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Shit My Players Say

@yourplayersaidwhat / shitmyplayerssay.com

The wonderful wit, witticism, and weirdness of tabletop gamers. Need help submitting a quote? Check our FAQs! Want advice on how to run a game, play a game, or find a game? Try the RPG Stack Exchange, @lfglistings, and Roll20! New reader? Bored and looking for a laugh? Check out a random quote!
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How to Submit:

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  • “Rogue” is a thief. “Rouge” is makeup.
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DM: so youre on a ship in the middle of the Astral sea, one of the captains having invited you on his shi-
Rogue: I eat the plants on the ship.
DM: ...the plants are plastic. Do you really want to eat them?.
Rogue: I said. I eat. the plants.
DM, tired as hell: *sigh* alright, cheesy eats the plants and starts taking poison damage.
Rogue: YAYYYY also ow BUT YAY I ATE THE PLANTS
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Context: Post bbeg monologue, the gender-ambiguous aaracockra bard decides to flirt right before the fight starts for shits and giggles. Bard is often misgendered as female, but they’re male identifying.

Bard: *insert obscenely horny pick up line here, I don’t think I can post this one*

BBEG, who just barely passed his saving throw: I’m- I’m not even into- what gender are you?

Bard: Well, seeing as I’m a bird and we’ve got the same hole either way, dealers choice? 

Entire table: *stunned silence, mostly the party trying not to laugh while the dm sits there*

Rogue, clearing his throat: So assuming he’s stunned, can I roll for backstab with advantage? 

Wizard: No no, I wanna hear what his deal breaker would have been.

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i've been waiting forever to bust this one out

(i'm playing an aasimar Monk with an attitude. the Bard is a sunshine girl who has a lot of trouble being mean. we're fighting twig blights in curse of strahd)

Me: i'm gonna whisper something to (Bard) for her vicious mockery

Bard: (big sigh)....hey tree-guy...your girlfriend calls you vine cuz you only last six seconds.

(the rest of the table explodes into laughter)

Submitted by anonymous
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The party is trying to convince a little girl to come with him so they can hold her for ransom, they meet her at the inn. 

Paladin: Hey, it’s ok! You’ll get to see your parents again, I promise, just come with us!

DM: The little girl still looks wary of you.

Rogue assassin, pushing him aside before leaning in real close and slamming her knife into the table a few inches away from her hand: Do you want to see your family again?

DM: the little girl backs away and starts crying.

Bard: nice going, pussyshits. How the hell are we supposed to kidnap her now?

Wizzard: I cast sleep.

Ranger: ooh, and I put her in the bag of holding, leaving it open so she can breath.

DM: ok what the fuck you guys-

Fighter: I SEAL IT, DIE MOTHERFUCKER!

Bard: WE NEED HER FOR RANSOM HANDS OFF

DM: GUYS-

Paladin, with 5 wisdom: WAIT WE WERE KIDNAPPING HER???

Necromancer: HOW OBLIVIOUS ARE YOU?

Ranger, bitterly: Oblivious enough to not realize I’ve been flirting with him this entire time. 

Paladin: YOU HAVE???

Bard: RANGER WHEN I WAS HITTING ON YOU, YOU SAID YOU WERE STRAIGHT!

*DM has slid under the table out of their chair as the table riots* 

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