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Hiraeth

@vampireinaredhood / vampireinaredhood.tumblr.com

It will get better eventually.
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Ah yes, we're back here again - hopefully on a different tone. The last time I wrote a journal entry here was three years ago and a lot has changed. Per sè the thought of resignation is gone now because finally after a long long time, I had the courage to leave which is hard for a person who doesn't know when let go.

I was taught growing up that quitting is for losers. Who would even want to be labeled as loser, right? But this year I realized adult life doesn't work that way. Letting go takes enormous courage too. Knowing when to leave because you know you deserve better. That perseverance and hard work doesn't always equate to success. Sometimes it leaves you bruised, overworked and used, perhaps, with lessons, but with trauma too.

It's been a month, and I don't want to keep track how many applications I've passed. Today, I still feel proud of myself. I was able to answer the rounds of interview smoothly. It was my first time being interviewed by a different nationality, and it's a fun experience. Though really dreading, I must admit.

My bestfriend and I went to a cafè afterwards. This was supposed to be a disaster recovery plan of mine which I curated to ease my broken ego just in case I'm not satisfied with my performance. But again I feel proud of myself. It's not a disaster just a recovery program so we still ate good food. Deserve ko mag-Macadamia Latte, sizzling porkchop and Mcdo!!!

I honestly just can't sleep that's why I decided to write, and I don't care about that stupid invisible race that everyone on their 20s feel. Stop overs make the drive worthwhile. I'll take my time.

May 30, 2022 • Monday

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I know I love myself now, but I sometimes dream of hanging, and how liberating it might feel like.

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daisylongmile
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curlicuecal

Whenever I take a long car ride I end up exhausted afterwards, and I'm always like "why am I so tired? I was just sitting around doing nothing all day."

But the answer, it turns out, is I was doing something. Riding in a car jars your body in many directions and requires constant microadjustments of your muscles just to stay in place and hold your normal posture. Because you're inside the car, inside the situation, it's easy not to notice all the extra work you're doing just to maintain the status quo.

There's all sorts of work that we think of as "free" that require spending energy: concentrating, making decisions, managing anxiety, maintaining hypervigilance in an unfriendly environment, dealing with stereotype threat, processing a lot of sensory input, repairing skin cells damaged by sun exposure, trying to stay warm in a cold room.

The next time you think you're tired from "nothing", consider instead that you're probably in situation where you're doing a lot of unnoticed extra work just to stay in place.

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batang-matangkad
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s-chievener

It’s hard to be with someone who has a different wavelength as you do. Romantic relationships aren’t merely about flowers and chocolates. Sometimes you look for substance and sense. They aren’t just about dates and sex, you also crave for deep and intellectual conversations. And it almost always turns dull and dry when you have different outlook and perspectives in life, when you believe in completely different ideologies. Because relationships aren’t maintained by the physical aspects of what we can offer to each other–It’s the abstract qualities people have that retains the spark of a human bond.

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somepiecesofmyheartandsoul-deac
““I have a question.” He lets out a soft sigh, “you always have a question.” “Oh come on,” she moves closer to him and covers the phone he was looking at in his hand, “just one question.” “Alright, love. What is it?” Slowly taking his phone away from his hand and places it aside, she opens her mouth to ask, “If you had a chance to be anything other than yourself, what would you be?” He looks at her and ponders it for a moment. Then he reaches out and gently removes some strands of hair from her face. “Well?” “Well,” he repeats after her with a little smile, “I would be the rest of your life.””

— Lukas W. // Forgotten Words #244 // Talk about forever (via somepiecesofmyheartandsoul)

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thepowerwithin
It’s hard to feel special within a society that screams otherwise. It’s challenging to keep oneself afloat amongst sharks of all kinds. But you must remain strong. Everyday, remind yourself of your value. Take your paddle and steer your mind to shore. Keep it safe.

Nicole Addison @thepowerwithin -twitter

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