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Struggling with my mindset

@freelancingrat / freelancingrat.tumblr.com

Relationships are failing around me and I feel like I can't talk to anyone...
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My girlfriend recently broke up with me two says after valentine's day and since then I've been slipping deeper and deeper into a depressive state. I still put on a happy face to the people around me and trick myself to be happy when in public but when I'm alone and everything is quiet, the voices in my head get louder and I focus more on the amount of people I can actually talk to.

I've gotten back onto tumblr to journal and a way to get these thoughts out of my head in a somewhat coherent fashion.

I downloaded all the different dating apps in hope I could change myself and just basically fuck my feelings away but I had one hookup and it made myself feel worse and more guilty like I had just betrayed myself. And now I've accepted that I cant do stuff like that and that I actually need a genuine relationship with someone but that requires having to tell my whole life story once again to another complete stranger in Hope's that they will understand and not push me away because of the stuff I've been through and who I am.

I'm pushing myself to pursue my craft of becoming a sound engineer and become more social in my city.

I just wish I had someone to share the journey with but honestly at this rate, I'm going to have to take this journey alone for a while.

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Making Progress!!!

I’ve spent the past hour trying to finish each of the characters in the musical I’m writing, AND I ACTUALLY DID IT!!!

Now onto the actual plot-line and what the underlying meaning will be...

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kayforpay

history fucked me up

oxford was built and operational as a college before the rise of the mayans and cleopatra lived in a time nearer to pizza hut’s invention than to the pyramids being built

I need a noncomprehensive history book that covers Known World History in time periods, like “in this century, all this shit was happening concurrently” and not just all spread out so I have to piece it together like some unpaid uneducated scholar

Mongols were fighting Samurai in Japan and Knights in Europe at the same time. 

Star Wars a New Hope came out the same year as the last execution in France by Guillotine. 

Abraham Lincoln and Edgar Allen Poe were friends in their early 20′s. 

When the Great Pyramids were being built there were areas that still had Woolly Mammoths roaming. 

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Harvard University didn’t teach calculus in its first few years after being established because calculus wasn’t invented yet.

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I’m Back!!!

After a few hectic months with an assortment of ups and downs I’m back to blogging. I got off due to a heartbreak and decline in mental health. Since then I’ve dropped out of college due to financial aid not being approved due to my mother refusing to assist me, I was cut from a play a week from opening since i was in another musical that wasn’t affecting my ability to memorize my ability to play the role, and I have moved out of my previous living situation and I am living with people my age and a little closer to the city.

I am currently focusing on myself, which may perceive to be selfish from my family members as I am not talking to any of them due to the strain they put on my mental health except for 3 of them. But in the meantime, I am working on writing a musical, a stop motion film, and I have a second musical in the works.

Though I am feeling better, I do still feel that emptiness that usually leads into a depression (being single sucks). But I also do enjoy the time to myself and have learned to be content with myself. I just hope maybe I do find someone I can spend time with since I am the only one in my household that is single.

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I finally opened my heart to her. Told her how I felt but not a single reply or a simple "give me time to think" nothing. Just blocked on tumblr. I feel crushed. I hate myself for having these feelings. For ever caring for anyone more than a friend. Because when i genuinely care for someone I get brushed aside. I hate myself and I feel like a goddamn freak and a creep for being who I am.

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memewhore

I still don’t understand the perspective that’s going on here.

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pricklylegs

It`s a railing.

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casmii

This fucked with my head so hard.

WAIT I STILL DONT UNDERSTAND

ITS ON TOP OF A WALL NOT GRASS

oh my god it’s the edge of a cement wall jesus christ that fucked me up so bad it took so long for me to understand

I STILL DONT GET IT

hence why his arm has a shadow under it

Thank you for the tiny drawing omg my brain

That fucking drawin fixed it omg thank you

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It's always nice to have friends talk you through your emotions at 3 in the morning.

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This just in, an Ivy League School is a “community college” if you’re friendly to The Gayz.

The latest in the series of “science agrees with my prejudice unless it doesn’t in which case it isn’t Real Science.”

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On Dentists

So I can’t brush my teeth. Like, it’s the worst kind of hell. I went to the dentist for a cleaning today and I told the hygienist this, and she was wonderfully helpful.

There are some incredibly soft toothbrushes available- namely, post-surgical brushes. Running them under hot water makes them even softer.

She told me that you don’t really need to use toothpaste- it’s mostly marketing. The foam gets to me, so that is really reassuring.

She gave me two particularly soft brushes and some xylitol gum. Trident is a market brand of xylitol gum, which helps with your teeth and can make your breath smell better.

The whole purpose of brushing is to disrupt plaque buildup. You don’t need to brush twice a day, every day with toothpaste if you brush correctly- little circles, focusing on near the gums (where most plaque builds up). So if you’re having a bad sensory day and can’t brush at all, it’s not the end of the world.

Hell, you don’t even need a toothbrush if even the post-surgical ones are too harsh. Going over your teeth with the same motions using a washcloth is enough.

She wants to find a fluoride rinse that has a taste I can stand (peppermint is the only mint I can stand) but she’s not particularly worried about it.

I go to Dr. Barr in Chicago. If you can get to the State St. Macy’s, his office is nearby. He’s very kind and patient and really understanding of my needs as an autistic person. The hygienist, I don’t know her name, announced everything she was going to do before she did it, and stopped frequently to see how I was doing.

This is really the only positive dentist I’ve ever had- past dentists have been too rough and not bothered to help find ways I can actually brush.

Basically this is a glowing recommendation for Dr. Barr’s office if you’re autistic, afraid of dentists, or have sensory needs. This is a recommendation even if you don’t have any of those things.

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huhnerkopf

Im actually crying i feel like this post was reblogged for me oh my god oh my god oh my lord thank you

You can also dilute your mouthwash and use it to swish around if it burns. My dentist does this so consider it dentally approved

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS

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reblogged

Sweet Love (Queenie x Jacob)

This was inspired by @theatricalbarista ‘s fantastic idea that Queenie & Jacob married and made enchanted pastries and candies, and were the creators of the Chocolate Frog. I hope you don’t mind that I borrowed your idea! @qed221b it’s late but it’s here! @sozdanie-gryazi-eternal @funkzpiel @questionboxjuliet if you guys are interested :) 

It’s a little before dawn, but already there is the stirring of life in the kitchens of Kowalski bakery. The spacious kitchen smells of flour and jams and butter, and Jacob Kowalski is rolling out the dough whilst whistling a cheery tune, and a clear, sweet voice joins in. The moustached man quirks a smile at his bubbly wife, who is twisting and twirling dough into braids in the air, to be weaved into the crust of their famed apple strudel. Queenie Goldstein-Kowalski smiles brightly at her husband even as she sends the completed pastry to a rack filled with other baked goods to be sold once the bakery opens its doors. Business has been brisk lately, with more and more costumers flocking to the steadily growing bakery for a glimpse of the enchanting pastries Jacob makes, and she’s able to convince Jacob to buy a new suit in celebration.

They work quietly for several hours, the silence occasionally broken by tender words of “how are you doing honey” or “let me know if you’re getting tired, darlin’”. It’s a partnership in the best of sense, with Jacob working his magic to the mundane tasks of baking, turning plain dough into the enchanting silhouettes of magical creatures, while Queenie casts lilting spells that coax and nudge the plainest of pastries into gorgeous golden brown creations that taste of home. Queenie floats a freshly baked bear claw that is coated in melted sugar before Jacob, and his smile is wide as he takes a bite out of his wife’s creation, and she giggles girlishly at the patches of sugar left on Jacob’s trim moustache. The blonde watches as the portly man return to his work, brow furrowed in concentration as he pipes the cream into rows of cream puffs, and she thinks that this, surrounded by flour and laughter and stolen kisses in between, is her utopia. Jacob looks up to catch her bright eyes, brimming with love and affection, and he swears that he falls in love with his beautiful Queen all over again in that second. He blows a kiss to her, and white flour floats in the wake of his kiss, and Queenie thinks her No-Maj husband has his own magic.

Opening time is an hour away, and Queenie is helping Jacob with the remainder of the creature-shaped pastries, when she accidentally casts the wrong spell. Instead of turning the lovely golden brown of baked goods, the little Demiguise pastry seemingly comes to life, and turns its little head towards them. Queenie gasps while Jacob rubs his eyes, and the Demiguise returns to being a normal, inanimate, unbaked pastry. There’s a heartbeat of silence as the two stare at each other, and a grin grows on Queenie’s face as she catches tendrils of Jacob’s thoughts. “I know you’re thinking what I’m thinking, honey.” Jacob only nods wordlessly, and there’s a cheery beam on his face that she loves as he rolls his sleeves up higher. “Let’s get baking, darlin’.”

They don’t get the pastries animated that day, and people stream in and out of the shop the entire day, keeping the couple and their workers busy. Besides, Queenie doesn’t want Mr Graves to catch wind of her doing magic in front of the No-Majs; the Director may have mellowed somewhat since his rescue but rules are still rules. They close up the shop in the evening and lock themselves in their kitchen, ready to begin experimenting again. The hours roll by, and still they have little success. Queenie manages to get the pastries to move just a little, but the charms don’t stick, and the pastries go back to being just pastries. The night ends with a sigh, but a kiss on her cheek and sweet words of encouragement steel her resolve to give it a go again.

They have a breakthrough the next day, when Queenie is absent-mindedly twirling her wand and coming up with different charms whilst speaking to Jacob. She turns her head when Jacob fails to reply her, and she’s tickled to see his mouth open in a gape, pointing to the-. Oh. Oh. The Demiguise she’s experimenting on is walking. They wait with bated breath, and while the Demiguise does nothing but walk a short distance, turn and walk back, it doesn’t go back to being inanimate, and they’ve done it. Jacob whoops with glee and swings Queenie about, eliciting peals of laughter from her as she buries her head in the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent of flour and butter and cocoa and Jacob. He gently places her down, and pecks her nose, and she huffs because what kind of kiss is that honey? She kisses him on his lips, firm and gentle all at once, and he can taste strawberries and honey and ambrosia, and oh he can drown in her for all eternity.

Queenie marches up to Mr Graves’ office once she’s able to replicate the animating charm, and very politely, with a sweet smile on her pink lips, asks that she be given a permit to sell her enchanted pastries to the wizarding community. She sees his mouth open and catches the thought before it’s even voiced, and very resolutely says, “Yes Mr Graves, I want my Jacob involved as well. And I won’t take no for an answer, or you’ll not get those apple pies you love.” There’s an amused upturn to Percival’s lips, because really, Queenie is the one who needs his help. But he does love the Kowalskis’ apple pie, and he does have a soft spot for the blonde Legilimens, who treated him with nothing but kindness and warmth after his return to MACUSA. And so wordlessly, he signs off the form and, as a bit of a joke, hands Tina the form to process. The look on the older Goldstein’s face when she sees her baby sister wants to sell pastries that move is reason enough for Percival to get Queenie the license.

The permit is authorised and issued that very same day, and Percival personally hands it over to the couple when he visits their bakery later in the day. He’s somewhat bashful and red in the face when Queenie throws her arms around him and plants a wet kiss on his cheek, and though he recovers quickly with a gruff “you’re welcome”, there’s a soft twinkle in his eye when he tells Jacob to look after Queenie, because she’s a gem. He’s gone in a whirl of black, but the shop, and the Kowalskis’ hearts remain warm. “Hey Queen, take a look at this.” Jacob taps his wife on the shoulder as he opens the envelope that contains their permit, and Queenie’s blue eyes are wide as she reads the Director’s neat handwriting about their new shop just opposite to MACUSA, and that the rental and renovation works have been taken care of. There’s an extra large apple pie on Percival’s desk the next day, and his office smells like green apples for the rest of the day.

It’s hard work, maintaining two shops, but they make it work. Jacob and Queenie still make most of the pastries, although their more experienced employees at the first shop help lighten the load. They focus on their new shop now, which is glamoured so No-Majs only see an abandoned lot. The wizards and witches who frequent the bakery never cease to be enchanted by the charmingly moving creatures, who wave and walk and leap and even fly. Children often tug their parents by their hands to visit the bakery, and the couple take great pleasure in humouring their customers. Word spreads like wildfire, and each day, they close the bakery with racks and trays empty, save for crumbs. MACUSA employees are the most frequent customers, and it’s not an uncommon sight to see all these men and women in their trench coats and fedoras, munching on sugared Nifflers or Mooncalf buns with raisins for eyes. Newt, who is happily engaged to Tina, takes the opportunity to educate his fellow wizards and witches on the creatures these pastries are modelled after, and the children listen with rapt attention at the lanky man with wild gestures as he tells them about the ferocious Nundu who purrs like a kitten, or the gentle Mooncalves who stare at the moon with their eyes large as a brain*. Even Percival makes an appearance several times, along with Madame Picquery, and Queenie always saves the largest slice of apple pie for him, and a Demiguise pastry for her. It’s always interesting to see all the Aurors and their bosses casually feasting on buns and pastries whilst chatting and laughing. Whenever anyone has had a hard day, they go to the bakery where it’s warm and soft and there are kind words from the Kowalskis; it almost feels like home.

Over time, Queenie and Jacob begin to sell candies, as well as enchanted ones. Queenie somehow manages to enchant the candies to emit sound, and so there are bees that taste sour and buzz, and mice with whiskers that quiver and squeak and chitter. But the most popular treat they come up with, is a frog made of chocolate, that leaps away if you don’t grasp them tight. It’s become the darling of every wizarding child, and the horror of all parents because the chocolates do melt, and so a frog will hop away and disappear, but there will be a puddle of melted chocolate hiding in a corner somewhere. Long after the Kowalskis’ hair turn white, and their children have children, and so on and so forth, Chocolate Frogs, along with the Fizzing Whizbees and Ice Mice, remain a staple candy for the wizarding community, and an enterprising descendent of Jacob and Queenie comes up with the idea of trading cards that display famous witches and wizards, which would be included in each purple box of Chocolate Frog. And so, the first customer to buy the newly repackaged Chocolate Frog, opens the box to find a rare, limited edition card of Jacob Kowalski and Queenie Goldstein-Kowalski, founders of the Kowalski Bakery which is still open today in New York, on the street opposite the Woolworth Building.

*This hilarious comparison was provided by the very witty @questionboxjuliet

I love this. Thank you @headsindreams 💙💙💙

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