyone always assumed sirius was happy about it from the start – but they didn’t know him from the start. sirius was utterly confused and almost devastated. he knew he was meant for great things, but his family was all slytherin. all of them. what would his mother say about this? she’d be furious. he could imagine the beating he might get. or the head shake from his father that would forever stick in his mind. maybe he wasn’t good enough to be a slytherin. but this wasn’t his fault, right? it wasn’t! it was the way mum and dad mad him!        he tried everything back then to justify it and not receive a howler later on that night.. but it came anyway. she had yelled and he heard the shaking in her voice. maybe she was just as afraid as he was. but he just felt shame and hurt. he let her down and it wasn’t even his fault. so he had cried himself to sleep.. confused, hurt, upset, and lonely. he didn’t think anyone else would understand… and how would Regulus feel? how did he then? sirius feared he had failed him, too. and he missed him. no letter came that night and he knew his brother felt the way he did. he had to.      that was the moment. he knew he was different and he knew he’d have to deal with it. his mother had to be upset – he knew why. he felt guilty about it too.. but sirius also felt this tiny fire light in his chest.         maybe things wouldn’t be so bad. but that was the moment he knew he had to go it alone. that life wasn’t cut out for him.                ❝  i remember. i’m sure you already know. ❞

“STOP PRETENDING TO BE OK!” - burnedsister

           &&. He hadn’t had time to heal the sores and bruises around his wrists, he’d lost weight, and his drug addiction was becoming full fledged. He was finally let out of his cage for the sake of appearances, for visitors coming by. Part of him was relieved to see his best friend, and part of him recoiled even from her. Summer was at its peak, Rod and Bella were gone, and he was alone in enduring his father’s hell. It had been tense since she’d arrived, and it only mounted the more he dodged her questions and comments of concern. That she exploded the moment they were alone was no surprise.

He tugged his sleeves down harder to try to hide the damage, though he could do nothing about his otherwise ragged appearance. Her outburst was met, as always, with only calm words of reply, though his voice was weaker than usual. “I’m fine. Just a bit unused to my brother’s absence. What’s got you so riled up anyway?”