Day 55 What is the most interesting thing your partner has ever told you?

Oh my goodness well @bakapetto1410 is super interesting so like she always comes up with interesting things. Actually, I mean it might be more of a guilty pleasure now, but we do love a good gossip session. It’s only between us so it’s not like we have a podcast or anything but we find people in general very interesting so they are always much fun. Idk if I’ll get in trouble by saying this but OH WELL! I’m an impenetrable safe so it’s all good.

Day 54 Is there anything you regret in this relationship?

Oh gosh, I regret not realizing sooner that the feelings I had for @bakapetto1410 were romantic. I haven’t always been the best at distinguishing these feelings and the moment that I let myself identify the feelings at romantic it all made so much more sense. But yeah, I don’t know if I would’ve made a move or not cause when it comes to my love life I’m very insecure cause I always felt like I was missing those instincts that everyone else seemed to just innately have. Turns out pretty much everybody doesn’t really know what they’re doing so it’s okay. It’s just such a Jackie move to let love in in the most difficult time possible but the thought of possibly saying no to Jenn when she told me her feelings never really crossed my mind. Cause there always is going to be something, there’s a quote from one of my favorite guilty pleasure movies, Elizabethtown, “If it wasn’t this then it would be something else.” so like stop making excuses as if they actually had any influence in getting what you want. I’m the queen at finding excuses except when I’m not and like there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I wanted to be with Jenn the moment I realized it. It’s just tough when I miss her so much and the time in between visits just seems so eternal. I think about the times when we were friends and the moments where I felt that Jenn was special, that I wanted to be her friend for my whole life, and then there would be another feeling. I think about what it would’ve been like if I had just asked her. If I hadn’t been so afraid of needing her. If I hadn’t been making so many excuses for myself. I always forget about that saying “if it wasn’t this, it would be something else” I should really write it down somewhere.

54/90

Day 53 Have you ever talked about your past together? How did that go?

We really have but I feel that we talked about our past mostly when we were just friends. And it always went well I feel, both when we were just friends and during our relationship. Sometimes it’s fun sometimes it’s through tears. It was all very organic I feel, I have made some silly and ridiculous mistakes in my past which has made me very apprehensive about talking of my past. It was never hard with @bakapetto1410 though, I’m not perfect and I still believe there are parts of my past that haven’t come to the table just like there are parts of her past that haven’t come to light but I trust that when those bits decide to come out it’ll be as organic as ever. 

Day 52 What’s the longest phone/video call you’ve ever had?

@bakapetto1410 and I have very long phone calls sometimes haha I mean, I feel that they are the extension for our car talks which were also very long. I would get into so much trouble with my mom cause I would text her saying that I was on my way home and then I would stay another two hours in the car with Jenn, just talking. Now our calls last on average like six hours? I’m not really sure because our calls always cut out at the four hour mark, I think it’s my phone that has a limit on calls that if they go on for more than four hours it cuts it. But it’s a running joke now that every time our calls cut out that we hung up on each other. I do love calling Jenn and talking to her, we literally talk about anything and everything.

52/90

Day 51 What are your biggest fears in this relationship?

This is a heavy one. I’m generally a fearful person even though I don’t outwardly show it, so there are a lot of things that I’m scared of but I think it all boils down to my fear of taking space or not giving enough. Which is sort of a vicious cycle because I’m afraid of taking space so I distance myself but that means that I’m not giving enough to the relationship so I lean in but then my fear of taking space gets activated and so on a so forth. I’m working on it though, I am so cognizant that if I don’t express what I want of how I’m feeling then my whole life is just going to be stuck in that cycle and that’s no way of actually living. It also gets in the way of me doing things that I love. Like being @bakapetto1410 girlfriend. Which is the best thing, and when I’m with her the fears just melt away and any doubts I have about my personality or my physical form aren’t a priority anymore. I feel like I’m a whole person and not parts of a machine that have to be maintained and controlled individually in order to be a “functioning human”. That’s why it is so fucking scary when parts of myself, that aren’t the nicest or the most palatable, bubble up without me having the foresight to stop it and I get this feeling that Jenn has “seen” me or caught me in a lie, or I guess in a truth. 

I think my fear is upsetting the balance that is needed in a relationship. They say that love is never having to say you’re sorry and I think that is true in that you should unabashedly be yourself with your partner and in turn they have the freedom to truly be themselves without having to apologize for it. It’s scary and it’s intimate this process of giving the good parts and the bad parts of yourself and just trusting that your partner will keep them both and see you completely. I honestly thought I would never get there with anyone.

51/90