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I love these! I've been trying to get my daughter to draw me a mermaid logo for years but she's been reticent. I WANT!

so if there’s one single trope i’m always down to fight it’s the animal bride (folklore motif 402??) which a lot of you are probably familiar with as the selkie - the fisherman either falls in love, steals her skin to trap her on land/gain power over her, or they fall in love and THEN he steals her skin to keep her from leaving, and either way she spends a lot of time gazing sadly out to sea and then she or her child finds the skin and never returns again. and that’s awful on a whole lot of levels - it’s not love, it’s control.

BUT. but the thing is. you how selkies/seal women was a pretty common variation of this? another really popular one was swans.

i just want you to think about that for a moment. swans. like…I get it, they’re pretty, graceful birds, certainly it’s easy to imagine them magically becoming pretty graceful ladies? but have you ever fought a swan. swans are awful. swans are the devil’s geese. imagine seeing a pretty magic lady and being absolutely enchanted by her, and stealing her magic feather cloak, and then you go up and say ‘hey i’m in love with you, let me make you my queen, it will be great, we’ll be so happy’ and she just looks at you for a moment and…

you know i was going to say maybe she just shouts for her sisters and suddenly you’re realizing you’ve made a terrible terrible mistake bc you’re surrounded by big fucking birds who are all hissing. but honestly if this swan lady is as aggressively down to brawl as any other generally unhappy swan, then she’d straight up fuck you up on her own. she’d just deck you roundhouse, honestly. you don’t fuck with swans. why does this trope exist

okay but consider this: a woman walks to the park every day and feeds the swans and watches them paddle gracefully around the lake, sighing to see how beautifully they swim. 

finally one day, a swan comes up to her and says ‘why don’t you come and swim with us? you always sigh so wistfully to see us on the water, and you would be most welcome to join our company, for you have always been a true friend to our kind’

and the woman says, ‘i can’t swim’

and the swan says, ‘we’ll teach you’

and the woman says, ‘literally i can’t swim, my husband stole my sealskin and should i venture into deep water i would surely drown’ 

and the swan says ‘your husband fucking WHAT’

the next morning the woman’s front yard looks like this. 

and neither the woman nor her husband are ever heard from again, though for very different reasons. 

@elodieunderglass

tagged for imaginary swans doing the lord’s work

A++, two thumbs up.

It may also interest someone to know that swans can projectile poop.

I know a real-world mama swan who got shot in the wing and walked four miles overland to get back to her babies and dad swan, with her broken wing bleeding and dragging the whole way. She just kept going. Don’t mess with lady swans. 

Also? Swans don’t have a lot of obvious physical markings that divide the males from females. So some idiot might be like, “damn, that’s a sexy bird, I wanna marry her” and then like. It’s a dude swan. You just transformed thirty pounds of angry aggressive bird into 200+ pounds of angry aggressive adult man, who will totally kick your butt. (Also I’m pretty sure that if you turned a lady swan into a human, you would not get a willowy little 5′0″ girl. You’d probably have a 6-foot amazon with biceps the size of your head. Swans are heavy birds and it takes a LOT of muscle to get them into the air. They are among the baddest bitches in the bird kingdom)

And when a swan decides to beat you up, it is not with fancy martial arts. Swans are brawlers. They have bone clubs built into their wing joints specifically for beating people up. A human swan is gonna come at you screaming and spitting and just keep punching you in the face until you regret every decision you have made ever in your life and also some of the ones your parents made too. 

@lokiavinos @grundalucious075 @isuraofficail

@elenothar

It Got Better

I love everything about this

My daughter and I were discussing this and without even seeing the article I said, “That swan woman is going to be an Amazon!” Obviously great minds think alike.

This is, without a doubt, the COOLEST tourism ad I have ever seen! And it’s for my home state! 

It’s like somebody managed to film the inside of my brain and then animate everything I imagine when I’m enjoying the outdoors in the Pacific Northwest. 

This is a Studio Ghibli film and you can’t convince me otherwise

This is an ad? If so, I freaking love this ad. I'm fond of Oregon too though.

Muggles are not able to REBLOG this.

I did it in the first try.

OH YEAH

OH MY GOD.

MY COMPUTER BROWSER FROZE AND I DIDN’T REALIZE IT. I COULDN’T BREATHE.

JESUS.

But the lack of notes truly worries me

WORK, DAMNIT!

IT DIDN’T WORK FOR A MOMENT AND I HAD A MINI HEART ATTACK

FIRST TRY! I KNEW IT! I ALWAYS KNEW I WASN’T LIKE ALL THOSE MUGGLES! WHU THE BLOODY HELL AM I NOT AT HOGWARTS?! DUMBLEDORE GODDAMN IT!!

WORK

yiss

I’m a wizard

*soft hacking*

*poof*

First time. No problems.

Baby armadillo.

Humans will pet anything.

How wonderful, then, to live on a planet full of creatures that like to be petted!

“ How wonderful, then, to live on a planet full of creatures that like to be petted!”

It truly is.

I wouldn't be petting it but here in Texas we are told to leave them the **** alone because a high percentage carry leprosy. We’re told to leave raccoons, squirrels, bats and skunks alone because a good percentage carry rabies. 

2015 - Here are some gifs of Donald Trump being attacked by a bald eagle named Uncle Sam, literally the least patriotic thing that can happen to an American. [video]

I’m reblogging this again because I finally realized why this is so funny to me, as a bird person.

In the first gif, what you’re seeing is a man who has zero idea how to handle a bird. That’s a heavy bird, and he’s got his arm stretched out as far as it will go in an attempt to keep the bird away from his face. What that does is create unstable footing for Uncle Sam. The handler is there trying to hold up Trump’s arm, but the bird has already realized it needs to leave or it will fall. In the first gif the bird is not attacking Trump- it is trying to get away from him so it doesn’t get hurt.

In the second gif, what we see is a bird that remembers what just happened and is blaming Trump for it. Uncle Sam sees Trump reach for its tether, and makes a lunge at Trump’s hand to keep him away. The bird /does not/ want to hang out with Trump because it has learned that Trump has no idea what he is doing.

Uncle Sam is rejecting Trump based on Trump’s proven inability to properly handle Uncle Sam. And that is both hilarious and beautiful.

Good bird.

Always reblog Uncle Sam telling Trump to fuck off

This is a better explanation of these gifs than I could have given!

I had to reblog this, for obvious reasons.

I wouldn't want him touching me either!

Nailed it.

Adorable, smart kitty!

important psa about buns

We raised rabbits when I was a child and my sister gave a rabbit a bath (she was 5) and it died..so heed this instruction.

I wasn’t going to reblog this, but then I realized I might save a rabbit.

This is important guys. If your rabbit gets into something gnarly and you HAVE to bathe them: 1. Fill a bowl with warm water. 2. Get a washcloth. Put it in the water. Squeeze it out until it is just damn.  3. Lightly scrub the dirty area on your bun. 4. That is it. DO NOT get your bun wet. Only slightly damp on the part that was dirty.  (source)

VERY IMPORTANT! SAVE A BUNS LIFE!

Save the buns!

protect the buns!

You can also litter box train them like a cat. Also, please brush your long haired ones like Angoras daily.

No harm to any religion. It’s just a lamp ads by an Australian company. However, it’s funny!

I’m going to cry 😂😂

Ahaha, the reason why Mohammad is specifically mentioned as not being able to be there is because in Islam, portrayals and portraits of Mohammad are forbidden.  But they didn’t want to be seen as either hand waving him as at the table but not shown or as explicitly omitted.

Very smart move there advertising script writers.

THEY HAVE A JEDI AT THE END BECAUSE JEDI IS A RECOGNIZED RELIGION IN AUSTRALIA omfg

I am obligated to reblog this because Reasons.

They seem to have forgotten that vegans and vegetarians can't eat lamb but I love this ad! Yes, all religions can eat lamb.

JUST FUCKING LISTEN. 

THIS IS HALLOWEEN BUT NOT LIKE YOU KNOW IT

reblog so others can hear it!

Where the hell are the Victorian Goths they should be all over this.

*SMASHES REBLOG BUTTON*

this is some insta-reblog shit, my friends, i’m like 20 seconds in

HELL YES I LOVE THIS

THE ONLY AUDIO I WILL PAUSE MY MUSIC FOR

@crimsonpeakfans @crimsonpeaksource @crimsonpeaksecrets

@cameoapparition @shinymogwai @zakanakai

Vitamin String Quartet. They did a whole album of Nightmare songs. Look ‘em up.

This my jam.

Lovely string version of This is Halloween.

I always see the dog choking info on here, so here’s what to do if a kitty is choking

Save your kitties, we all know they eat everything anyway. 

http://www.wikihow.com/Save-a-Choking-Cat

http://www.wikihow.com/Perform-CPR-on-a-Cat

Q

important

REBLOG TO SAVE THE KITTIES!

IMPORTANT FOR KITTY OWNERS

@klubbhead

Remember these

Useful

I literally cried thinking about ebony choking, save the kitties

Kitties are some of my favorite people. I wouldn't hesitate to help a 2 legged person. So I'm definitely going to help a 4 legged person.

If you need Plan B, here’s a printable $10 off coupon. 

It doesn’t expire either! It’s a continual offer

Always reblog the plan-b coupon. If you don’t want a baby, stop it before it happens.

No one should be forced to have a child they don't want. My son was a pill, foam, condom baby. Would he be here if this was around then? Probably but I was 29 not a teenager.

REBLOG IF YOU THINK PANSEXUALITY IS A LEGITIMATE SEXUALITY

i wanna come out to my mom as pansexual but when ive hinted at me not being 100% straight, she’s said its not a thing and that im too young to know (im 19) what my sexuality is and it just makes me SO MAD bc i want my mom to accept me but i think i need some support

so, please reblog if you agree that pansexuality is real and that im old enough to know my sexuality.

I think 19 is certainly old enough to know what your sexuality is. For someone to be unaccepting of another's sexuality is demeaning and unacceptable in my books!

Fruit Dragons by Alexandra Khitrova.

never not reblog the fruit dragons

I need these! The Cherry dragon reminds me of the fragrance oil Bite Me.

I'm jealous! I want THIS instead of candy!

i walk into starbucks and order a pumpkin spice latte with 13 shots of espresso. i tell the barista that i intend to transcend humanity and become a god. i ask for no whip cream

you say this jokingly but i had a customer actually order a pumpkin spice latte with 9 shots of espresso (also no whip) and when i asked her to verify that she did indeed want 9 shots of espresso she looked me dead in the eyes and said “i have 5 kids”

I once had a woman come in and ordered an Americano with 19 shots of espresso. The drink took ages. It held up the line. I asked her why, and she shrugged and said “I just don’t care”. We still talk about that woman. We never saw her again.

new cryptid: exhausted woman at starbucks

Actual conversation I had at register: “Hi, welcome to [Starbucks]! What can I get you, today?”

“How much is it to fill a Venti with Espresso?”

“I- I’m sorry?”

“A venti cup. How much to fill it with Espresso?”

“Oh. uh. Well, it’d be I suppose… I only have a button for a Quad. I don’t have special pricing for twenty ounces of espresso in a single… drink.”

“Price is the furthest thing from my mind right now. How many ‘add shots’ is that?”

*deep breath of fear* “It’d be a quad with,” *clears throat* “uh, sixteen additional shots of espresso. But, ma’am, I should tell you that the shots will start to get really bitter if they have to sit and wait for us to pull twenty of them-”

“Taste means nothing to me.”

At this point I am truly fearing for my very existence in the presence of what must clearly be an eldritch being.

“Oh. Well, okay.” I put on my absolute best customer service smile to hide my terror and accept that I must face this dragon, fae, or demon with dignity. “We can certainly get that for you! The price will be _____.”

She begins to pay, I shit thee not, with golden dollar coins. We are a block from Wall Street, and this eldritch demi-being is paying for an unholy elixer with golden coins. My life will end soon, I am sure of it.

“Do you still have the ‘Add Energy’ packets?”

My heart began to race at this request. “Yes ma’am.”

“How many can I add?”

Futile though it is, at least I know the rote response to this. “For health reasons, we won’t add more than one per drink and we cannot sell the packets individually.”

“One then.”

I alter the order and tell her the new price. She pays, dumps the change and five golden dollars into the tip box. I write the order on the venti cup and pass it silently to the girl working the hot beverage station. Normally we called and pass, but this was … not something to be spoken aloud.

My fellow takes the cup, not thinking anything of the minor break with protocol, until she sees the order. She stares at me. “No.”

The woman, which I call her for no other greater insight into her terrifying being is within my grasp, simply stands on the other side and says, calmly but with a commanding tone I expect of Admirals in bad movies, “Yes.”

My fellow barista pales before her task. But we are dutiful, we are true to our task, great though it may be. She sets about clearing the two brand new Matrena’s of all distraction, and sets two tall cups in the ready position. The energy packet is emptied into the venti cup, and the shots begin pouring. 

The barista was damn near shaking. This woman’s gaze felt like the fires of the sun. Finally, the shots are pulled, the cup is filled, and the hand off takes place.

Our visiting Incomprehensible takes it to our milk bar and adds a dollop of cream. Satisfied, she proceeds to down what must have been half the damn cup.

Then she smiled at us, like a benediction and I was honestly filled with joy. And horror. She left, and we knew nothing more of her after that.

When I talk with other former employees, we quickly begin talking about “The Company” as if we’d never l, perhaps knowing that part of our soul still powers that awesome and terrible corporate machine. And when I share this stroy, other Baristas at first act shocked but quickly settle and comes the chorus, 

“Yeah, I had one like that.”

I made a five shot Americano for someone back in my barista days, and I thought HE was insane, now I’m just agog. 

the venti espresso woman was definitely a dragon

I thought they were going to fall over when I ordered 5 shots of espresso. This story is awesome!