Escapril Day 1- a fresh start

She let her run along the edge of the cardbord box, feeling the dents and bumps caused by all the not-so-rectangular items she had acquired over the years. Her gaze followed her fingers along the edge and further, towards the other boxes that chaotically filled up her new hallway. It still felt weird to think that this was HER hallway, not her mother’s. As she observed the early-spring-morning sunrays that gently touched the packages that pretty much included her entire life, she promised herself that this house would be a safe place. No more fear about what was to come when her mother opened the front door in the middle of the night, back from an involuntary pub crawl, caused by her violent outbursts in every single bar. No more bruises and scars, caused by a woman too drunk to form a coherent sentence, but not too drunk to try to kill her own daughter. No more shame, no more guilt and no more pain. She repeated those words over and over in her head, almost like a mantra, while opening up the smallest of the boxes. The moving truck drivers had been surprisingly careful, which meant that the contents in the carton had not shifted all too much and the little sticker was still on the top. She went down the hallway, through the sunrays that felt warm on her bare arms, and opened the door. There was plenty of room next to the doorbell, where she now put up the sticker, which showed everyone her new name. She rubbed the sticker in order to made sure it would last until her metal sign would arrive and smiled to herself. Her new name, on her new house in her new neighborhood. Her fresh start. 

- Basically yes, I am going to attempt to do escapril because I wanna get back into writing. I’ll probably do mostly flash fiction because that’s what I like to write the most. :) 

- If you’re wondering what escapril is, it’s kinda similar to inktober, but with writing and it was initiated by Savannah Brown. 

do you remember the time when i was still excited about going to uni in scotland? Because now i don’t feel like that anymore. at all. Everything I feel when I think about it is fear and sadness and i don’t wanna go but at the same time i am so scared about just staying because i might regret it. and i’m also scared that if i go, i won’t come back even if i feel horrible because i am just too fucking proud to admit that this wonderful dream of mine maybe isn’t that wonderful after all. and i don’t wanna talk about it to anyone in real life because that makes all the negative feelings even more real and horrible and i don’t want that so i am staying the cowardly anti-social person i am and am ranting on tumblr about it because this is the place where the least people will see it

today’s just one of those days where i want to crawl into a cave or something and never ever come out again. i’m so scared and sad and unmotivated and tired. and i don’t want to bother anyone in real life with it so i post about it online lol 

this is a little mental health post regarding christmas, from my weird mind to yours. 

1) You don’t have to be happy at christmas. If you’re sad or scared or just feeling under the weather, that’s ok. Pressure (from family/friends but also from yourself) can and probably will just make everything 100 times worse, so allow yourself (and others) to feel the feelings you’re (they’re) feeling. 

2) Talk to someone about it. And if there’s no one to talk to (at the very moment), write a dairy or post about it on your tumblr, like me. 

3) Don’t be afraid to cancel plans. Even if you agreed to go to a party or family gathering months ago, if you feel horrible, stay home and take care of yourself. 

4) If you have trouble with being happy yourself, focus on other’s joy that you caused. Comparing yourself to others is often a very bad thing, so don’t get me wrong. If you’re feeling down, don’t focus on your own emotions, but rather focus on the happiness that you’re giving family and friends, via presents or simply via spending time with them. You’re making people happy, so you can’t be that bad of a person after all. 

there’s nothing like a quick early evening panic attack. i hate my mind so much sometimes. 🙄(i would insert an eye-roll emoji but i can’t because i’m on my laptop) 

Happy belated Mental Health Day. 

When I was 15, I was convinced I wouldn’t live to see my 16th birthday, I had done endless google searches in an attempt to find out which pills to take and which dosage would be enough, when I witnessed my cat almost being run over by a car and I got so sad and then I realized that if I died, I would never see my cat again. And I know how pathetic and weird that sounds but that was my mantra for weeks and then I started thinking about my future again, which I had completely neglected because I had been sure that there was no future for me. And somehow, after months of fighting against my own brain, I didn’t want to die anymore. 

And I want you to know that it does get better and even if you feel like there’s no way out and no one is going to miss you, there are people who care and your life WILL improve, trust me. 

Yes, sometimes I still cry for hours without an actual reason, and I kind of hate myself, but I’m in such a good place compared to what I was like 2 years ago and that’s great because it means there’s a chance my life will improve even more, and i can’t wait to see that. 

So, if you’re reading this, I am so so proud of you, because you’re still here and you’re breathing and your heart is beating and sometimes that’s the hardest thing to do, so please stick around, you won’t regret it, i promise. 

(I know this is a shitty post but I wrote this at like midnight after almost having like 3 panic attacks and crying for an hour straight and i am not good with words even when i’m feeling great so.... yeah)

you guys i’m so in love i don’t know what to do