This is amazing.

American healthcare system be like

hey Emily I know we haven’t talked in 5 or 6 years, how’s it going? kids doing good? pregnancy going okay for you? anyway I sent you this because some rando on the Internet thought you might be happier knowing you inadvertently reposted MLP fetish art. wait what’s MLP? well okay let me start off with saying I am a completely normal individual caught in the crosshairs of a violently loud subculture on the internet I am not actually a part of but I constantly bear witness to. secondly does your kid watch cartoons? well you might have seen

This post left more questions than answers

here are your answers. I don’t know if you still want them

no

maze bean

#this joke has a high barrier to entry#like there is a specific person for whom it is funny#and it offers no satisfaction for the rest of the audience apart from it seeming surreal and disjointed#To appreciate this joke you must be able to recognize mitochondria.#you must also be familiar with a common phrase coined to describe them in the 1950s.#this phrase is commonly taught in American schools.#this phrase became popular on tumblr #in 2013#you must have been exposed to the resulting memes.#you must be able to complete the poem.#and then you must also appreciate Maze Bean #and you must find it all funny#we live in strange times #how do you translate this??? (via elodieunderglass)

This is how Tiffany Haddish ended her standup special. I’ve never been so happy to be cursed.

Me at all my friends because they deserve it

kidz bop cask of amontillado

I can’t believe that you had the opportunity to say cask of amontilleggo and just tossed it out the window

The Cask of Amontilleggo

by Eggo Allen Poe

wish customer service jobs operated w video game standards, so a customer would come up to me and i’d say “greetings traveler! looking to trade?” and they’d only had 4 options for their response 

i’d just stand there wiping down the same part of the counter for 8 hours until my shift ended and then id drop everything and walk away and if you tried to interact with me i’d just keep running into you silently until you moved 

Every horse movie

Sarah aynn: “no one understands me I hate you Mom for making us move out here in the middle of no where there’s not even cute boys” *runs away and finds mysterious farm* Old man wilkinson: “this right here lil lady is a hourisey if yer can tame t it’s yoires if not it’s goin back to the horse factory” Sarsjh: *walks up to horse and starts to pet its nose* “see girl? You and me aren’t so different after all” Old man wonka: “why I don’t believe it she done tamed ol’ misery I reckon she ought to sign her up for the horuse show and save the farm” *cut scene of Sarah sneaking out the house to ride her horse everyday until her mom finds out* Mom: “young lady you are GROUNDED!!!! You are not allowed to compete in the horse show” Staryah: “no Mom please” *runs away and almost gets hit by car but then the horse pushes the car out the way" Mom: “fucjkfidnb maybe that’s a good horse after all”

i lose my shit at this post every time

Hozier did a Q/A on facebook and i love him

Bad Cats.

OP, you fool. These are THE BEST CATS

Stanley is so chaotic I love him

my mom has finally understood the concept of how to use “tea” as slang, but only kind of. she came into my room and said “jessie, i have tea today” and i was obviously like what happened but as it turns out she just thinks tea means information so she told me that she got avocadoes on sale. that was the tea. 

You’re mom is right

You can’t expect yourself to go from a negative mentality to a positive one overnight, but every time you correct a bad thought you are growing! So focus on your growth, not the fact that you aren’t “there” yet.

“our teeth and ambitions are bared” is a zeugma

and it’s a zeugma where one of the words is literal and one is metaphorical which is the BEST KIND

I didn’t know about zeugmas until just now! That is so awesome, everybody: 

zeug·ma ˈzo͞oɡmə/

noun

ISN’T THAT AWESOME??

#in english class in high school my teacher had us write our own zeugmas in class#and one guy came up with ‘he fell from her favor… and the window’#i am forever looking for opportunities to use that one

She dropped her dress and inhibitions at the door.

What’s this? My favorite rhetorical device showing up on my dashboard?

IT HAS A NAMEEEE!! OH MY GOD!!!

My high school English teacher always explained it with: “He took his hat and his leave.”