Ooh, I think someone’s big mad he doesn’t have the attention on him for once. 

What attention are you even talking about? The pity party you’re throwing yourself? Oh, yeah. So jealous that you got your ass kicked and I didn’t. Really sounds awesome.

Here I was thinking it was just the arrogance you’d gotten from your dad, but it must have been a two-for-one deal with stubbornness that day. Unfortunately for me and everyone involved, I can’t do annoying. I’m just too awesome. Looks like we’ll have to lean on Plan B. Johnny and Evie make sense, and maybe Zevon too - it was Yzma who had those potions that could turn people into animals. At least I’m pretty sure it was. I mix up my villains occasionally.

You wanna talk about being stubborn, let’s talk about the fact that he refuses to let me touch that magic hook of his. If I had that, you’d have a shark no problem. But because of him, you gotta go sweet talk someone with magic abilities to help out. Uh... was there a test on that or something? Because I couldn’t tell you.

Ha, so tell me what you do and I’ll do the exact opposite of that, easy peasy. But for real, from my mom’s side of the story and from what I know of him, it sounds like your dad’s stubborn in general though so maybe I gotta think of a plan B. What do you think, demi dude? Anyone else around here seem like secret shapeshifter material?

Where do you think I get it? But it also sounded like your mom was just kind of annoying so, I dunno, maybe being annoying like that will work out for you. Maybe then he’ll cave like he caved and went to Te Fiti. What about that dude who’s mom was like some kind of witch? Or like didn’t Evie’s mom turn herself into an old hag?

And disrespect such noble creatures like that? I couldn’t….unless the shark was your dad and he consented to me using him like a board! Now I’m considering asking him for that as my birthday present this year, damn. You know him better than I do, how do I make it impossible for him to say no?

No idea why you’re asking me when all he does is tell me no. But pretty sure if you bug him enough, he’ll cave eventually. Worked for your mom, right? He seems to have a pretty hard time telling her no. Who’s to say it won’t work for you too?

So today a girl came up to me and said “Hey, you’re that dude from that football frat.” Until then it didn’t occur to me that almost everyone in our house is also on the football team, but once it did I had a revelation: We should be the football frat. I mean look at us, there’s no team or house more charming, jacked, or down to have a good time. So basically what I need from you fans of ASU Fighting Knights is to sing a petition stating that @ticktockbents has to join the football team as our waterboy at least.

What better way to get people to sign shit for us then to throw a rager. Think of it as a pre-welcoming Bentley to the team party. How fast can we get one together, you think? By next weekend?

Goat yoga looks cute and all but there’s got to be some leveled up cooler version of it. I’m thinking ram rock-climbing, and they’d try to headbutt you off their mountain as you scaled the side of it; it’s such a bomb idea that I’m sure it’ll be real someday. In the meantime, I dare anyone to come up with a better animal-workout combo. Five bucks says you can’t.

I can definitely think of something with sharks and surfing if you give me more than a minute... oh, duh. Shark surfing! I dare you to get on top of a shark and make it do what you want.

Okay, technically I didn’t ask, but I got the nice part at least! I pretty much implied it would be the best thing ever, I thought that was right up ‘Noa ego boost alley.’ If I toss a ‘please’ in there would that do the trick? I’d maybe even be willing to go up to ‘pretty please,’ although don’t push your luck toooooo much.

Implying isn’t the same as actually telling me that I’m the best, though. And me jumping out a cake? Seems like a pretty good way of me telling you that you’re awesome. But a ‘pretty please?’ Damn, you must want it bad. Luckily for you, I think I got a little bit of time I can squeeze in belated birthday cake jumping, just for my favorite girl. 

The trees are taller than the T-rexes, I got this. You’re seriously underestimating me here, dude! I bet it we both got dropped into Jurassic Park together, you’d get eaten way before I did. 

And you’re seriously underestimating a hungry, savage dino. Dude, no way! First of all, if I was going anywhere near Jurassic Park I’d make damn sure to have my dad’s hook with me. Even if I don’t get to use its magic I can use it to smack ‘em upside the head a few times.

Why would you ever force me to go on a date with you when you could leave me alone with a bunch of cute dinosaurs instead? Do you know how many photos Leilani would force us to take?

Because obviously she’s gonna force photo ops on me no matter who I go with, so if I have to suffer, you have to suffer. I don’t make the rules, babe. I just gotta follow them.